The Innocents

Chapter Sixteen

My brain woke up to the soft buzzing of lights cutting like knives in my skull.

The rest of my five senses hadn't quite caught up to me. I drifted off again until I could no longer hide behind the drugs and my eyes fluttered open unwillingly. I'm still in the same awful gown but now I have a blanket over me. It's white and heavy and actually kind of comfortable. There's something between my legs. I don't dare to move. I'm unable to anyhow so I drift off again.

When my eyes opened, almost fully conscious I'm able to move my arms which feel like gelatin. There's medical tape wrapped around my elbow and a band-aid on the top of my left hand where the iv had been. There's a tv above me to my left, but it's not on and a camera in the right corner, a red light blinking distinctively. An empty chair and a white board by the door completed the room.

I limited my movements. I didn't want anybody coming in until I have my shit together. I feel like I had just woken up from a nightmare, panic was surfacing and tightening my throat. Something hot was rolling around in my stomach. I had heard that people have adverse reactions to anesthesia. Mine was gurgling, begging to be freed. There wasn't a bucket in sight, at least not that I could see. I was afraid to sit up for fear of alerting the doctors watching from the camera.

Voices near and I close my eyes as a soft whoosh as the door opened and then closed behind my new visitor. The person took two steps toward me. For the next few minutes I attempt the urge to look like I was still under. Then the person blows air into my face and my lashes flutter.

"You did just fine, Ms. Masterson," the gentle, Southern accent of a man told me.

I open my eyes to find brilliant blue eyes staring down at me from black, wire rimmed glasses. The white whiskers around his lip and cheeks made him look like a wise old dog. He wore a white coat, a doctor's coat, so I am back to my mistrust. Calm voice or not, this man is the enemy.

"You're feeling well; I expect?"

That wasn't a legit question for someone in my position so I say nothing.

"Well. I am going to need you to tell me how you're feeling before I can release you back to your ward."

I pushed myself to a seated position, keeping my thighs flexed over the thing I felt between them. The doctor reached his hand up toward me. I wasn't sure what he meant to do, but I bat his hand away immediately.

"Do I frighten you?"

I pulled my covers up, feeling the hot mess in my stomach rising.

"Well, "the doctor said and reached into the pocket of his coat. "I have here a prescription for something to help with the bleeding and some for the cramping you may feel. I am going to give it to your counselor, Mrs. Krenshaw and we'll...."

"I want to see her," I interjected.

The doctor scanned my face, his eyes contracted and he began to shake the bottles of pills like maracas. "I'll get her for you," he stated softly. He reached up his hand again and this time I let him tuck a strand of loose hair behind my ears. He looked downright apologetic. There was a certain sadness in his eyes that began to create tears behind my own. I held it together long enough for him to go away and for Mrs. K to enter seconds later.

"You gave me an abortion," I said, trying to steady my voice. The words made me tremble. I pushed the blanket off now and swung my feet over the edge. There was a small blood stain on the sheet where my butt had been.

"I gave you more than that."

She wore a dark green jumpsuit with one of those frilly, pirate-like blouses underneath. Her face was unmoving like it's been pumped full of Botox. She kept her distance, leaning up against the stainless steel counter and folding her arms across her chest.

I wanted to rip her apart with my bare hands.

"You didn't even tell me what was happening," I said, my voice sounding more and more desperate by the second. "You didn't have my permission."

"You're the property of the state," Mrs. K replied. "We don't need your permission to do anything."

"It's murder."

"It's not when you consider what we're speaking of."

"We're speaking of a human life!"

I watch her eyes dart up to the camera and then back to me.

"I'm going to have to ask you to calm down otherwise you'll be restrained, Drew."

I slid off of the bed. "Don't call me Drew."

Her arms unfolded and dangled at her side. "Think about it," she said. "I did you a favor."

"A favor? You killed a living thing inside of me. That is a favor to nobody."

She took a step toward me, her mouth in a sideways grin. "You were walking around with the offspring of a boy who raped you while you were drugged," she stated. "What do you think he would have done when he found out? He could force you to marry him and then what? He could do what he wanted to do to you, just like that night in the club, over and over and over...."

I lost it. I leaned down, gripping my stomach and vomited all over the shiny white linoleum floor. The pressure caused a warming sensation in the pad between my legs. It was too thin and I beginning to bleed through. I got to my knees as tears began to make trails down my cheeks. The smell of the vomit, the blood, everything was just too much for me. I felt like I was emptying out in the worst way possible.

Mrs. K bent down to me and put a heavy hand on my shoulder. I pushed it away immediately. She didn't call for help. She stayed there with me until I looked up at her and saw that she was crying, as well, a flush rising into her face.

"You know this wasn't easy for me," she said.

I lurched and prepared for another bout. This time Mrs. K got up and hands me a small bucket. I vomited again and set it down. I moved away, clutching my chest. Mrs. K got braver and moved toward me, setting her hands on my arms and pulled me into her embrace. I let her and it felt all right for a second. Then she went back and got me another pad to put on.

"What can I do to help you?"

I calmed down just enough to answer her. "You can take me home. I want my parents."

Mrs. K sighed. "You know I can't do that."

"Then leave."

She left and the second she did I buried my face into the pillow on the bed and screamed as loud as I could until I had to lift my head to breathe. Then I stood up and changed the pad. I couldn't look at it as I wrapped it into paper towels and threw it into the trash can. I didn't even care who was watching. If there was a place far across the edge of the world, that was where my point of caring lied.

The tears just kept on coming so I crawled back into the bed and pulled the blanket over my head. I stayed like that for a while before I decided that suffocation wasn't the way I wanted to die. I stuck my head out and rolled onto my back, touching the place just under my belly button. I was a woman at one point, there was something there much larger than myself and even though I didn't know it, even though it had been there for such a short time, the space it left was much larger than a tear in the world itself.