FATED | camren

4

Lauren is 13 when she realizes that she's gay.

It doesn't happen suddenly or at once, it's come creeping in, it's all the little things that slowly begin to add up.

One of her earliest memories of preferring women over men was when she'd watch all those Disney princess movies and she'd always been a lot more fascinated with the princesses than all the princes.

She was 6 years old when she first watched Aladdin with Camila in one of their countless sleepover, cuddled together on the couch in their matching jammies. Lauren remembers that Aladdin was properly Camila's first crush and how she wanted to be saved like Jasmine, in contrast, all Lauren could think about was that she wanted to be the one to rescue Jasmine and how she'd love to run her fingers through her shiny, black hair and maybe Jasmine would let her braid it for her.

But she was 6 years old and she'd just learned to spell her name and none of those things mattered.

When all the girls went from 'eeeew boys!' to 'awww boys', Lauren was still perpetually stuck at ew boys!. Of course fate would have it that she was best friends with Camila Cabello who's been a lovesick puppy since forever and Lauren swears she's almost always crushing on some boy. Lauren would be confused when Camila would point at a boy in 4h grade and go, "he's so cute, Lauren, don't you think he's cute?" and Lauren would just stare blankly at said boy and say, 'I think I've seen him eat his boogers."

She's ten years old and she's hanging out with Camila and a few other girls from their class when they suddenly start to talk about boys and if any of them has ever tried to kiss a boy. They're giggling and blushing and each and everyone of them is crushing on the new boy with the floppy hair and British accent and Lauren can't relate at all. Then they'd all turn their big, eager eyes on her and ask her who her crush is, a question Camila had asked her countless time, relentless, and Lauren had just shrugged.

"I don't know. None of them. I guess."

And she almost said that she thought that Cindy Abraham from the class above them was really pretty with her hair that seemed to be spun from fire and her lipglossed lips, but she didn't because she knew that wasn't what she was supposed to say.

Puberty descends upon them and suddenly things becomes a little more obvious, like how Lauren can't stop sneaking glances at the girls in the changing room or how she finds herself staring at Jessica White's chest because she's very well-endowed for a 13-year-old girl or how when she watches romantic films with Camila and Camila is fawning over Ryan Gosling, Lauren wants to be Ryan Gosling, wants to be the one passionately kissing Rachel Adams in the pouring rain because Rachel Adams is gorgeous.

Lauren has a distinct memory of standing before a mirror and staring at her awkward, 13 year old self and repeating quietly "I'm not a dyke. I'm not a dyke. I'm not a dyke." because that's what the boys in her school called Melanie C from the Spice Girls.

At the time, the denial was enough but it didn't last long.

She's 13 and a ½ and she's visiting her father in Orlando. They're out in town, buying ice-cream and somehow trying to keep their father-daughter relationship from completely deteriorating; which is hard when you only see your father once in forever when he pulls his shit together.

They're walking down the towns square and Lauren is enjoying her ice-cream, curiously looking around at the people bustling by when her eyes fall on something unfamiliar. There are two women, perhaps in their late 20s and they're sitting at an outdoor café, their hands intertwined on top of their table, their heads close as they talk to each other. Lauren thinks it looks romantic, except these are two women. Suddenly they lean in close and share a passionate kiss and Lauren stops up and stares and can't look away.