Glee Prompts

Deep Thoughts (KURT)

Kurt's POV:
    Emptiness, fatigue, restless sleep, the constant guilt that I have done something wrong stays with me all day. And more after.

    Sure some parts of life are good. I have my friends and my amazing boyfriend.

    But I can't help but feel down and depressed.

    I keep switching from sleeping too much, or not sleeping enough.
    Eating very little, or feeling like I ate too much.
    Being tired all the time and just can't focus on the work I have from school.
   
    It's like I'm either too focused that I lose track of what is going on around me, or I just can't completely focus on anything at all. I can't do my work or enjoy the things I used to love doing anymore, these feelings are setting me back.

    My mind keeps going back to the dark places. Why am I alive? Is there a reason? Would anyone miss me if I was gone?

    Probably not.

    Blaine could easily find someone else, he's so funny, cute, and nice.

    My dad has Carole and Finn, him and Finn have much more in common than we do anyways.

    My friends won't notice the bullying going around, they wouldn't have to put up with me anymore anyways.

    But I want someone to notice that something's changed about me.

    Not for the attention. But for them to help me see happiness again.

    But I want to talk to someone, but I don't want to weigh them down with my problems.

    They say they'll be there for me if I ever want to talk it out. But what if they don't actually mean it? I feel like I annoy them anyways.

    There's been worse nights than others.

    Nights where I just lay in my dark room under the covers of my bed crying and wanting to pick up my phone and text one of my friends or Blaine and just tell them "I'm not okay, and I need someone to talk to. Please can you help me or just talk with me?."

    But then there's the better days where I can enjoy things and actually focus on some things. But then it just all comes back crashing down on me again.

    I never know what to do.

    There's screen tests for depression online.

    It may be stupid but I take them at least 3 times a week.

    They all say I have severe depression because of all the symptoms. But I can't tell anyone I take those quizzes and tests. But I also can't help but feel these truly show what and how I feel.

    How pathetic do I look now? A lot.

    Or at least that's how I feel.

    I don't even want to dress up for school anymore in my extravagant outfits, it seems pointless.

    I don't know if I can see a future for myself anymore.

    It seemed all so clear and reachable a while ago, but now? It just seems like an empty, dark abyss.

    Even if I have my wonderful friends who say they love me for me. I can't help but feel this way. And I don't know what to do anymore.

    There's days when I plan exactly how I could die. And if I ever considered it, I know how and every detail on how to do it.

    I almost did it one day but someone walked in my room and I hid a pill bottle under my pillows.

    I was that close.

    But there's those thoughts that always ask, am I happy? Will I ever be happy again? Will I get the courage to go through with my 'plan' one day? What am I even still doing here?

    I don't know what this means, and if I'll ever feel better again. I wish I could see a future, but I don't know if there can be one.

    At least, not anymore...

A/N: and there's that...