As a child, I was never really shown anything LGBT. My parents weren't against it, I was never really exposed to the LGBT community. The first time I remember noticing that I was different, I was about 4 years old. I always wanted to hang out with people of the opposite sex. I found what they were doing a lot more interesting than what the boys were doing.
I remember being really confused all the time. I constantly asked my self, why do I enjoy doing what girls are doing? Am I not a guy? Playing with trucks and the little green army men never seemed to interest me, at all. If you asked me to choose between a Barbie doll and a toy truck, I'd choose to play with the Barbie doll. Some part of me felt connected with the dolls.
My confusion continued to grow all throughout my childhood. I remember looking at heterosexual couples and being confused on why that's not what I wanted. I always pictured myself walking down the street holding a guys hand, I never had the vision of being with a female. I just decided to push those feelings away, worrying that I was some sort of "freak". I was worried that people would treat me differently.
There was one thing that I always did that really made people around me know that I was different. It wasn't because I always wanted to play with the females, nor was it because I wanted to play with the Barbie dolls. I had this little blanket, with whales all over them. I was incredibly attached to that blanket. I remember just putting the blanket on my head, and pretending that I was a female. I would always have that thing on my head. When I had that on my head, all I could do was picture me having long luscious hair. Being some gorgeous female. When I had it over my head, I felt safe.
My parents always knew that I was different. Even though some of the things I did were a little "weird" and not what boys are supposed to do, they accepted me for who I was. They always showed their full support, and if they weren't as supportive as they were, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Even with supportive parents, I had constant battles with myself. I was always confused. Why do I feel this way? Why don't I want to date girls like my cousins and my brother? Why do I feel lust for guys, when I should feel it about girls? I asked myself these questions every day. These mind battles I played with myself are what caused my downward spiral.
