At age seven
I stared blankly at the television screen whilst my mother sat next to me. Two men began passionately kissing each other before sputtering diction upon their love for each other. My mother's cold hand quickly covered my youthful eyes before sternly aphorizing that what I just witnessed was wrong and sinful, that the word of god says it is forbidden; she told me, "Go outside, Phillip, go play by the water lilies. Go play with Daniel. We will not speak of this."
At age thirteen
I sat blasé at a church service, my eyes tracing to the podium in which my father, the pastor was preaching his beliefs to the people of the church. Their assiduity in serving their gods is remarkably conspicuous, I certainly should not be credulous of the title of "the pastors son." Rather, another non believer of this intolerant religion. Something the pretentious populace of Christianity need to understand is that my disbelief is not in the least akin to nihilism or Anarchism, only a personal opinion that needs to be respected, but they can't know that, my father would murder me. My train of thought traveled back to what my father was saying. He began preaching about Homosexuality. How it was wrong. How is was disgusting. I was so obdurate with my views that I wanted so badly to waltz up to that podium and scream how intolerable all of these people here are. But I couldn't, I wouldn't dare. I am a sinner, I am an abomination. My eyes danced to the sight of my best friend Dan. He too, was religious and we knew each other through the church. His gorgeous hazelnut brown hair rested atop his head, like the leaves of an autumnal tree. Dans golden eyes held me down as he flashed me a smile. He looked back at my father with a sorrowful expression on his face and clutched his crucifix necklace. I looked to my feet and felt guilty. My mother looked over at me from across the pew. Her feeble voiced smothered my ear as she whispered, "Honey, are you alright?" My face turned blue with anxiety. I stumbled through words before concluding that "I wasn't feeling well." My mother looked at me with pitiful blue eyes. "Philip, go play by the water lilies. Father and I will come get you for brunch after service. Maybe Daniel can join us." I clutched my stomach to masquerade the fact that I was thinking the unthinkable. Ill just pray by the water lilies.
At age fifteen
Im sat on my bed with my best friend, Dan Howell, who is also the leader of our churches youth group. I can tell Dan anything, well, almost anything. We sit cross legged parallel from one another on my bed. "So... you know Olivia from youth group?" Dan lewdly inclined. My heart lowered like a sunken ship, of course Dan fancied the beautiful women of the church. I don't stand a chance, he probably thinks my kind are an abomination anyways. He looked up at me. Maybe it's the sweetness of his face that makes me want to reach out and cup his cheek in my hand, or the grace of his personality that forces my heart to drop like an elevator with a broken cable, either way, there's something about that boy... something that makes me go wild. I nodded at his question in relation to Olivia. His soft and supple lips began to form words as he spoke about her. "My mother wants me to... You know, go out with her and get married someday, I don't want to disappoint but I don't really have feelings toward her. My moms heart is set on this and I feel so bad, but Olivia can be kind of cheeky sometimes..." he trailed off. I placed my frail hand on his shoulder. Something about making physical contact with him made lightning bolts shoot through my body, like all of my fireworks were exploding in the dark. I think he felt it too. We locked eyes intensely, and I started slowly nearing his face. "Don't do anything you don't want to do, Dan, just do what makes you happy. Follow your heart, she's not what you want." I said in a rather fond tone. He looked at me with a large amount of compassion, or maybe it's all in my head. Dans a Christian boy, not a bad boy. He plopped his head in his hands. "I don't know philly..." Dan said dolefully. "Don't call me philly" I replied rather sarcastically. "Okay Philadelphia" he shot me a smirk. "Shut up dandelion." I replied.
Smiles spread across our faces from the banter and we both let out a few joyful giggles. "Anyways, what I was saying.." Dan began. "I've been really confused about the romantic aspects of my life." I looked at him wistfully, I can tell Dans upset. All I want to do is hold him. "Well, what are you confused about? I'll support you through anything, and you know that." Dan scooted towards me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "You can't tell anyone about this, okay? Not your Mum, your Dad, My mum, my Dad, nobody." He said nervously. "I can assure you, whatever it is, your secret is safe with me." Dans hands still rested upon my shoulders. I wanted so badly to pull him close, but I was too nervous. He can probably hear my heart beating like a mini drum. "Phil, I-I.." Dans eyes became teary. "I know it's wrong, a sin, an abomination.." my face immediately heats up, and a visible blush spreads across my checks. I know what this is about. "And it's totally fine if you hate me after this, b-but I think that I'm... g-gay..." His face was bright red and he looked down at his lap. I immediately tackled him in a hug, my body landing on top of his. I lay on his chest embracing him. "Dan! It's okay. I will love you until the end of time. I don't care if you're gay, straight, black, white, Christian, or atheist. I love you because.... you are you. That's all there is to it." With our faces inches away, I can feel his breath on me. My increase in heart rate isn't helping either... "I love you so much." Dan said in a breathy whisper, half laughing half crying. "You're the best friend I could ever ask for." He whispered again. I felt a pang of sadness, I don't know why.. did I want to be more than just friends? Am I...in love with Dan?
To be continued in chapter one; thank you for reading my loves! ♡
