Falling apart

"I can't do this again... I can't go there again... I can't fall apart again." I mumble to no one but myself as I drop my head into my hands.

'Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!' keeps rolling around in my head as if the sound of the word repeated will somehow distract me from this situation...this fucked up mess....this glorious mess.

But I know it's too late now. Wasn't it you that said "Can't put the genie back in that particular bottle can we".

'Yes... too late, much too late now' I think to myself dragging my hands over my face "Oh honey you are falling apart" I whisper into the air. I draw a deep breath and I stop struggling with the thoughts, the constant onslaught of memories slamming around in my head. And as I sigh the breath out I let them come. I let them flood my mind as a single tear rolls slowly down my cheek.

I know I'm falling apart ...I've been shedding pieces of myself for days now.... and I've been slowly unraveling since you wrecked me and ruined me..... Again.

And now every thought I have has you buried inside it, underlining everything I do. At night I toss and turn feeling you under me and your weight pressing into me from above.

'Fuck you, you're on every inhale. Fuck you Goddamn It' I think sharply to myself. I let my head fall back against the chair, sighing as I whisper aloud "fuck you.... oh fuck me....please fuck me."

My unraveling began as your hands roamed my body, as my breasts finally had the feel of your palms on them, the feel of your fingernails teasing tender nipples..... Finally I no longer had to dream of your mouth, soft lips, tongue and teeth carving up my breasts as you consumed them .....God it takes my breath away just remembering that. The thought of it slays me.

Lays me open.

You laid me back, hovering over me and as we kissed you began to slowly press your pelvis against my thigh, soft and persistent you set a rhythm that was hypnotic. Your cock growing hard against my leg, I was powerless to stop you, but we both knew I didn't really want to.

You wanted me. Just me, as I was, as I am.

I felt everything coming off of you in waves, all your emotions, all your thoughts. I felt the heat of your desire, not just for sexual release but for me.

You wanted me.

I felt us connect; without question and without hesitation. You knew me. We knew each other..... intimately.

We'd been down this road before. And you wanted to know more. And I'd wanted this for so long.....I'd waited for you for so long. I dreamed of this moment when you would come back into my life, when you would find me melting at your touch. It was overwhelming to actually have your skin touch mine, to smell your scent and to taste you...Oh God will I ever get enough of the taste of you, will I ever have a chance to find out.

I could feel the waves of your energy co-mingling with mine, creating something new and beautiful.

Something old and familiar.

Was I breathing? I don't remember. Your kisses were sustaining me and I know you were holding me, because I felt safe. It was easy to trust and feel safe while I was in your arms. But without them..... now I'm shaky and unsure and I weep inside knowing I may never know that feeling again.

And after all these years I finally heard you; I listened as your strong voice whispered to me, telling me how you had thought about this moment, I heard you asking me where I was when I became so silent, but I couldn't answer, all I wanted was to get lost in the sound of your voice. Your voice was carrying me along on a river of words.....your words; I had no words to give you in return, just kisses, soft touches and the gentle grinding of my hips against yours. I hope it was enough.