Tired of The Tirades

Lana Del Rey

*Warning*
May trigger feelings/emotions

Life is so fucking hard nowadays. I try my best to get out of bed without feeling like I'm going to collapse and never get up again. I wake up at 3 a.m. petrified by what I assume is my own shadow. And as I rock myself- crying, internally screaming- I feel like I'm living in a glass shell, and all I want I do is break out of it. Break free but every time I tried, I cracked a part and got too bruised to continue trying.
The demons inside me are slowly eating out my brain, feeding on anything positive in my mind. It's driving me absolutely balmy.
The only way to escape is to give up. Panic when the panic attack arrives and kill your already shattered self with depression. The roots of self destruction run so deep that if I were to pull them out they would simply create more cracks on my already imperfect skin.

I'm a sad and completely fucked up wreck of emotions and stress. An over thinking useless piece of shit. An unbearable clingy bitch. Isn't that what everyone thinks about me? Even if not everyone, I certainly do. And no one else matters when all you think of yourself is a worthless blade of dried grass in a green lawn.
Everyone has talents right? Everyone has their highs and lows. Then again I'm not everyone. I'm a nobody. A nobody who people couldn't care less about. It hurts sometimes to see the indifference. Not popular, not artistic, not musical, not smart. Just there. Empty gold. The only thing that keeps me going is that someday I will manage to get out of this terrible grasp of the dark, but I still highly doubt it.

It's a battle to wake up every morning and walk to the bus stop feeling like the weight of my soul is gonna pull me down. It's like my heart is a bunch of stones in my pockets and I'm sinking. Sinking into a ever-deepening sea of nothingness. I wish I could just try to swim. Just an attempt would make me feel the least bit more positive, but no.
All I feel is waves of sadness, disappointment and never ending self doubt and negative energy. Save me from myself somebody. Save me from myself.
All I want is someone to pull me out of the dark, hold me while I sob relentlessly. Then again sometimes I wish my pulse dropped low enough and I just died painlessly in my sleep.

I try so hard to kill pessimistic and dark me, but somehow that side is killing the bright one. I don't know what to do to try and see the rainbow after the downpour or whatever the fuck that phrase is. Sadly to me unicorns seem like same old horses but with horns. All that happy shit just makes me wince.
How can people actually think Oreo land and candy houses and chocolate fountain level optimistic thoughts? I can hardly think about living till tomorrow.
My muse is that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be less worse if not better. Then again I'm not the optimistic role model for 16-year-olds.

Fat, unattractive, dumb, antisocial, freak are words that I commonly associate myself with. And I really don't think that's something to live by but at the same time I couldn't give a rat's ass. Society just sets standards for you to fulfil and then deserts you. It doesn't matter how you achieve their approval. Even of it kills you, they'll always remember how you lived. Obeying their set of laws or defiant and rebellious. They would never consider the fact that it was their fault you were found swaying from the ceiling fan.

They will show absolute disgust and put on a shocked grimace as you blame them for your life's end in your suicide note. It'll always be your issues, problems created by you. Not them. They're innocent, caring, not irrational or forceful in any way whatsoever. Of course you can be anything, not gay though, or bisexual. Those are just fads. Phases we go through at some point in our lives. It's not a part of our personalities, certainly not. So I'm jut going to accept my terrible fate and sit sulking and listening to relatable music by Lana Del Rey.