"Oh god I think I'm in love with him" I heard a voice whispering in my sleep, just before I woke up.
I opened my eyes and looked straight into two green eyes. Sparkly, like an ocean to drown in. I knew those eyes. Those eyes were Connors.
"What did you say?" I asked
"Nothing" he said, panicky.
"I know you did" I smirked.
And then I did it.
I know, I shouldn't have done it. But I did.
I leaned my head in and let my lips touch his.
We kissed. We actually kissed.
It was a moment I'll never be able do describe. Like floating on thousands of clouds, far above cloud nine.
My eyes were closed but I know he looked wonderful.
I was out of breath, but not like after sports. It was a good kind of being out of breath. I wanted more of the kiss, more of him, more of this sparkly feeling in my stomach.
This was my first kiss.
He pulled away.
"You're right. I think I'm in live with you"
And he leaned in again. We kissed again. And again. And again.
I laid next to him in my bed, our bodies were tangled together. Hugging someone you truly love is one of the most wonderful, beautiful feelings in the world.
I was still exhausted because of my little walk yesterday. So I closed my eyes.
"You know what, Troye?"
I opened my eyes again.
"What?"
"You don't have to show Perth to me anymore. I've found my happiness in here already."
I felt tears coming up in my eyes.
Not anyone ever said something as nice as that to me.
I didn't want to cry, but I still did.
Connor comforted me by kissing my forehead, wich actually made me cry even more. I love him. I really do.
"That's so sweet of you" I said, smiling through my tears.
•
He made us breakfast while I stayed in bed.
I hope he doesn't burn the house down.
He probably won't.
I was still cold from yesterday, I could feel the cold in my bones.
Maybe someone cares about me.
I think Connor cares about me.
Maybe there is a reason to live.
Maybe Connor is my reason to live.
I don't give a fuck. I'm not giving up.
Connor walked into the room, with two plates. He made us pancakes.
"Connor, do you care about me?"
"Troye! Ofcourse I do! How is that even a question! You helped me so much the last few days and I couldn't be more thankful. You're amazing."
"In that case, I'll stay alive. Stay alive, for you."
•
Our testweek was coming up, so Connor and I learned together every day. Mom and dad were home already. I didn't tell them about my 'walk'. I know Connor wants me to, but I don't want to tell them, I don't want them to be worried. I don't want them to have to pay money for my problems. I don't need all that either. I'm healthy. Connor says I have to tell them, because it might happen again.
Since the day Connor and I kissed, we didn't kiss again. If we touch, it gets a bit awkward. I guess we'll just be friends.
He still takes pictures from my tree. He posts them on Instagram too, sometimes with beautiful captions, sometimes without caption, but sometimes those captions make me worried.
He seems depressed sometimes.
Maybe, it's because he's gay. I don't mean that being gay makes you depressed, but... It's hard, you know. People judge you, people are rude. Maybe his parents aren't okay with it, maybe he's afraid to be in love with the person he loves the most. I've had nights in wich I couldn't sleep, wich made me sad too.
I want him to be happy.
But I have problems too. I don't want to admit it, but I do. I have serious problems. But nobody knows it. And nobody can. Those are my problems, my secrets. I'm depressed about them.
Maybe both Connor and I are blue.
Two blue human.
A/N I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL SCHOOL'S FAULT. I'M MEETING AN INTERNET FRIEND TOMORROW AND I'M EXTREMELY EXITED :')
