The Innocents

Chapter Thirty-One

I will never forget that night.

I couldn't close my eyes for fear of losing the precious little time I had left in this world. I wanted to scream and cry, but my physical self wouldn't allow it. There was something deeper inside that yearned for that release. It was my very soul begging to go before I even had a chance to understand it. I couldn't lose my sanity now. I couldn't stand at the mouth of death without it.

But it could only go that way, I suppose. I came into the world with fear, a singular emotion that will send me off in just the same way no matter how hard I tried. For the briefest of moments, I imagined that I was someplace else and in the darkness I found the lavender field of Provence where my Heaven will be. Hopefully, if my angels are willing, they would take me quick and I could be there without any prolonged pain. I wonder if anyone would visit my grave. I know my dad will. His devotion to me far surpasses the veil of death. I know Jackson won't. I doubted I was even on his mind at all. I know this as surely as I know that he will go to his own grave without the forgiveness from me that he will soon wish he had.

I spent what time I could with Miles. They didn't make me do my laundry duty so we took vigil in the craft room just being near each other. At one point, I pretended to work out while he stood guard in the doorway. He looked at me with longing. I never in my entire life thought I could be the reason for such a look. Nobody bothered us, which was nice. I didn't even have a scheduled session with Mrs. K. which was odd because I expected her to be the one to do the fake comfort thing and tell me that everything was all right. Maybe she had finally found that things weren't all right. I guess it didn't really matter at this point. In a day I'd be just a memory.

They woke me before the lights go on for wake up and even though the darkness assumed everyone is asleep, I could see each and every pair of eyes on me and with that company Marla and I leave The Thorn for the last time. We're led downstairs to an area that resembles a basement and put into a room that smells like gasoline. There was no furniture there, no windows, no color and we just stood there our bodies pressed together in an embrace that we could only hope would transform us into something bigger; something able to break free of this room and sprout wing and in this metamorphosis, fly to freedom. Wherever that was.

We don't need words. I couldn't speak a coherent thought if I wanted to. That was until they took Marla away from me.

We hung on as long as we could. I had a good, strong grip on the sleeve of her jumpsuit before the distance grew and I slid my hand down to grasp hers. Our fingers touched briefly before all contact was broken. I lost it. I screamed and screamed and in between, before the large iron doors closed on us, all she could say to me was to STAY GOLD and with that, the little blonde girl with the love of all things Shakespeare left my world.

I threw my body against the door and walls, bruising my skin, hoping to break something so I could hurt along with my friend. This couldn't be happening, I thought. I can't be. She can't be dead. Please, don't let Marla be dead!

By the time the door opens again, my nose bled and I ripped the collar of my jumpsuit so that it hung off of my shoulder. I lunge at the first person who entered. It was Mrs K who had always been the enemy so I don't hold back. I succeeded in tearing off her pearl necklace before being subdued by two guards. I watched the pearls fall, bouncing in all directions until I am able to focus my attention away.

"How did she go?" I asked, choking back tears.

"Peacefully," Mrs. K obliged.

I let go and began to cry. I am on my knees and the two guards who had been holding me back away as if I had just turned nuclear. A peaceful death wasn't in the cards for any of us. I knew this, but for some reason I wasn't angry at this obvious lie.

"What did she say to you before they took her?" Mrs K asked.

"She told me to stay gold."

"What does that mean?"

I looked up with cloudy eyes. "It means to stay pure and shine on like nothing in the world can touch you."

"Do you believe that?"

I nod. "I still do."

So, I stayed gold when I was taken from that room and brought into another. I stayed gold when I was told to sit in a chair that resembled one you'd find in a dentist's office. I stayed gold when I was strapped in with belts. I stayed gold when I felt the eyes behind the two-way mirror in front of me waiting for me to die. I knew Crawford was there amongst them. Then I felt the needle in my arm and I thought myself, God had given me a peaceful death after-all and maybe Mrs. K had been telling the truth about Marla and I then I began to drift.

I could feel the memory of Miles' kiss on my lips and Marla's touch and my last thought before I left was that I had been blessed with love. I didn't spend any time confessing the bad things I had done in my life. I spent it remembering.

Until I died

Or at least I thought I had.