Rules for Enduring the Sweenys

Origin of the Rules: Bella Harken's Journal, April 5th, 1998

I’m sorry it’s been a few days since I last wrote. He’s been keeping an extra close eye on me. It didn’t used to be so bad, only the other men hurt me. But, he says every day that it’s my fault Mama died. I guess... maybe it is true. I didn’t used to think so but… Georgie says he won’t ever let me forget what I did to her. He says I need to be punished.

Why me? Can you tell me that? Why did I trust him? I broke my first rule, but never again. He said we were gonna go on that trip we were always talking about when I went to see him in the hospital, after Bryce and Zane stopped visiting. “When I get better Bell, we’ll take a road trip around the country. Just me and you Jelly Belly, it will be wonderful…” and I believed him.

Why am I so stupid? I should have just stayed up in that tree where he could never touch me. Where none of his “friends” could ever touch me.

I was so stupid. But now I have my rules, and they’re working. Not ever trusting Georgie will mean that I’ll get hurt less. Except, yesterday he hit me harder than I’ve ever been hit before. My bruise is big and black, and it hurts. Today, he bought me another stupid Barbie to make up for it, even though I haven’t played with Barbie’s since before Ma died. Even my foster dad, Thomas, knows that.

It’s my fault though; everything that happens to me is my fault. If I just keep that in mind, maybe it’ll be my fault when I escape from this terrible place. I gave up a long time ago, Jake and Bryce will never come to save me. They aren’t the super heroes that I thought they were.

Bella, you don’t live in a goddamn fairy tale. You live in the real world. This means you follow your rules, stay alive, and escape as soon as possible. I will do it.

It’s too quiet. I hate that. When it’s loud, I can know where everybody is. I hate not knowing. Whoever came up with the saying, “silence is golden,” is a fucking moron. Whenever it’s quiet around Georgie, I get a bad feeling in my stomach. Lately, I’ve just known that he’s gonna hurt me worse and worse, even though he only started hurting me himself a few months ago. Before that, only the other ones hurt me.

I learned to stop thinking and feeling when they’re around. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forget what they do to me. It doesn’t seem like I will.

I’ve learned to always be on my toes. I’ll never, for even one second, be unaware, because that’s when the worst stuff comes sneaking up on me. Georgie is pure evil. How could my wonderful big brothers come from him? Zane: sweet, generous, smart, daredevil; Jake: wild, fun, hilarious, protective; Bryce: responsible, calm, resourceful, tough. They’re all easily angered, but maybe that’s the only trait they share with Georgie. I hope so.

I will never let Georgie make me feel sad, happy, guilty, scared or any other emotion. He will never have control over me. Not like he has. Real dads don’t rent out their daughters to sleaze bags. He makes me feel dirty and gross, but he doesn’t care. He pretends he cares until he runs out of meth and coke, and has no money to pay his drug dealers.

He doesn’t realize that somebody is getting rich off his addiction, and somebody else, a child (me) is getting rented out like some whore… Or maybe he does realize it, and he just doesn’t give a shit.

That’s why having feelings is not okay. He manipulates them like I’m some kind of toy. Don’t worry about me though. I make sure to try and stay one step ahead of him. Sometimes it doesn’t always work, but I try my hardest. And whenever I can, I try to get revenge in whatever way possible.

When you’re older, and you read this horrid journal, make sure you remember that you tried to make the best of it. Shit, you can draw better than you ever could before. And you’ve got a lotta street smarts. That’s good. And at least Georgie kept his promise to see the country.

Bella, do not give up hope. Because you’ll survive Georgie Wheeler. I know you will. Rely on yourself and you’ll get home safely. Maybe with a few broken bones and dislocated limbs. But Bryce will fix them, just like he always did before.

Just don’t forget these words from a hopeful, younger you.

I’ll survive this mess; I just gotta follow my rules.

~ Bella Noname, April 5th, 1998 (Day # 321)

P.S., My birthday was four days ago. Thirteen!