Christmases When You Were Mine

Please take down the mistletoe

Cause I don't wanna think about that right now

I was shocked to see a mistletoe hanging at the faculty room's door. Seeing it reminded me of him, his touch, his smile that never fails to make my heart beat faster. It's been a week since I last saw him. It's been a week since he broke up with me. He didn't tell me why, but he just told me he wanted to separate. I was dumfounded, my feet was stuck on the ground. I hadn't done anything. Tears were streaming down my face as I watch him walk away. How I wished that he would turn around and take everything that he had said. That he would turn around and run to hug me. But he never did. He didn't even dare to look at me at the time we once met. It's like he didn't see me. He ignored me like I was extinct. Like we have never met. 

Season's greetings, hope you're well

Well I'm doing alright

If you were wondering

 

I've survived the week, telling myself I was fine. Everything is okay. Everyone seems to be in place except him of course. I've heard that he's in London. To spend the holidays? He's friends aren't sure either. He seemed to be enjoying himself.  "Ga Eul-shi do you think my plan would succeed?" a male voice broke my train of thoughts. I looked around and saw that my feet had done a good job in bringing me on my table. "Huh?" I meekly said it was Young Jae my co-teacher. "I placed that mistletoe so that I could find a way to kiss Chun Hei. You see we haven't really had a real kiss since it was really us." He explained. I managed a weak smile. "I hope so" was my short reply, not wanting to comment further. It made me think of him. It made me think if he was struggling like I was to move on. I nodded my head and concentrated on arranging my things. I don't want him to think I'm jealous of them. I wouldn't like to offend him. He was a friend and so is Chun Hei. I excused myself and walked out of the building and hailed a cab luckily I immediately caught one. He used to fetch me every afternoon. I tried to shrug the thoughts off, he's not here anymore. I shouldn't think of him. I should hate him, but what can I do he's got me wrapped up on his fingers.

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time

But there were Christmases when you were mine

 

I turned the knob as soon as I successfully unlocked it with my keys. I placed my things on the kitchen counter and brought out a pitcher of cold water. I took a glass and poured some water in. I held the glass and had a gulp. I stopped in my tracks as the Christmas tree caught my eye. I felt stupid; some people would feel joy when they see a Christmas tree. But all I felt was anger and sadness. He helped me put it up just like he did last year. Last year was all laughs, hugs and kisses. It's ironically different this year, it happened in the same day. After we had put up the tree, he broke my heart. Tears were now silently streaming down my face. Why? Why hadn't he told me any reason? If he had told me why, then it could have been easy letting go. I tried to think of happy things, this was a happy season after all. But being happy without him would be hard to achieve. I loved him so much but sadly he didn't reciprocate the feeling. I sank through my knees as more memories of him flashed back. How I wished I could go back to time. Christmas last year was the best I had. And having him by my side was what made it the best.

I've been doing fine without you, really

Up until the nights got cold . . .

Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

I'm okay, I tried to convince myself. Her thoughts never left my mind though. Never in my life did I think that I would wish to become a commoner. Why does it have to be this hard? There wasn't a day that I hadn't longed for her. These days I slept too late, the winter season made United Kingdom cold. But who was I kidding; it was her that was keeping me awake. Thinking of the look of hurt that I saw on her face, the tears streaming down her face. But I had to do it; it would hurt her more if she stayed with me. I hadn't been out of his apartment since the moment I closed the door. I'm afraid that I would see her face in every girl I would pass. That I would think of jumping off a building after seeing a happy couple. It's a good thing I moved here, forgetting her would be easy here. At least I won't be tempted to drive to her house and take back everything that I had said. It's for the best. I'm doing this to protect her. I massaged the bridge of my nose, avoiding her was hard. Walking away was harder. But it was for the best, I told myself. My phone rang. I looked at the receiver and saw that it was mom. She is a life saver. She was the one who suggested I move here. She migrated here after she and dad had the divorce. "Hey Mom, what's up?" I said trying to sound as though I wasn't breaking apart inside. "How are you?" she asked. I hate this characteristic of Mom. You can never lie to her about how you're feeling. "Trying to be fine" I decided not lie. It's useless anyway. "Oh honey, I'm sorry. You'll move on soon." I hoped too. I hope that it's easy to implement it, as easy as you say it. But right now I'm having a hard time. "Are you coming? I've heard you haven't been out." she asked. I know she's worried about me. I guess it's time I got out. "Don't worry Mom, I'll be there. I promise."

