The Scratched Diamond Diaries

Chapter Two-Getting Nowhere

Sitting on the firm, scratchy linen of my hospital bed, while arguing with both my mom and the head doctor, is far from the way I imagined this day going. The reason I am back this hospital that has become so familiar, is because I woke up two days ago suicidal, with fear, from an episode. My mom and I decided a while back that the generic term "night mare" was not an adequate descriptor of the sheer terror and damage the dreams bring on. Episode is the correct word, keeping the idea impersonal and clear-cut to avoid provoking any memory that could bring on another one.  It has been nearly three and a half years since the incident and I have spent several of the hours of my most recent stay in the hospital thinking up a way to spring this plan on my mom. I should know that when I announced my elaborate idea, her overly protective side would come out, intensified by the fact that I am her only child and she is a single mom, and what with the recent events I knew she would be hard to get around. I have this idea that was nagging me ever since the doctor explained, to the best of his ability, what my strange problem was. There is literally a hole in my brain, a spot that cannot function anymore, as if it was wiped of all memory. My plan is to try and revisit places that could spark my memory in hopes of stirring up some thought in that dulled part of my brain. The truth is, even though I have gotten used to life in this boring, dull hospital there is the underlying pit in my stomach that I am not safe. That there is some crucial concept that I cannot recall. I want to go back to the alley where they found me, lying bloody and unconscious, in the hopes of stopping my episodes once and for all. Of course my mom fears that the seeing the alley will make me go completely mental, but really is there anywhere but up from here? Ugh, life as “The Scratched Diamond” the cheesy title of a book that the nurse gave me 3 years ago, when I first woke up from my coma, about how life was not ruined from my brain loss. Really lady, get a grip. My situation is far from the pretty, shining radiance of a diamond no matter how scratched it is...