Lost

Cancer, It's a Bitch

It was late last summer, the hospital had lost power for a couple of days, due to a thunderstorm that resulted in a tree pressing itself again the power lines and snapping them in half. The lights had been fixed over the last couple of days, the AC being the only thing that hadn't been working yet, so as we sat in group therapy, with the beaming lights of sun shinning through, I switched from leg to leg, trying not to let my thighs stick to the chair as small sweat droplets fell down them.

" Camryn, you've been awfully quiet, do you have anything you want to share with the group?"

I felt the eyes of the other five member in the room turn towards me, on any given day I would've felt my anxiety rising, my heart beating out of my chest, ready to explode and tears threatening to fall.

I was so caught up in wanting to leave the heat stricken room, and back to my bathroom where I would lie on the cold tile and beg to die. I knew if I didn't talk, we would sit there till the meeting couldn't go on any longer, I couldn't handle sitting in a room, full of my friends, waiting for me to say I wanted to die.

I spoke out, my voice cracking from it not being in use all day, the only use it had that morning was in a string of yes' and okays.

"Today was better, " I stated, knowing it was a lie, knowing that no matter the day, or hour of that day, my mind had been made up. I didn't want trials, I didn't need them. I wanted to lay in bed, with my sick ridden body. I wanted to be left alone, no more needles, no more chemo.

"I stopped getting side effects, I guess thats a plus." I looked down, wiping the sweat from my hands onto my shorts. Derek, our counselor, looked up from his clip board, as he wiped the sweat off his forehead and told us we were finished for the day.

"Hey Camryn, wait up" I turned to find Melanie chasing after me, coughing as she finally caught up to me, soon stopping in her tracks. I saw the blood in the tissue she was carrying, but she tried her hardest to hide it before I could comment on it.

We had been friends since I first arrived to Jensdale, it was an instant connection. She had shown me around, told me who to watch out for, because even though we all happened to be sick, status quo was not an exemption of being intoxicated with cancer.

"Hey Mel" I said with ease, trying not to let the worry slip out with my words.

"something up?"  I saw her look down at the tissue she had curled up in her hand and reached up to touch her nose. She was worried, you could tell just by the look on her face.

Melanie had the biggest smile you could possibly see on a cancer patient, she never gave up, even on her bad days. She had been stabbed in the chest multiple times in the name of cancer and never once did she flinch. Now for the first time since I laid eyes on her, her smile wasn't real, it wasn't bright. It was taken over by the radiation and chemotherapy, it was denied hope and happiness. She didn't smile with false hope, she smiled with fear of being let down. Her bright eyes now glossed over with fear, the bags under her eyes more prominent than ever, as she stepped close to my face with her hand tighten around the tissue placed in her left. As she took her opposite hand away from her nose, just as the blood started gushing out.

"Get Jen," she pleaded out as she slowly turned to rest against the door behind us, tears beginning to weld up in her eyes, "please."

I couldn't run, I had gone through chemo that morning and knew if I tried I wouldn't make it down the halls without passing out. I knew I couldn't do it, but watching her fighting to hold back tears, seeing her finally at her end, tired of being defeated by leukemia, I ran. I sprinted down the hall as quick as my body would possibly let me go.

"Camryn slow down, are you okay? Let me get you a wheelchair." I heard as I ran past a hidden room in the hall. Before Dr. Jackson could could check me out to make sure I was okay, I yanked her arm and pulled her towards Melanie.

"Jen..Dr. Jackson, its Melanie, I think she's... I think she's out of remission." I tried to get the words out in a rush, but my words were getting blocked off by my bodies need for oxygen. She let go of me and as soon as I saw her body run down the hall, getting smaller and smaller, I grabbed the wall, my body becoming weaker. As my vision got blurrier and I slipped in and out of consciousness, I heard a voice asking if I needed help.

Her piercing blue eyes stared at me as my eyes traced her face and watched her lips move. I stood not hearing a sound, only staring at how worried her face had looked. The stress was evident on her face, how close she was to breaking down, yet her beauty was undeniable.  You could see every imperfection clearly marked across her face, yet they created a different kind of beauty, one you could never define as beautiful,  because the word would never do her justice. 

I couldn't hear her, I was too focused on her face, and trying to decipher the hidden message behind the smile she gave me when my eyes locked with hers. The last thing I remembered was her cries to open my eyes, as my body fell backwards and everything went dark.