Her.

Lisa

   "Where's mummy?"
   I looked down at her sparkling green eyes and see her mother. I knew that she never inherited my looks - thank goodness - but it isn't until right now, at this very moment, that I realise just how much this beautiful little girl looked like her mum.
    It was the green eyes that got me. Brown eyes were beautiful, and there was something positively charming about blue eyes, but when her emerald eyes caught the light, for just one moment, all of the problems in the world were solved.
     I find myself travelling back to when I first met Lisa. It's not everyday a random stranger walks through your front door, getting the wrong house.
    "Well you might as well stay for some tea," I said, dazzled by her beautiful brown locks. I had only heard her panicked apology, but I already I craved her presence. I wanted to know everything about her.
    "But I don't even know you." She was quiet, but her smile was so marvellous it made my heart stop, "for all I know, you could be a serial killer."
    "And for all I know, you could be a burglar, caught in the act!"
    She stayed for a wonderful three hours and I fell in love.
    We were married just seven months later. I wanted to give her everything and more but she wouldn't have it.
    "I don't want a big wedding." So it was small, but beautiful. The best day of my life. Lisa was mine, she loved me and was staying with me, 'til death do us part.
    We had four incredible years together, dancing in the kitchen at 2am to no music, and having water fights in the back garden. We were the biggest kids the world had ever met and we loved it.
    That's when Lily came along. This beautiful little girl clutched my heart so tight, every time I looked at her I thought I would burst. We raised her together in a loving home filled with fun and happiness for six glorious years.
     "Daddy, have you been crying?"
     And with those five words I'm slammed back into reality. How can I possibly answer that? If I say no, I'm lying to her, but if I say yes, she knows something is definitely wrong. I see the worry in her eyes as she looks to me for reassurance.
     I lift her up and cuddle her tight. "Guess who's coming to see you today? Granny Pat!" I'm trying to sound enthusiastic, but I really don't want to have to deal with my mother right now. She never liked Lisa. I don't know how anyone in this world could have taken a dislike to such an incredible human being. She was kind to all, she was an amazing wife, a fantastic mother, there was no reason not to adore her. So what if she couldn't cook? Her burnt roast dinner gave us reason to laugh, and she just brushed it off with a "you can't be good at everything."
     She was always so positive. She found the silver lining in every situation. It was her goal to make everyone around her happy, and she always succeeded. Simply being in her company was enough to brighten anyone's day, and I was lucky enough to be in her company everyday.
    "Daddy, I want you to tell me where mummy is, I made her this picture." Lily reaches into her pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. "It's me, you and mummy."
    I can feel the tears forming and there's a lump in my throat. I dismiss the picture and put her down quickly. Nobody ever prepares you for a moment like this, nobody. A fathers job is to care for his child and do everything in his power to protect her.
   "Lily darling, daddy's got to tell you something and it might make you feel sad, okay? I  just want you to know that you're allowed to get upset, and that daddy is always here." I sense her fear and crouch down to her level. The tears are rolling down my face now, and she soon begins so cry too. "I'm sorry Lily but daddy's done a bad thing, he's got to go away now but he loves you very, very much and will be back soon okay?"
   "Daddy..." She wants to speak but doesn't know what to say, her tears are endless and she becomes a hysterical mess.
   "Hey, hey, listen to me, don't worry okay, Granny Pat is coming remember? Granny Pat is going to come and look after you and everything will be okay, but you need to always remember that daddy loves you, okay? Daddy loves you very much and would never do anything to hurt you."
    Now I've started, I can't seem to stop. My words are running out of my mouth so fast and I realise how tight I'm holding her arms. I let go suddenly and she steps back. My own daughter is scared of me.
    "I want my mummy, I want my mummy." Her screams are unbearably loud.
    "Well you can't have your mummy! You can't have her, not now, not ever! Your mummy wanted to go away, she wanted to take you away from me forever. You wouldn't like that, would you? You wouldn't want to be away from your daddy forever? So daddy made sure she couldn't go away, okay? Is was supposed to just stop her today, so we could talk, all I wanted to do was talk, but now she's gone. Mummy is gone and I can't bring her back. Don't you see, lily, daddy wants mummy back too but she's not coming back because daddy did a bad thing."
   I feel as if we've swapped roles. I'm a withering mess in the corner of the room, and she stands there, tall like her mother. Six. She's six and she's lost both of her parents. Her life will be horrendous with my mum. I've destroyed everyone's lives, but this little girl will do the most suffering.
   When she goes to school again and faces the strange looks from her teachers. When she grows up and the kids around her ask her why she lives with her granny. When Mother's Day arrives and she has to spend it alone. Her wedding day, walking down the aisle without a father to guide her, without a mother to cry those obligatory tears. I've taken everything from a girl I loved so much, only because I wanted her to always be here.