My Secret Diary

him.

Hey loves, its Hailey :) i hope you all are feeling well. i really mean that. i dont want you all to feel terrible. so now imma continue with my story. him.

We all fall in love sometimes right? sometimes we fall in love so deep that we can't get ourselves out of it. that is what happened to me nearly 2 years ago. I met him 2 years ago at my ageage  school. he was so friendly. fast forward abit further, he became my best friend. i was falling for him. we would talk every single day.  we would skype each other. i was literally falling for my best friend.

well, let's name him Eric. so Eric is 2 years older than me. which means hes 18 right now and im 16. he was so caring and everything. he sang love songs to me such as "through the dark" and songs like "strong". these two songs are from one direction. ((disclaimer: im a huge directioner so if a crush sing that kind of songs, i'll die on the point)) until one day, i said i love you to him for the first time. i said "i love you ( but not like that tho!!😳😳) to avoid the awkwardness and his reply was "i love you too in whatever way you think." of course i'll be super happy and shit. i really thought he liked me back. that was in July 2014.

little did i know that he was leading me on. in march 2015, he came out to me as gay. of course i was shocked because i thought he really liked me. this feeling was mixed with Zayn leaving 1D but thats a different story. mixed feelings with zayn leaving and this Eric thing was of course too overwhelming for me. i was shocked. he led me on. he was like "hey i have a boyfriend!".

somehow i was suicidal because of this situation. i recalled that one time i was cutting fruits because i wanted to make juice. But the temptation was strong. i couldn't hold it in any longer. i made a slit on my wrist. yes i know its a dumb thing to do but when you're madly in love, you intend to do stupid things. it was deep but it was enough to make me feel the pain. 

afew days or weeks later, i don't really recall. a group of his friends decided to send audio messages. i  dont really remember what that said but i know they hurt me. i remember they were all laughing including him. i just remember one of them. "i am his boyfriend. what do you want." then they all started laughing. after i heard all the audios i decided to delete his number. to be honest i cried. like how can you let your friends do this to me. how can you lead me on even when you know that you're gonna be different. how. i just want an answer. why. why did you do this to me when you know i was in a fragile state. i cried on my way home. but that was the last time that i will cry because of him because of what he did. honestly. now i sometimes still do cry about him. but its only that i miss him. but its rare for me to cry about him now.

i still miss him tho. really. because he made a huge impact on my life.

until then,

all the love.
-hailey