In Spirit Not Body

January 2, 2014

When I was younger my mom said I was a huge pushover.

Whenever someone would ask something of me I'd give in almost immediately. It wasn't even the fact that I felt obligated to do it, I wanted to. If my mom needed toilet paper, I'd run across the street to buy some. If my dad was feeling sick I would try my hardest to find a way to make him feel better. But I think the most desperate i became was to my brother. He was my role model. Some one I just wanted to be when I grew up.

I can almost regret not having the chance to grow up. 

Almost

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I think I realized I was dead when I was able to walk through a wall without injuring myself. I mean, I suppose it was obvious when I woke up unaware of where I was. I was always a good girl, never smoked nor drank. I didn't have any friends or really socialized with people so being drugged wasn't an option. I think honestly I was just trying to find an explanation because it didn't make sense. Why wasn't I home? But mostly where the heck was I?

I couldn't remember.

I spent a few minutes just walking around, I had the sneaking suspicion I was just walking in circles. I swear I'd seen that oak tree twice already. After a while I recognized the streets of Hollendale, a city away about an hour away  from where I lived.

Okay, so maybe I read the sign. 

But how did I end up here! It was so peculiar. I wanted to freak out so badly...

But I couldn't feel.

 I don't think I notice until later on. I was breathing and I was lost. It was all I could think about at that moment.

And that's how I was at that moment, on January 2nd in the late afternoon, dazed and confused and mildly scared when I realized I was dead.

When I hit that wall, something I should have seen but failed miserable at with using my senses.

I was always a clumsy person.

When I was alive I would spend half my time on the floor. And yeah, I did say when I was alive. Of course most of the things in my house were glass, seeing as my mom liked to collect antiqe things. So I'd also spend most of my time picking up shards off my feet. It sorta did make sense that I would manage to hit something in plain sight.

This is the point where everyone questions how I could take a guess on being dead by just hitting a wall.

Well, there you go.

I didn't just bump into it...

I went through it..

Alright, so yeah. It might sound awesome being able to walk through a wall but 

1) It's a wall, its not meant to be walked through

2) I could feel it.

Like, actually feel it.

I was becoming one with the wall.

Yoda ain't got nothing on me.

For a minute I thought I was dreaming. I mean, anyone would. Usually there was a hunky version of Taylor Lautner joining me, wooing me with promises of llama infested fields and chocolate cake. But from what I could see, no one was around. And I never usually was alone in my dreams, maybe in my nightmares but it was strange to just be standing  here.