Exactly 23 days

Chapter 4: Cheeky bidders

As the days passed her by, within her routine of dog walking, gym sessions, coffee o'clock dates and the occasional shopping trip for treats, Fi tried to reintroduce some of her hobbies and passions back into her life as part of her recovery process. She began looking for inspiration for her next decor project, which was to be her son's bedroom. She was aware that although she was enthusiastic to start this major project, she was also saddened at yet another potential 'loss' in her life. That had been Calum's room for 15 years since she bought the house and the prospect of claiming the space for a different purpose was quite a wrench to contemplate. It was not only a reminder that she was emptying the nest, by having lost her children on their own life journeys but she was re-feathering the nest too, which meant getting rid of the remains of his presence in the room and that added to her sense of sadness. Still, she felt that if she was to move on in her head and her heart, she must also move on and revamp her surroundings too, therefore overhauling all aspects of her life.

After giving it some thought, Fi decided she would be reclaiming the space for her true passion, writing! Within her role in the Criminal Justice Service, Fi was the author of hundreds of pieces of work from that period in her life but recently, she had come to realise that since medically retiring from work two years ago, she had missed this almost lifelong passion so much. It also hit her with such a stark realisation (as she planned her new space in her head), that she had somehow lost her way along this particular leg of the journey of her life and she no longer knew what her purpose was. Her 'only' purpose in life after she retired, seemed to have evolved into that of being a devoted wife and care giver to the unappreciative masses but that role had been snatched from her now and she reminded herself again, that she was so glad that her marriage was finally over. As she stood in her son's room, she recognised how much of a mess her marriage really was, how unhappy she was, how much of her life had been wasted on Robert and his family and how much she despised him. She smiled to herself and in her mind she raised an imaginary glass to Dickhead and Trollop, saying, 'Cheers you wankers! You deserve each other. Meeting him was a mistake, a huge mistake!' She was filled with hatred for them both and despised these inevitable intrusions into her inner peace but also accepting that they were necessary aspects of the long haul to healing a deep and troublesome wound. At this moment she was okay with her hatred and the fact that she had no room whatsoever for forgiveness.

Fi made herself an herbal tea and opened her laptop and set about searching for ideas for the creation of a mood board for her writing room. She researched fabric swatches, paint colours, accessories, textures and furnishing options to bring the theme together. This was the first part of her redesign project and she was delighted with her eventual final choices as she set about ordering samples and swatches online. Fi then contacted her builder for quotes for ripping out the old built in furniture, re-plastering the walls and building her a new desk. She also got quotes from an electrician to redirect electrics for her lighting, computing, printing and internet needs, a decorator for decorating, a plumber for plumbing in a stylish new radiator and a final quote from a local blind company. When she had negotiated the prices with her team, she then set a date for the work to begin early in the new year. She was glad of this new focus and was looking forward to her creative den emerging. Fi was very excited about the prospect of what she might create in this space.

Fi also tried her hobby of reading again, to reignite the embers of her diminished sense of purpose and self-worth but she found it hard to absorb the words and often found herself rereading pages, to concentrate on the subject matter. This was a disappointment to her, as books had always been a huge source of pleasure in her life. She even tried audio books, but that too proved difficult and so she shelved the books both metaphorically and in reality, until she was ready.