Silently, I walk in the pouring rain, towards that old abandoned bus station, running away from Daddy again. He's drunk again, and the sting from the smack across my face is starting to burn with every rain drop that spills on it. My jaw aches and I can feel my sweater rubbing against my back, against the open wounds from Daddy's belt. He loves adding to the scars. He always has a fascination with making me cry. Then he spits on me, and laughs at me.
"Crying is for the weak, stupid little bitch! Cry a river if you want. No one cares!"
"Daddy, I'm sorry.. I love you.. Please, stop.." I beg and plead for hours sometimes. That only edges him on more.
I sit on the only bench that's not drenched in water and bury my head in my hands. I can still feel the burn from the cigar on my arm. He laughed, cynically. He enjoys watching me feel pain. Is this how daddies show love? This happens regularly, its been going on for years now. Mommy never says anything. She works three jobs and is always high off her Vicoden & Tramadol. I see my Mother twice a week if I'm lucky enough. The kids at school bully me. Laughing at my weight and my scars. I'm deathly skinny and fragile.
The only things I can think of are cigarettes, weed, pills, cutting, throwing up & suicide. I don't know if I want to commit suicide, well the only reason I won't is because of my best and only friend Grayson. I couldn't stand his reaction to when I first tried to commit suicide and I won't put him through that again. But still, suicide is always one of my options, one I consider a lot. I remember talking about it once, and the girl I considered my best friend, dared me. She bet me sixty dollars I wouldn't. I didn't take the bet. But what do you do when you're so mentally fucked that you can't seem to decide whether or not you should be alive? You have all the opportunities to take your own life, yet you still contemplate whether to act on them or not. I've sat in my bed all night long sometimes, thinking about how or when. Who it would affect.. Who it wouldn't.
Drugs are a huge part in my life right now. I do anything to get a nice high. I party and always skip school. Dad says he only sends me to school because he hates me being in his sight. Yet when I run away he comes and finds me and then beats me for leaving.
I had a lot of girl friends when I was about ten, I'm fourteen now. But I lost them all after my dad would force us to hook up and take videos of us. Ugh, he was so loving and caring when I was little. I don't know what happened but if it means me having to stay alive and wait for the old him to come back, so be it.
