The Fine Line

Chapter 20

Zarah's POV
Calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Distraction. Thats what I need. Nothing seems to take my mind away from Saira's last words to me. Even though thoughts of the relief from syringes mock my sober senses, I was determined not to resort to the anymore. Why did I decide that, I don't really know but somehow I was thankful that Diya was her. I haven't felt this comforted since Saira.
Saira wanted me to have closure. So she didn't just walk away from me. She posed an irresponsible pluck card that says 'Get screwed by yourself' and then walked away from me. Wow, thats subtle. No, not now. I'll think about that later or else I wouldn't survive getting knocked down by Saira's pathetic excuse for a closure.

Okay, what to think about? Something cheerful? Balloons then? Oh hey, I'm not a five year old, so not balloons then.
Colours? Rainbow? What? Those are cheerful. Okay, okay. Something mature enough then.

Books? Jane Austen, Moby Dick, Emily Bronte, Harper Lee ? Phew, breathe in breathe out. How difficult was it to just breathe? It wasn't long before I realised I was hyperventilating.
Count backwards from ten. Maybe that'll calm me down. And so I started Counting.
10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . .

It took 7 more rounds of counting to finally reach serenity. As I walk through the corridors of Carmel University, I blame Diya for pushing me to be around infuriating people. Every where it smelled like coffee. Ooh, I would love a cup of coffee right now. And without any second thoughts my legs pace towards the coffee stand just around the dorm rooms of the college. I pass by familiar faces to be greeted by them. Initially throwing a fatigued 'Hi' and 'Morning' , all the attention started to irritate me. The last time I remember, the whole University loathed the sight of certain 'bitch of the campus'. So whats with the attention now? Maybe my change of appearance caused that. Gotta admit, even I was surprised my change of appearance and demeanor in the last few days. Whatever, I just cant wait to push down a gallon of coffee down my throat.

The queue down the coffee stand was down to two when I arrived. Relief coursing through, I ordered a cup of coffee. And just when I thought I would survive the day. Life devilishly laughs at me. Haha, In you face!
What are the odds. Even though I promised to Diya that I would talk to him, I was actually plotting to avoid him till the end of the day and lie to Diya that I never got a chance to run into him.

Pretending not to acknowledge his presence, I waited for my cup of coffee.

"Hey, Z! You're back. Where have you been all week?" He enquires, his softness and gentle tone clearly concealing something else. Concern? Care? Well guess what, I'm allergic to emotion. I mentally grin at life in revenge.

I turn to the coffee stand. "Make that an expresso, please." I'll need one hell of a strong caffeine to get me through this. I turn to him and smile displeasingly. I pay for my cup and turns to walk away.

The uneasiness clearly evident on his face, a change of tone appears. Becoming more seriously toned, he asks. "Z, please. I'm just looking out for you. You've been dodging my calls all week, I'm concerned. Tell me what the hell is going on."
God, I wish his sappiness would somehow drown him.

Anger taking birth inside me, I seriously wish he was a mile away from my knuckles and as suspected he moves closer invading my personal space. "Well, guess what Jess, I don't need any one to be concerned. I can take care of myself okay? Shit, just get the hell out of my face, Jess!" The firewall inside me counters back. Well, whats left of my firewall.

"Who is the person you've turned into in the last years? What are you trying to prove huh?" Jess asks as a matter of factly. Then after a breath his demeanor change into something more with anger in them. Apprehensive of what might come, I stay still looking into beautiful eyes, listening. Huh? Beautiful? Oh god, whats happening to me?

"For god's sake just quit the drama, Z! You say you can take care of yourself huh? Take a look at you life, Zarah. I hate to tell you the truth but you screwed up !" In the next couple of seconds he calms down. He seems to be thinking now. His hands go up to caress the stubs on his chin. His eyes leaves my gaze to look down. I can see that he is feeling guilty now. But he doesn't apologise, instead he resumes.

"Everybody needs someone to look up to, someone to count on, a shoulder to cry on, someone to comfort us, someone to love." his voice morph into whispers to the last word. "I get that terrible things happened to you. Well thats life, Z. That doesn't mean you should shut out the world. Shout out everybody that cares about you. I was just trying to help, trying to be there for you because I give a damn about you, not you life! If you don't want that, its fine. Jus . . . Just . . . Umm . . Take care. okay?"

Even though my knuckles are tingling at his little speech, as much as I would love to punch his lights out, something stirred. Something twisted inside of me that I cant explain. Something far too foreign to define. Instinct kicking in, I suppress it like all the savaging emotion.

Jess walks away without so much as a glance towards me. And something hit. I hate to admit that it hurt. No. He didn't mean that. What if he did? Oh God, see? This is what happens when I stay sober. Every emotion comes right at me with a death wish. Ugh, I'm starting to feel. Man, it would've been a lot easier if I was high. I could go as high as a kite and I would feel nothing. No bloody feelings would sprint to me. I could tune out the whole world. Tune out my own heart. With nothing to cut me down at my knees.

Realising I still have half a day to go through, I run to the class. As soon as I enter, Mr. Connor smirks.
Ah, he remembers me.

"Miss Hashly, been a while since we've see you. Something wrong that you felt coming by?"

Great. Just what I needed. In retrospect to my attitude towards him, he really is an asshole. He thinks students are his puppets for entertainment. He's such a sadistic bitch. Passing embarrassing comments about students for being tardy? He needs to get his ass kicked.

"No, not at all Mr. Connor, just thought I'll learn something today."

He glares at me. What? Someone needs to stand up to him. Relief washes over me for a couple of seconds when I think about theres only a years more of this shit to endure.

As Mr. Connor and the students get into a heated discussion on Gabriel Garcia Marquez's 'Thousand years of solitude', my mind wanders back to the pleasant days where books were my lover. Every book had something to reveal behind their covers, something to intrigue me, something to blow my mind away that I lost days of sleep. I think back to the days when Jess and I were teenagers, lying back on the lush green grass, fighting on behalf of Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy on whose more affectionate than the other and about Heathcliff's stubbornness to his love for Catherine.
Time flied with passion and curiosity when we were together. He was the only constant person in my life, never leaving my side even in the last couple of years when his stubbornness resulted in him getting a black eye. Serenity filled inside and out when I felt his presence beside me.

Our families were close back then. We got a lot of quality time to spend. Weekends, holidays and vacations were spent with him. Listening to 'The Frey' sharing an earphone, picnics on the bank of the lake beyond the woods of my backyard, lying on our backs childishly counting the stars above on beautiful nights, talking about constellations, comets and Sirius. Sirius, the brightest star. I used to refer him as Sirius. My Sirius.
And during school days, we often met during breaks randomly talking about The Big Bang Theory, the movies 'Serendipity' and 'The pursuit of happyness', the ingenious Dan Brown, Nicholas Sparks's romance novels and basically everything that revolved around us. Many nights spent dancing to the song 'E.T', singing along to the lyrics. Those moments, those very moments took me to a whole new dimension very much like the song.