My mind.

My mind is constantly working at a million miles a second.
'Just stop overthinking things' they reckon.
But it's not as easy as that.
I cant just stop.
My mind wont allow it.
I try to stop overthinking everything,
But now my mind is also thinking of how i can stop.
All i do is add to my insanity.

My mind wont let me enjoy great things.
Its like being in prison in my own head, i cant escape no matter how hard i try.

I just want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy life.
I do all the right things to help with Anxiety,
But it just wont go away.

I sit at this picnic table looking out upon a fog filled lake. The sun is slowly creeping out from behind the mountains and its light begins to shine upon the water. The birds are singing beautifully. An old man ready for a fish, puts his boat in the water.
A couple of boys from Aspley are playing basketball. Most the parents are already relaxing by the camp with a drink in their hands.

What am i doing?
I am sitting here wanting to enjoy this so much but i just cant relax. I cant enjoy this beautiful day as much as i should.
Because i am at war with my mind. A battle i am beyond tired.
How can i continue to be happy and smile?

Is it always going to be this difficult?
Ive said it before but I'll say it again.
I feel like i am going through life as if I'm playing it on legendary difficulty.
I want and need people in my life, but my mind keeps pushing them away.
I have fallen so hard for this girl that i actually feel sick.
I am terrorfied my mind will push her away. Shes the most understanding person that I've met in a very long time. She is so strong. I am not one to compare situations and bad upbringings, but after everything she has been put through i am utterly surprised at just how strong and positive she is. She is an inspiration. She is so supportive and all round amazing. Which is why I'm already so afraid to lose her.

The worst part about all that is knowing that if i do lose her, it's probably because i am so afraid of losing her, ironic i know.

I am so afraid of letting people into my life, it normally takes a long time to feel comfortable enough around them.

Fuck off Anxiety! Just let me enjoy life where ever it takes me. Not struggle through the life anxiety has taken me.