*** warning ; this chapter will contain self harm so please don't read if you are sensitive to those type of subjects ***
also, I'm here :^) if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me. just pm me and we can talk about anything. I love you.
------
I woke up early today. realisation of what happened yesterday flashed through my mind. I went downstairs to get some breakfast. I saw lance there, sitting quietly with the television on low volume.
"morning." I spoke, in my raspy voice. I cleared my throat and pulled some porridge down from the shelf.
"morning." he replied rather dull. suddenly the telly was off and he had finished. he ran upstairs.
why was he so shaken up by yesterday? it's not like I haven't seen him make out with girls before. moira and Martha walked in the room in mid conversation.
moira paused to say good morning to me. "good morning, maggie."
"good morning." I smiled.
Martha waited patiently for us to finish and ignored me, going straight back into their conversation.
"bitch." I said under my breath.
I walked upstairs to the bathroom. I was going to take a shower but some razors caught my eye. I itched to use them. replace all the overwhelming pain I felt inside and release it outside, on my body. I grabbed it and pulled my shirt slowly up. I don't cut my wrists, that's where they check. I can see the faded scars from previous times I have self harmed. I gulped. I closed my eyes and glided the razor along my stomach, feeling the sensation. my eyes started to get watery, not from the pain but from how weak I was. to resort to self harm. it doesn't make me feel any better, maybe at the time, it feels good, but afterwards, I end up feeling worse. I close my eyes for round two. I feel a tear drop to my cheek. I open my eyes and watch my hand. a shaky mess holding a razor that hovers above my skin. I rip it across suddenly. the pain is unbearable and the cut is deeper than all the others. the tears keep coming and coming although I don't dare to scream or cry out.
"what are you doing?!" my eyes dart to tate's reflection in the mirror. I drop the razor.
"nothing." I let go of my shirt and hug myself so he couldn't see the blood drenching my shirt.
"let me see."he tore my arms away and lifted up my shirt. he closed his eyes and then hugged me. I ended up sobbing on his shoulder.
he sat me down on the closed toilet seat and grabbed some tissue and wet it. he dabbed at the cut and I watched him the whole time. he glanced up at me but then quickly looked back to the task at hand. I examined his features over and over. I couldn't get enough. they were so perfect. I wanted to kiss him. but I couldn't. Michael and I were together. Tate looked even more distressed than normal. i don't know if it was because of me or something else. it didn't cross my mind that he had entered the house again without permission. how does he even get in?
I couldn't resist. the temptation was too strong. I placed my hands on both sides of his perfect face. he stopped his work to look at me. oh. I didn't think of this. what do I do now? I let go quickly and his expression became a tense one that looked back at my stomach.
"thank you." I said quietly.
he was staring at my stomach. I pulled down my shirt out of embarrassment and felt my cheeks redden. he stared at me and I looked away. I felt something. I looked down. he was lifting up my shirt. my eyes caught his and he never looked away. slowly, he lifted up my shirt to reveal my stomach. with his eyes still deadset on mine, he leaned in towards it and gently, still holding the gaze, kissed it, in the middle of the cut. my heart skipped a beat and my breath hitched. he pulled away and let go of me and the gaze. my skin felt hot from where he kissed it. he walked out, leaving me alone in the bathroom shaking.
Tate, what are you doing to me?
* time skip *
dinner was hella awkward. lance hadn't looked once at me and I didn't expect martha acting all friendly. I eventually had enough and shot up from my seat and heading upstairs, bringing my food with me. I walked into my room and slammed the door shut with my leg behind me. I set the glass of water down and sat on my bed.
as I was slowly eating, a thought popped into my head. Michael had always came over here to hang out or we'd go out. maybe for once I'd pay him a visit. martha doesn't trust his mum. but I don't trust Martha.
I set aside my left over food and changed into different clothes. I brushed my hair and grabbed my phone. I headed downstairs.
"I'm going to michael's." i said to them. I got a glance of their faces. marthas didn't care and lances was sombre.
I was still watching them as I walked. I'm such an idiot. I bumped right into someone! then I realised it was my house and why would anyone else besides my family and moira be here.
I looked up to see Tate. I stumbled backwards. his expression was dead serious and I thought about how I'd never seen him smile since the day I met him. It almost made me cry how this sweet guy didn't have a reason to smile.
I didn't know what to say. I looked down. I know I should've been freaking out that we had an intruder but I had grown used to seeing Tate around my house, I didn't mind that he was always somehow getting in here.
"where are you going?" he asked miserably, looking at his shoes that he was rubbing on the floor. I think he knew the answer.
"next door." I spoke softly. I watched as a pang of jealousy and sadness swept across his face, but as quickly as it came, it left. it was replaced by the stoney expression. it didn't look good on him. I longed to see him smile and laugh.
without another word or glance, I stepped out the door and closed it behind me slowly. I stood on the patio for a bit before setting off to Michael's.
------
there it is!!
this book is so fun to write ahh I'm in roll call writing it oh
vote / comment / like
again, I'm here and I love you. I understand and you can pm me about anything at all. I would love to make friends so hmu!!
- emily 💐
