So today was shitty it's hoco week at my school which is fun. Like I have fun at school but my grades suck right now because two of my teachers don't even teach so I'm basically screwed. My parents are so pissed over my grades tho story of my life. And on top of that I have to apply to all my colleges and stay sober. Go me! I think the best part of my day is when I get to leave homeroom and get to see jack (the guy I used to talk to) can't you hear my sarcasm. It's terrible and literally he will look right at me and ignore me completely. Like i don't remember doing anything to you to make you act this way toward me. If you have any idea why he is doing this please tell me I'm dying. But oh yeah where was I ummm my grades I think so yeah I have to figure out how to get my grades up and listen to my parents and not piss them off which is pretty damn hard when your mom is basically a psychopath. But hey it's worth a shot I guess. Today my mom yelled at me because for hoco day three it's dynamic duo so my friend and me are going to be frat guys and my mom thinks I'm doing this because I want to look cool or something. Like really I don't give a sh*t what other people think of me I'm just trying to have fun my senior year. She basically called me an Alcoholic for going to the hospital like I said she doesn't know how to move on with her life. I feel like she thinks I'm a slut even tho I'm not. I'll basically never be good enough for her because I'm to fat or not fit or I don't look good without makeup which because of her I am so self concussions about my face because yeah I have cancer but who doesn't it's just she makes me feel so bad about myself and I will never be the perfect daughter she wants. She always says why don't you where more makeup why don't you have a boyfriend why don't you do think why don't you do that. It never ends with her I take on step forward and 20000000 back with her. Because she always finds a negative in anything good I try to do for her. I just want to be a good daughter and she makes it so damn hard to be with her constant mood changes and anger. I'm just so tired of her I want to be free. I want to get away. I think that's why I drink and smoke something to see if I can get away. I am not trying to promote this in any way I'm just thinking about why I do it and I known it's not a healthy habit to have. And I should need to stop but it's so addictive at the same time. I don't truly think I'm addicted it's just whenever I do smoke or drink I like how it makes me feel so much it scares me. I love how it makes you feel like you are on top of the world and you can be anyone you want to be. And most of all you can be FREE.
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I'm going to try and write every day so bare with me please if you have any thoughts or opinions please let me know I would love to hear about all your thoughts.
