Killer of my own self

To be or not to be

College had far ended now and i had almost not recovered from the time i had there. the fun, open jeeps,beer cans ,our gang made me miss my college so much that home looked a jail.Mom still could not figure out why i kept aloof and low. There was not much to do in a city called Jammu where by 7'oclock everybody slept.It was the time when we used to go out to discs while in college.

Two years ago dad had taken the decision to send me to become an Engineer. I have applied for an education loan of seven lacs,Sarla. Isn't that a little too much? .Not really 3.5 lacs is the donation and rest would be whatever we would incur on his hostel & living there etc. I still took a little to figure out what was happening !!

Daddy ...Dad what is it , who is going for Engineering. Its you Nik . Me ..Me i almost got the shock of my life ,dad i don,t want to be one. I don't have a nag of an engineer. Cmon no one has it but you see even narender uncle's son became one. Dad for God sake , i want to be like rishi please,see how cool are those guys, uncle lets them do what they want.

huh!!! and what is rishi doing now Mr. Prime minister? going pillar to post looking for a job after doing some stupid course. Cmon son you have to be an Engineer and that's it, even your Mom wants so. After all once you are one there is gonna be a line of girls for the most-eligible -bachelor in the town. But Dad, cmon !!! Even the twelfth std results are yet not out . Only in my deepest of deep i knew only a divine power could help me manage in getting some pass marks.

It was April first week , anytime the results were about to be declared . Every passing day was making life difficult, very difficult for me. Nik,where are you , You know something i thought the d-day had arrived i could not even lift my feet to reach to mom. Niiiik!!! coming Esha's Mom was telling me in another three-four days your results are gonna be declared. Esha was one of the most brightest students, so her waiting eagerly waiting for the results was not a big deal but what would i explain to Mom ,that she should make herself ready to tolerate her son getting flunked news. Hey, Nik why don't you get some air!! yep, even i was thinking same mom Go meet your friends. vikram met me and was asking about you . o.k . I will come soon.

Soon vikram came after receiving my phone call. hey, brother ,where have you been. So much study is gonna kill you . What vicky, fuck off. You know i haven't studied anything during these exams. My only study was banging that chick...Ruhi.... hahaha Nik how do you manage to make out with these chicks so fast. Talent Buddy!!! i said but all this talent will be screwed once i get flunked and my parents know of this. their plans of making their son an Engineer are gonna come crashing. I am screwed brother. Hey Cmon!!! , chill nothing is gonna happen. Vikram used to work in a local grocery store and had many ideas up his sleeves always. what Chill!!! . Hey Nik try this and all your worries would be gone in a minute . Nik took out a cigarette from his pocket and lighted it.

"Don't act rubbish " !! i don't smoke you know that.

for a minute i thought mom is always right when she says vikram is not a good guy and i should not be with such friends. Do you want to get rid of your tensions or not . yes i do but ahhh... What Nikhil...try this Its Malana heaven . Malaa..what . Leave the name .Try this out i thought what is the harm in trying out a puff. I took it in my two fingers and puffed deep. It had a strange affect .. world seem suddenly amazing or either i was in a different place. when did i ended with the cigarette i didn't knew once i reached home i could not listen to anything . Tensions were no where now i was a Man from a different- happier world now

Now vikram who did not seem a necessity became a habit. I wanted these cigarettes everyday. This was now "Maal" ,I wanted to smoke Maal everyday. hours were spent talking with him. Smoking and joking. When i reached home today Mom's fiery eyes had many questions. "Bring me your admit card once again ,you ba***rd!!! Mom....mo... The d-day had come she had the newspaper in her hand , The state of Jammu and Kashmir results came in newspaper.I had barely managed forty one percent where thirty five percent was passing norm . With such a low percentage i was getting piles of scoldings, expletives but it entered one ear and came out from other.

With such a low percentage , would he be able to complete his engineering!!! My dad, asked my Mom. Don't even say that i will end my life if you don't send him for the course. My brothers children are also engineers.The only good thing my low percentage had brought with it was the question about me " to be or not to be ", an engineer. The last hope lied here, I told Vikram about what happened at home as we smoke the Malana heaven.