After dropping Carter off back at the funeral lot, I drove to the nearest park to just sit and meditate for a little while. I needed to calm my mind before heading to the home Jacob and I used to share.
Sitting for what felt like hours, I stood up from the bench and walked back to my car. I passed groups of happy families as they played with each other on the games. One little girl, who looked to be about six, approached me and complimented my hair. She complained about how her daddy only ever gives her a ponytail and wished she could get braids.
I smiled and laughed at the sight of her dad actually doing her long, curly hair. It made me think about having a little girl of my own. Jacob wasn't for me dating other people though. He always provided me with an excuse as to why the guy wasn't the "one" for me and how I deserved better.
Due to his "daddy" behavior, I thought Jacob just never wanted to see me happy with anyone else but him. I think he thought that I'd leave him or some shit. Even though that would've never been the case. Even though he fucking left me. Just as he couldn't live without me, I couldn't live without him.
As I let these unruly thoughts contain me, tears slipped from my eyes once again. I closed and opened my eyes, hoping I could regain clear vision of what's in front of me as I continued my journey back to my car. I stumbled upon a rock before gaining my balance and speed walking to my car.
Once inside, I sat for a second trying to get familiar with the thought and reality of being alone. At this time, Jacob would most likely be in the passenger seat telling me some crazy story of his day just to see me smile. He claimed that me smiling is all he ever wanted to see in the world, so he made me smile multiple times everyday. Even though I believe he lied sometimes in his stories just for my enjoyment. I ain't care though. Story time with Jacob was my favorite moment of my day and I enjoyed every aspect of it.
I put the key into the ignition and started the engine. I pulled out of the parking space and headed in the direction of our home. Now, it is just my home.
I cried on and off during my drive home. I just couldn't stomach the fact that Jacob was really gone and today was the last chance I had to say goodbye. Once I walked across the threshold separating the outside from the cozy warmth of our home, I tried to think of all positive thoughts and the thought that Jacob was in a better place and didn't have to suffer the harsh realities of this world anymore.
As I tried, I saw his sweatshirt hung over the arm of the couch. Every time he'd get home the first thing he'd do was take his work sweatshirt off and throw it on the couch. He hated his job so much but it helped to pay the bills so he continued to suffer everyday for the sake of our comfort of living in an okay neighborhood, safe from harm.
I grabbed the sweatshirt and ran my fingers over the fabric. Of course, the sweatshirt still smelled like Jacob's cologne. The cologne I bought him for his 17th birthday. After that birthday, buying cologne happened to be my tradition to celebrate all of his accomplishments and was my go-to gift for every occasion. He seemed to love it and that made me happy.
See, Jacob was a very non-materialistic person but he did appreciate my tradition of buying him cologne. He didn't exactly see it as a gift, he saw it as a necessity: to receive this corny, traditional gift from me.
I pressed the fabric against my skin and took in all its glory. This was for sure an item I wasn't getting rid of. Jacob's mom wanted to come by and collect all of his things because it will help me cope with my loss. I honestly didn't want to get rid of anything because I feel as though Jacob lives through all of his things. There's a memory and thought associated with every item of his and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows what each is.
My thoughts and involvement of Jacob's sweatshirt was interrupted by someone knocking on the door.
"Who is it?" I called out.
"Bill." I heard our landlord say on the other side of the door.
I put my purse and Jacob's sweatshirt down before opening the door.
"Alana," he said in a condescending tone which made me cringe. "Are you okay?" That question alone makes me want to break down every time someone asks me.
"I'm great." I lied.
"Are you sure?" He asked as he put his arm on my shoulder rubbing over that area slightly.
"I'm fine, Bill. No need to worry," I smiled to mask my feelings.
"I'll give you a free three months, okay? Don't worry about the bills. I can cover in your time of need." He leaned in to give me a hug.
I hugged him back before speaking. "It's okay, Bill. I can manage, thanks though." I declined his offer.
"Alana. I insist. Come on, y'all always paid on time, never gave me any problems, you're basically perfect tenants. Let me do this to show that I appreciate you all."
The way he was saying 'yall' was killing me inside. Jacob isn't here to appreciate your token of appreciation. Your token of appreciation is only happening because he is gone. How is he going to appreciate it?
"No, I'm good. I have some studying to do, so I'll see you later." I lied while smiling as I put my hand on the back of the door to signal that I wanted to close the door now.
"Alana, take care and stay strong." He told me before waving goodbye and leaving.
I closed the door and leaned against it sobbing. I was trying my hardest to stop crying but I just couldn't. This was all unexpected and I couldn't handle it. I continue crying until I slid down the door and laid on the floor. As I was balled up on the floor, I eventually grew tired and fell asleep.
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