So You Tried to Put a Fire Out, but You Used Gasoline ~ Phan

Chapter Eight

                  

Dan's POV

I awoke with a jolt, sweat collecting on my forehead. The familiar feeling of waking up and feeling nothing but a dull pain in my chest returned again, as it does every time. I tear the blankets off of me and look down at the foot of the bed to see Phil, head down in his crossed arms lying on my bed. I don't even remember him coming in last night... but then again, I don't remember much of last night at all.

I slowly push myself off of the bed, wincing as a shooting pain runs through my body. I look down at myself, seeing my arm full of tiny, scabbed-over cuts. There were some new bruises formed on my skin, painted amongst the gallery of all the others. My head starts pounding, my stomach starts aching, and I want to throw up.

Oh yeah, I had been drinking last night.

I smashed that bottle after I polished it off, didn't I? I must've blacked out right after that, fallen onto the ground, and cut my arm in the process.

Phil probably heard and came to check on me. Funny, I haven't even seen or heard from him this whole week. Now all of the sudden he cares again?

"Shit." I say rather loudly in pain, squeezing my eyes shut. I've been so exhausted lately, even though I've slept so much. There's really no point in staying awake anymore. I don't really have anything to do or anyone to see, besides the doctor's appointments that I've been going to. I've been sent all over the place for testing, questioning, meetings, things of the like. It's been quite boring and tiring, to be honest. I just want this all to be over. But of course, it won't ever truly be over.

"Dan? Are you awake?" I hear Phil say hoarsely. I turn to look at him, and I can't believe my eyes. He looks terrible, not much better than me. He looks disturbed, haunted even.

"Unfortunately." I mutter to his dismay, a look of annoyance washing over his face.

"Nice to see you haven't changed over the past week." He sighs passively.

"Why do you care? It's not like you've made any attempt to come talk to me."

"You think I haven't wanted to? I fucking have, Dan. I'm scared and I'm worried and I don't know what to do with you anymore, alright? Should I leave because apparently you hate me now? Should I not leave because you obviously can't handle being by yourself, as I found out last night? I don't know anymore. I don't even know what's wrong with you and you just expect me to take what you hand me and that's it. You know how hard it's been this past week alone? I've been worried sick about you. You're the one who is sick, and I don't even know what to do. I'm at a loss, honestly. This whole thing is so messed up, don't you think? Abandoning your own boyfriend who has taken care of you for so long because you're too angry to handle anything. I can't believe you. That's not even the worst part! The worst part is tha-"

"Phil, stop. I understand that you're upset with me and I'm really really sorry, but I-"

"No, I'm not taking any more excuses from you. Tell me, Dan, should I stay or should I go?"

"Phil-"

"No. Answer me, now." He asserts his dominance over me, and I shiver. I feel bile rising up in my throat, I'm going to be sick.

"I can't..." I cover my mouth and run to the bathroom, nearly tripping over my feet.

"Go ahead and run away like you always do, fine. Unbelievable," He calls after me but I can no longer hear him when I've slammed the bathroom door behind me and am now retching over the toilet.

After puking my guts out, silence had fallen in the flat, save for my heavy panting and occasional dry heaving.

I hear a knock on the door, followed by a hushed voice.

"Dan, are you okay? I didn't mean to be so harsh, I just got angry. I heard you throwing up, I brought you some water. I can leave it outside the door if you want me to."

"No, it's alright. You can come in." I say weakly and unlock the door.

He walks in and hands me a glass of water, then slides down the wall and sits next to me on the floor. We share a moment of silence as I sip my water, staring off into space.

"You really did hurt me, y'know." He says flatly in a broken tone.

"Phil, I'm so sorry, fuck. I don't hate you and I want you to stay. I feel like I'm just going to keep hurting you, though. You can leave if you're better off without me. I'm bringing you down with me but you deserve the best and you deserve happiness and you deserve so much more than this. I don't know how to control this awful energy. They told me what I have and I don't understand but-"

"Wait, they told you what you have? When?"
"Two days ago. I've got really bad thyroid issues and it doesn't look too good. I had a mental health evaluation too and that didn't look good either. I've got hypothyroidism and intermittent explosive disorder. They think that the disorders feed off of each other, creating a shitstorm in the process."

"Oh my god, are they giving you anything for it?"

"I'm going to start treatment soon and they recommended going to a therapist, so I might try that too. The problem is, is that hypothyroidism is more common in women than it is in men and the typical treatment for women is hormone therapy. They're putting me through different drug trials until we find the one that works since this is so rare. It could get better, it could get worse, we don't really know yet. I wanted to tell you but I haven't even processed it myself."

"I'm so sorry, Dan. I'll be here for you through every step of the way, alright? I love you so much."

Tears were now streaming our faces. It was harder to say out loud than I'd thought.

"Promise?"

"I pinky promise." He holds out his pinky to me, and I grasp it with mine. I hold on for dear life.

*AUTHOR'S NOTE*

Hello! How are you guys? How's your day going?

This is my comeback chapter I guess ?? What's your opinion on it?

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Thank you for reading!