Bad Enough for You (BoyxBoy)

Bad 10

“Good right,” Jeremy giggles as Tyler breathes out the smoke from the joint that Jeremy’s holding lightly in front of Tyler’s lips. Tyler smiles and it doesn’t seem too wide for this “bad boy” he’s become.

“Very good,” Tyler sighs as he leans back on his elbows. They’re far enough from the party that the music is just a gentle hum in the background and everyone’s laughter is merely white noise to their ears. Jeremy’s toes are digging into the sand from where he’s kicked off his shoes, as he leans back on one hand next to Tyler, bringing the joint to his own lips this time.

“Yeah my friends love it; they’ve affectionately started calling it polka dot pot because I was wearing polka dot boxers the day I made it.” Jeremy laughs at this like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard while Tyler finds himself having a hard time comprehending that sentence. There was just so much, too much for him to wrap his head around. First he’s talking about the friends that Tyler is ridiculously jealous of because they get to spend time with Jeremy, no questions asked, then he’s on to underwear and that is definitely not a safe place for Tyler’s mind to wander…oh and the day he made it, made this particular blend…of pot…so he’s a Cannabis connoisseur, no biggie.

He doesn’t answer, doesn’t know how to.                                                                               

They continue to pass the joint back and forth till there is nothing left and Jeremy is busy rolling up another for them to share and the fact that they’re sharing is almost too much, that his mouth is wrapping around something that has just been between Jeremy’s perfect pouty lip does nearly painful things to Tyler’s insides.

They are half way through their 3rd roll-up when Jeremy procures a bag with a bottle of top notch whiskey (something that Tyler would expect to find in the liquor cabinet in his father’s office,) and offering it over to Tyler. He takes a few sips and it’s some of the best stuff he’s had in a long time, maybe even better than the stuff his father keeps under lock and key.

Between the pot and the whiskey Tyler feels loose and hazy and happy and apparently Jeremy does too because he’s got this silly smile on his face and his eyes are shining much more than they normally do. Tyler begins to wonder if those few gulps of whiskey he just watched Jeremy take were the first bits of alcohol he’s consumed. The younger boy looks much more relaxed than he should be or at least more so than Tyler expected him to be. It’s very possible that he had a few beers before Tyler arrived to help himself ease up a little bit.

The more Tyler thinks on it though the more he wishes he hadn’t because the more he becomes sure of the fact that Jeremy is indeed drunk, (or tipsy but he’s inebriated on some level that’s for sure.) It upsets Tyler in way it shouldn’t because he has absolutely no room to judge Jeremy’s behavior when Tyler has been anyone but himself these last few weeks. If Jeremy’s drunk it really only means he was having a good time at the party and that’s not something Tyler can be upset with him for. Jeremy was really only letting himself have a good time because he believed Tyler wouldn’t show up, so he didn’t hold out hope and just enjoyed the party without letting Tyler be a hindrance on his fun. Tyler should be happy that Jeremy could do that but it does bother Tyler (to no end it bothers him,) that they are finally having a real, honest to goodness interaction and Jeremy is anything but sober. They could finally be making some headway in their relationship and Jeremy isn’t of sound mind, and he certainly won’t be able to remember any progress they may make come tomorrow.

Tyler takes a moment to stare into Jeremy’s mesmerizing brown eyes that are clouded with that telltale haze of alcohol intoxication and his smile is very clearly drug induced, that hurts but he really can’t blame him. The thing that stings though is that this feels like Jeremy handing Tyler’s behavior right back to him. This isn’t Jeremy…and it hurts because this is the most real Tyler has been in weeks, this is Tyler, granted he wouldn’t generally wear these clothes but still it’s him and he’s here while Jeremy isn’t, not in the way Tyler wants him to be, needs him to be.

It all seems to piece itself together after he comes to this conclusion. Jeremy was able to be so confident and flirty because he had a good dose of liquid courage pumping through his veins, the 3 joints they smoked together didn’t hurt either but still. Tyler could go all out with the wooing but what good would it do really when Jeremy would be too hung-over and groggy to remember any detail, big or small when he wakes up tomorrow.

He decides to stop thinking about it because he he’s beginning to feel like he’s suffocating and he can’t deal with this, not now. It feels like 3 steps backwards and again like all the work he’s done has been for nothing.

Tyler sits up on his hands and Jeremy looks over a little stunned by the sudden movement but he relaxes back into that sated smile that Tyler’s starting to resent (and he hates that.) He’s about to get up, excuse himself when a hand, Jeremy’s hand connects with his chest and is pushing him back down. Suddenly he has an eager brunette on top of him, straddling his waist and it’s simultaneously exactly and not at all what he wants. It’s wrong, all wrong; he hates it, hates all of this, and hates himself.

Jeremy smiles mischievously down at him, eyes glinting with something Tyler doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to know under these circumstances, not like this. There are lips (oh shit those lips,) on his neck working in the exact way Tyler knew he would but it’s not right. He thinks briefly how completely effortless, how utterly simple it would be to give himself over to this and to Jeremy and let himself have this moment because he wants it but he knows he can’t and by some strange power he’s able to push Jeremy off.

He can hardly stomach the disgruntled and offended look Jeremy throws him as he stands up, dusts his clothes off leaving his love slumped over on the rocky shore of the lake.

“What’s wrong,” Jeremy slurs, the alcohol is clearing working. He’s already up on his knees crawling over to Tyler slowly, (Tyler needs more than his two hands to count how many wet dreams he’s had that start or lead to this scene right here,) and it takes every ounce of will power to take that step back and away from the other.

Jeremy clearly senses Tyler hesitation now and his eyes begin to mist over, he better not cry, Tyler thinks but he knows somewhere inside him that Jeremy is totally going to cry. “You don’t want me?” And Christ, why did he have to be so damn sweet looking, he’s looks so broken and vulnerable and Tyler’s sure there has never been a more cruel and sadistic form of torture than what he’s enduring right here, right now. Tyler wants him, fucking hell does he want him, he just doesn’t want him like this, he can’t want him like this.

“No, no it’s not that it’s just…Jesus-” Tyler huffs and doesn’t really know what to say to make this sound okay, make this better. “I just can’t do this, not here, not now, not like this!” There’s a heavy desperation in his voice that Tyler really can’t be arsed to care about.

“Please…please, I’m sorry I just…I can’t, I’m sorry.”

There’s a completely wrecked sob from behind him that breaks Tyler’s heart in two as he walks away but somewhere inside of him he knows that this was the right thing to do. This isn’t how they should start; isn’t how it’s supposed to happen for them. So yeah he knows somewhere inside of him this is the right thing to do he just isn’t sure where that “somewhere” is.