Dream Journal

Oct 7 -- Secrets

*Lately, I've been having different dreams but with the same situation: my SC parents finding out about something terrible I've done online.*

This dream was no exception. Mom held my phone in one hand, going over history I had no idea still existed. "Liz... we need to talk." her voice would say as my heart begins to race. Her face would be full of disapproval and sometimes even sadness. My stepdad's would preserve his poker-face, but his eyes would be full of firmness.

I feel feelings of guilt. Fear. FEAR. FEAR. INTENSE FEAR. spread across me, causing my breath to speed and hyperventilate. 

I didn't want to disappoint you. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I was just so scared of how you guys would react and think of me. I feel terrible about this. I just figured if I never did it again, I could just leave it behind in the past. I'm so sorry. I genuinely planned on telling you. I couldn't. I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry. 

I can't tell which of my jumbled, screaming, crying thoughts are actually spilling out as words to them and which ones are just thoughts that are tripping over each other too much to actually come out of my mouth.

Then I wake up, still shuddering from the fear and guilt. 

I feel the realization pass over me it wasn't real. I'm still safe. I'm still here. Nothing's bad. Nothing is happening. Relief washes over me. 

I collapse back in bed, knowing I'll have to tell them eventually. Someday.

But not today.