Dear Diary

Chapter 3

12.26.2008

2am

Okay. I'm in the bathroom again cause everyone is so loud in the living room it's unbelievable. I can't believe people haven't already called the cops on us.

I'm having a really good time for Christmas again, family members I haven't seen in awhile are staying for a few days. My grandma yelled at me for hugging her too hard. I will never understand her.

Anyway, yesterday Andy and I went for a coffee in a place I had never been to (their espresso is indeed disgusting but I tried to keep a straight face in front of him since he suggested the place). That was...awkward. At least at first. But not 'usual' awkward, more like 'shy' awkward which I didn't know I could be that intensely. My mouth was literally shut the first 5 minutes and I watched him struggle to stop the conversation from fading. I can't lie, I was just looking like an idiot the entire time. I don't know what kind of entity took over my body but I felt frozen. He was talking about his holidays and asked me all those questions about mine. I gave short answers and after looking at me for awhile – which, boy, don't do that – he said something and I suddenly vomited a question. Like, I didn't control it one bit. I asked him why he really wanted to see me outside of the "work space". He froze and laughed, and I felt so bad cause it could have been interpreted in such a mean way. But he just slowly looked up again and told me something along the lines of "I just think you're a very cool person, and I'd like to know you better". Or did he say "cute"? My mind is blurred.

By the way, I forgot to describe him. So he's tall, me tall (and I'm like 6'3), blue eyes, blondish hair, quite thin but not me thin (cause I'm on the brink of dying according to my grandma who wants to feed me 15 times a day), with a very low kind of voice which really contrasts with the way he looks, I don't know, that's intense. That may be why I'm so weird around him: he impresses me. Not a lot of people do.

Literally drunk Yasmine banging on the door right now. She says she needs to pee real bad, I might stay in there a couple more minutes then.

Yes, I'm a bad brother.

M-

12.31.2008

3pm

Nothing noticeable happened the last few days. Just enjoying the presence of everyone, visiting good old London under the snow (that quickly transforms into disgusting mud but oh well) and drinking hot wine for the first time in my life, believe it or not. I don't know if I love or hate the taste of it.

I just came back from a walk in Kensington Park and one of my curls is actually frozen. I'm not kidding, it won't move (until it gets warmer, hopefully).

My mum is all over me these days. She won't stop kissing me and hugging me every time she sees me. The massage session I offered her along with the kids-like DIYs and the mug 'mum of the year' probably helped, though. Yes, I'm 25, don't ask.

Tonight is New Years eve, and I'm gonna spend it with my band, friends of my band, a few old friends of mine and I invited Andy and one of his friends as well. I'm having the party at my place after going in a bar (which one is still a mystery though). I'm about to go cause my flat is not necessarily very organized at the moment and I can't think about being a host that sucks. I have nightmares about it, no joke.

7pm

They're about to come. Hold on, somebody's at the door.

Awkard, that's Andy.

M-

01.01.2009

2pm

My head. Holy Jesus I got so drunk what even happened.

Okay I remember. So. Err. I think I kissed everyone. I think I'm a slut. For real, I'm laughing right now but I kissed about 6 people, out of dares or just out of nothing. OH MY GOD I KISSED ANDY. I just saw I got a message from him saying he's having a hangover from hell (I relate) and he enjoyed the evening quote 'very much'. What is that supposed to mean? (I know what it's supposed to mean I'm just acting like one of those fools on TV who pretend they're the last one to get the situation, I'm no fool, I'm just trying to avoid the answer).

I hope with all my heart the fan I accidentally bumped into at the bar yesterday won't repeat the nonsense I told her cause I'm in deep deep shit otherwise. I tend to get a bit too confident when buzzed, I should know better. Not that I don't trust my fans but I have limits (and so do they).

4pm

I'm still in bed, drenched in my sweat, and that's disgusting. I'm gonna go take a shower and drink the whole water of London so I can survive.

5pm

I still haven't taken my shower because I just got on the phone with Andy. We spoke about how bad we were feeling before the conversation went everywhere (i'm talking; animals, society, habits we have, past issues and so on). That was fun, he's really smart and quite a deep guy too, it's cool to talk to him.

Anyway, shower time is greatly needed.

6:30pm

I took a shower from heaven. God my notes are bs today, but nothing is happening apart from my hungover face trying to sort itself out.

M-

01.03.2009

6pm

I said goodbye to quite a lot of people. Okay where do I start.

I'm in the plane to Los Angeles right now. Because singer problems 101: I need to fix my album. Long story short, most of it is done but some problems occurred (how fun would that be if nothing went wrong) and I'm tired of skype sessions. Might as well just go check things out. That's the downside of this job, you're never really working, but you're never really resting either. My mum was pissed (honestly I wasn't, I see her all the time, it's also cool to be alone from time to time), and my grandma asked me why I needed to move again. I think she hasn't grabbed the fact I'm a 'real' singer now. That's cute, although slightly annoying.

Now... I saw Andy yesterday. And today, before I left. He wanted to help with my luggage (although I honestly don't need any help, I'm not leaving for a month). I just think it was all part of his plan so he could 'unfortunately' brush his hand on mine and warm me up whenever I felt cold. He's cute. He really is. Oh yeah, diary, forgot to precise but I might like men a lot, you know. Not that it's surprising news, probably (I mean who dresses like me in life? Have you seen Robbie Williams wear my neon pants? Don't think so). I'm joking about it now, cause I learnt how to deal with that, but it's quite an issue. No one knows in my family yet, although I doubt my mum and sisters aren't aware already. Still trying to figure things out, but all I can say is when Andy left, the urge to hold him back was huge.

M-