Merry Christmas everybody

That'll have to be something I just say this year. . .

When you were putting up the lights this year

Did you notice one less pair of hands

 

I moved down the ladder, I just finished putting the lights. Why does everything remind me of her? The lights, the trees, especially the stars. I helped her to put one on top of the tree. I mentally smacked myself. ‘You're thinking of her again' I thought. "Yi Jung, look at you" a gasp behind me made me turn. "Hi Auntie, Merry Christmas! How's Paris?" I greeted forcing a happy smile. "So the whole Hyeon clan(It's his mother's family) has moved in Europe. Paris is very fine" she answered, at least she has this Christmas spirit everyone seems to have. My Mom was again, a life saver and interrupted the uncomfortable conversation. I slipped out and sat on the front porch steps. I didn't want to get inside anymore. I don't want to crash the party. "So what's her name?" I looked up to see my cousin Nikki. She sat beside me, I've noticed the few changes that are visible. "So what happen to the ponytail and cap style?" I asked trying to change the subject. I knew where this conversation is leading. "Mom didn't like it, and of course forced me to change it." she answered after having a spoonful of ice cream. I silently rejoiced for I have redirected the subject. "Do you have plans on cutting on sweets?" I asked, she's 16 and she still has this sweet tooth that normally kids posses. "Mom does but I don't. She placed me on sugar diet." she answered eyes still glued on the said sweet. "I can see you've stuck on the diet?" I said with a reprimanding tone. "She'll never know unless you tell her." she answered with a brow arched with a matching mischievous smile. The next few minutes was filled with silence as she savoured the sweet. "So why did you break up with her?" she asked. I let out a sad sigh, here we go again. "How come you know?" I asked; I just wanted to know how she knew. She was born in Paris and she's never stepped in Korean soil, so she wouldn't have any chance to hear the news. Plus, the only person that knew about this was Mom. And trust me she's not the person that'll go around telling people something private. "Do you plan on answering any of my questions?" she asked; irritation thick in her voice. "I'll answer yours if you answer mine." I answered she was my cousin after all. "Fine" she answered in defeat and placed the ice cream's container aside. "I'm your favorite cousin remember?" she said with full confidence. But as she turned her head on my direction I saw a sad expression. "So I can see it in your eyes. I see guilt, regret and sadness." a sad smile was plastered on her face. "It was my father." I explained, she deserved an answer anyway. "Why? He didn't like her?" she asked with meeting brows. "He likes her in a way that's too much for my liking. He lusts over her." it feels good to let it out, I didn't know I'd be glad she asked. "Does she lust over him too?" that question caught me off guard. "No, but I think it's safer if we separate ways." I answered my head bowed down. "Well she's safe now." she commented sarcastically. "His lust thickens every time he and Ga Eul's paths cross. Without me there's no chance for them to meet. Look, I'm afraid he'd use his advantages against her. I wouldn't want her violated. We haven't even done it ourselves. And I know it's very important for her." I bursted out trying to control my volume. I wouldn't want to shout at my cousin. "She has a nice name. But wouldn't it be easier if you just avoid him." she suggested. "I thought of that too, but I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I heard his planning to arrange my marriage. Being caught up in that would be too much pain for her." she's in pain right now but it would be much hurtful if that was the situation. "She really took your heart. What are you planning to do now?" Nikki asked concern visible on her face. "Try and move on" she stood up and looked down on me "Good luck with that." she answered while turning around walking straight to the door. Do I really look that hopeless? "And Yi Jung please don't tell mom I ate ice cream. And yes you do look that hopeless." she answered as though reading my mind. I had my head bowed down. ‘Merry Christmas Ga Eul'

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time

But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight

Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

You were mine