I let us sit in complete silence. but I still knew we loved each other. hopefully. but how could we tell anyone else? we couldn't. we can't.
"Josh...?" I choked as the words as they spilled out my mouth.
"ye-yeah...Ty?" he sounded so nervous.
"do you still love me?" I say as I'm regretting every word that spills out of my mouth.
"of course. why would you question that?"
we sat in a room so empty yet so full of silence we could barely breathe.
"I should get going. you know. Jenna and all." I really don't want to leave. but I told Jenna I would be back from 'work' by 9 to take care of Oliver.
oh how could I tell Jenna I love Josh. I shouldn't but I can't keep this secret burning inside me like all the fire that my heart fills with when I'm with him.
I grab my keys and jacket and walk out the door into the cold air nipping at my exposed face.
he has me feeling some sort of way. I can't just leave Oliver. Jenna? yes I could because I don't feel anything anymore. not that I never felt anything it just. ah complicated. but I can't leave her with Oliver because I fell in love with my best friend, my band mate, my lover. he says he loves me but is that just cause I give him what he wants? I don't know. this has been going on for too long. this feeling. I shut my car door to get out of the freezing cold weather and I start my car. all I want to do is tell Jenna and have her understand but I can't. I slam my hands against the steering wheel as if a slight peek into my anger will help anything. this is a fire I have been tending for too long. trying to keep it under control. but I can't control what now is a bonfire of love.
~
I'm home now and all I want to do is be with Josh. but I'm greeted by Jenna who I can barely look at anymore because I feel so guilty. Josh tells me I shouldn't feel guilty but that won't stop me from blaming myself for what I've done. but I can't help falling in love with him. Jenna made me a beautiful dinner, she only makes me my favorite meal when she wants to tell me something. last time she made me her homemade Mac-and Cheese she told me she was pregnant. so what could it be this time...
"so...um...how was your day at work?" she sounds chippy so hopefully the news is good. or at least better than I can imagine.
"I mean it was work but I made the most of it." she doesn't know I get off of work/band practice at 8 but I tell her 9 so I can spend time with Josh without it being practice.
"so what's the news?" I continue so we can get straight to the point.
"um...well...I talked to Mike today. he wanted to talk to you but I told him you were practicing at Josh's house so we just kinda...talked."
"oh! is he doing good?" I know that's not all she wants to talk about there is more behind her eyes that I can read. but I manage to shove this delicious dinner into my mouth which has kissed her...and the boy I love.
"well. he just kinda talked about how he misses you guys and how he wanted to let me and you know that he still loves us and...um" she takes a gulp of doubt. "he says he thinks you're falling into bad habits again."
I can't believe this. is she buying it? what else did he say? I'm trying to keep my wrath of anger under my skin but all I want to do is tell her about Josh. it's not that i'm falling into bad habits it's that I don't want to keep this secret from her anymore. my soul is on fire and I can't seem to put out the flame.
"what would make him think that?" I say trying to coax her to tell me.
"well...he said you talk to Josh about everything and it made me wonder why you don't talk to me anymore since Oliver was born." wow. she's really not holding back.
"just because I talk to Josh, the person I'm with all the time who I love." oh god... "that doesn't mean I don't talk to you and the baby. yes I am very busy but why do you have to jump down my throat like that." I hope she took the 'love' thing as friendship love.
