Regardless.

In the now

I stared at my mom and she, once again, began talking about college. 

I was good at school. I had straight eyes and had been taking college courses for some time now, even though I was just a junior in high school. I was a good student. I wasn't that involved in my high school, though and I watched as my mom took pity on me on Friday nights when I was at home studying, instead of being at the football game. I didn't mind. I wasn't a fan of crowds or people and so being home with my laptop and a smoothie sounded a lot better than cheering for a sport I didn't give two fucks about.

I was in journalism, though. Which is the school newspaper and I was good at that. I won't get into that a whole lot, just because it's a little irrelevant, but. Might as well through that in there to say that I'm not a total antisocial loner who just did their work and coasted through high school.

"Are you listening?" My mom asked. I wasn't. I usually didn't when she talked about college. Mostly because that's all we ever talked about and I already had my life planned out. I knew every step. Having the same conversation over and over isn't going to change what has already been decided since Freshmen year. 

I nodded to her anyway. My mom and I were close, don't get me wrong, but we didn't always get along. We were very different people. Her habits bugged me and mine bugged her. She didn't like to plan, whereas me, I already had an apartment lined up in Columbus for three or four years down the line. She found me annoying sometimes, because I could be a smart ass. I did like to put my commentary in, but it was only because she lacked sometimes in the intelligent department. I got a lot of my intelligence from my father, who was a doctor. I got a lot of things from my dad. Him and my mom don't get along either, and I get it. She sees him in me and I know it hurts her.

--

I may be a loner who doesn't like to talk to people, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to date. Because I did. A lot. I dated a lot of people and broke hearts a lot. Currently, it's this boy named Ryan. He's shy and cute and affectionate. We weren't official, but we weren't seeing other people. He was tall and blonde. He had green eyes and a deep voice. He was intimidated by me. I'm not going to try to be this humble person, because I'm really not. I know my looks are above average and my body was something to be envious of. The fact that he was intimidated by me got on my nerves. His hands got sweaty around me so he wouldn't hold my hand. He wouldn't touch me, not in any way. He wouldn't dare kiss me. And he didn't even say hi to me in the school's hallways. It was embarrassing how timid he was around me. 

I still liked him, though. Enough. Enough to go on dates with him and go to homecoming with. He was sitting across from me now at a local breakfast place talking my ear off about something his friend Robbie did. He talked about Robbie a lot, and I didn't mind. I liked Robbie. He was funny and in a weird way, charming. He wasn't that attractive and not that smooth with words, but something about Robbie was entrancing to me. Not that I was interested in dating him, I just liked to be around him.

"Robbie talks a lot about you," Ryan said, suddenly. He looked down at his napkin. I knew it was an insecurity of his. He thought Robbie and I liked each other, in a romantic way. Although I couldn't say anything on Robbie's side, I knew I would never be interested in dating him. "It is just excessive sometimes." 

I didn't talk much. I just didn't like putting my two sense in when I can't speak the truth or when I didn't know the truth, even though I was a smart ass. "I'm sure it means nothing," I said. "We're friends, you know that. We get along. I know you're worried about me suddenly taking off and dating Robbie, but that is not going to happen," I took a bite of my chocolate chip pancakes to signify I was done talking. Ryan just nodded, but I could tell my words didn't put him at ease at all.

--

It was at night where it was the hardest. Some say I have forgotten about my first love, which I will now enclose that his name was Reid. I hadn't forgotten about Reid, I really couldn't have. 

At night was when he would sometimes text me. I would ignore them. But why would I? Because I was scared of my love for him and besides that, I was with Ryan at the time and call me what you like, but I am no cheater.

His texts were simple. For example, this particular night his text read, "thinking of you. now and forever." I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted to reply, but I knew where that would lead me. He was the one person I couldn't be without and so ignoring him was my only option. I needed to forget my love for him, which I would soon learn was utterly impossible. I tried anyway. I told myself I did the right thing every night so I could go to bed. Maybe I did. I still think he could find someone better. Someone who can handle their love for others. Clearly I couldn't do that and he needed someone who could. He deserved someone who could.

My phone dinged a second time and it was still Reid. This text said, "Praying one day you might respond."

My body ached and I cried harder. He had no idea how badly I wanted to respond. How badly I just wanted to be with him again. I just couldn't. I know I seem like I am being dramatic or I could just so easily go back to him, but the truth was, I couldn't. I was with Ryan. Sure, I could never love Ryan quite like I loved Reid, but thats who I was with and that was that. Secondly, I was trying to be selfless. The first time, I couldn't handle my emotions and broke him. I refuse to break him a second time.  I won't. I can't. 

And so I lay there. Praying one day I might respond, too.