Dear Diary

Chapter 4

01.10.2009

7pm

I came back. Andy was there to welcome me back. There was fans at the airport, unfortunately, cause I definitely missed him a bit too much and wanted to do more than just say "hi".

01.20.2009

4am

Just spent the night outside in a park with him. I hate to say it, but I think...I think I.

My heart is beating fast. Held hands. Didn't dare anything, but he did. I can still feel his lips on mine.

01.22.2009

10pm

I can't help thinking about him. I'm way too obsessed. I can't talk about anything else. I think we're dating now. My heart aches weirdly.

Album's fine. Ah, I can't get my thoughts to focus on anything but Andy, I'm not used to be so cheesy, God.

11pm

I love him. There, I fucking said it. Proud much Mika? Fuck...

03.17.2009

Sometime in the middle of the night

I couldn't write in here anymore. Something prevented me from doing so. I felt almost guilty for forgetting about it and it wasn't worth it.

My life's pace is too slow for me. Not much is really happening currently – some few events aside. Quite frankly, I feel really bad. Not because of my career, but because I'm fucking in love. Quite paradoxical huh? Not for me. I can't love properly. I either fall deep down into hardcore...obsession, or nothing at all, it seems. I hate being like this. I didn't know it could be possible for a simple body and soul to carry the weight of such strong feelings. I can't believe a tear is rolling down my cheek right now, but it's too much. I miss him constantly. I'm searching high and low in the night an answer but I can't find a single solution. Okay, I'm not only sad because I love him (cause still, it would be weird, even for me) but we had our first real fight yesterday. I'm scared of losing him. I'm cold, I'm shivering. Perhaps I'm sick too, I don't really know. I did just have a walk wearing nothing but a thin vest and it's freezing. I don't know anything, I'm constantly wondering way too many things. I want him happy, and me happy with him. I don't want him to run away from me the way some did in the past. I can't think about his deep shiny eyes turning away from me forever. I'm selfish. Love is all about selfishness, you just want a person because that person makes you feel good. That's life's fuck you, pretending you can be happy on your own but you need somebody to help you... I'm losing my mind. He's far, that's all I know. He's in Greece now, and he left angry at me. I called him about 17 times like a mad man and realised how much of an idiot I was, so I wrote a letter telling him, well, many things. Hopefully it changes something. It's only been nearly 3 months, it's too soon...Why am I talking as if we had just broken up, I need to calm down. I'm all over the place in my flat right now. It's messy here, just like it is in my head. I look like a zombie, and not the cool (I guess) ones from movies. I just look like a guy who can't figure out his life. I hate being in that state, because when you look at it, my life is good. Sure I have some problems, just like everybody but what about those who really suffer? What about those people who maybe just lost their mum or got seriously injured because some dickhead broke into their home? What about people dying from hunger in poor countries? And yet here I am writing like a dick my so called self-entitled important emotions. I feel a bit disgusted. Cause what I just said is as true as it is unreasonable to think that way. And now I'm struggling to keep my tears from falling. I hate crying, I feel weak, I feel the way I used to feel when I was a child and I don't want those feelings to ever come back. I moved on, I've grown up, I should only move forward in life and not stay stuck into some ridiculous vicious circle.

Anyway. Point is. I love Andy. I really do. I've never felt that way for anybody before. And it's frightening, not knowing what to do and what to say. There's nothing I can add really, as none of my words will make a difference anyway. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. If I cry anymore, my tears will make me disappear for good. I never thought I'd say those words.

I just hope to God you listen there somewhere, Andy, and understand you're not just a guy. You're mine. And I want you mine forever.

... Good night, sorrow...

M-