Darkness Is My Only Friend

Lier Lier Hair on Fire

He shines a bright light in my face, my eyes burn.

"WHY DID YOU FLIP HER TELL ME NOW BITCH". I spit in his face. "Fuck you"

"WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING LLAMA? LIL BITCH". He punches me in the boob.

"OWWW THE PAIN" I wail and flop on the floor like a dead walrus

"I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE" He says in an angry tone.

"Control freak much" I say sassily. He slams his hands on the table.
"I SAID I ASK THE FUCKING QUESTIONS SHUT YOUR TRAP" he yells in my face.

"I hate to burst your bubble but you're a mall cop, pipe down." I say.

"It's better than a being a damn psychopath, dick face"

"Well baby, you dated me. So clearly you like em' crazy." I say while smirking.

"Honey! You forgot your lunch!" Jakes mom walks in suddenly.

"What the hell is this bitch doing here? JAKE I SAID YOU CAN DO BETTER. I SHOULD AVE RUN HER OVER WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE"

"MOM IM AT WORK" he whines.

"Bruh you're a 15 year old mall cop.

"WE ARENT DATING IM INTERROGATING HER AND YOURE RUINING IT!"

"Chill the fuck out and dump this skank" his moms says with an eyes roll.

"Well I'm tHE BEST 15 YEAR OLD MALL COP" he states. I take this as my queue to leave and tried to run out.

Jake, seeing me run, pulls out a beer bottle with a cloth in it, and lights it on fire. He throws it at my head and my hair catches on fire.

"Are YOU INSANE" I bellow at him and jump into the mall fountain gracefully.

My hair goes out and I sigh in relief before I become livid. MY SILK CAPE IS RUINED. From across the mall I see Stacy, holding brand new glittery cape. I really look at Stacy for the first time. And this moment I understand why I keep Stacy around, her purpose. She no longer seemed annoying or ugly. I no longer had the urge to rip off her and feed it to my iguana, Pablo. At this moment, I actually like her. She actually seems like a decent person. I gasp at my own realization that Stacy isn't a fugly bitch. She passes me my cape and as I put it on I feel complete again.

"Stacy! Oh Stacy!" I hug her as she pulls me out of the fountain

"Aurora!" She runs over, a worried expression on her face.

"Yes yes I'm okay. That you so much foe this cape, you really know me".

Not like that bitch Jake, I think

"Um yeah.."

"We should get you a matching one!" I say suddenly

"Yes! Of course!" She smiles, and for the first time, I think it's genuine

"Except yours will actually have colour, to reflex your happy personality that sometimes annoyed me but I'm overall fond of now"

"Now let's take out Jake" I say evilly

Rubbing my hands together, I hiss.

"Uhm but Jake is still a person. He doesn't deserve that. He was just doing what he thought was right"

"BY LIGHTING MY HAIR ON FIRE" "

Stacy looks unimpressed so I add "Pleaseee" starting to remember why I hate her.

"Alright fine, lets take him out. But not like really out. Just mildly out"

"WAHAHAHAH" I cackle. I take her back to my closet at home, to show her my plans for Jake's murder so far.

"Well this is.. Cozy"

"Nothing like murder to make you feel right at home."

"Um how about small injury?" She asked

"BITCH NAH GO BIG OR GO HOME"

"You know what? LETS DO ITTTT"

"We could tie his shoes together" she says menacingly as if she had just suggested something incredibly evil

"Oh child you have so much to learn"

"Oh then PUT A MOUSE TRAP ON HIS DICK"

"Yes, then we can send him TUMBLING INTO A POOL OF LAVA. GET HIM WHILE HES DOWN"

"How will we get him to whip it out?"

"Okay Stacy you are gonna seduce him"

"Bitch how?" She says

"K fine I'll do it I'm hotter anyways"

"Well..." Stacy mumbled

"Ugh fine then bitch, the job's yours"

For the next few hours we decide on an incredibly elaborate plan to seduce Jake.

"I feel like it the plan doesn't have to be this complex" said Stacy

"Shut up Stacy"

She sighs.

"I'm an expert"

"Have you done THIS BEFORE?" She asked

I give her a dark look and she gives in "Fine, fine. We'll do it your way." says Stacy

"Alright let's go over the plan so you don't mess it up." I say "First off, we need to give you a makeover."

"What's wrong with me?" She asks slightly offended

"A coupla double mega push up bras should do"

"My boobs are great" she defended sadly

"Yes but they aren't porn star great"

She sighed but agreed. "Right, what's after the makeover again?" She asks

I decide to write down a list;

1) punch grandma

2) bring him fruit basket

3) got to the mall and help him take down a robber (aurora dressed in black)

4) compliment his manliness

5) befriend his mother

7) ask him to a date at the fitness centre

8 ) send him another fruit basket, but this time just of pears as they are his favourite

9) get a job at the mall so you can see him more regularly

10) comment frequently on the importance of rules

11) ask him out again meet his mom and conveniently already know her and have her like you

12) invite him to your house to watch fitness shows

13) suggestive touching

14) show him your sex dungeon

15) tie him up

16) tickle his pickle

17) pull out the mouse trap

18) screams of pain from the enemy

But of course, being the bitch she is, she objects at the FIRST STEP

"Ok so first off we need to punch a grandma at the mall, cause girl you know he likes them cray crays"

"But I don't wanna hurt a grandma.."

"Right, well suck it up princess"

"Can it at least be a bitchy old lady?"

"Ugh fine. Well now we need to find a bitchy old lady." I say sighing. "We can discuss the rest later, now lets go to VS!!"

And that's the story of when I plotted my first murder.