Demian

7) Eva

Once during my vacation I visited the house where years before Demian had lived with his mother. I saw an
old woman strolling in the garden and, speaking with her, learned that it was her house. I inquired after the
Demian family. She remembered them very well but could not tell me where they lived at present. Sensing my
interest she took me into the house, brought out a leather album and showed me a photo of Demian's mother. I
could hardly remember what she looked like, but now as I saw the small likeness my heart stood still: it was
my dream image! That was she, the tall, almost masculine woman who resembled her son, with maternal
traits, severity, passion; beautiful and alluring, beautiful and unapproachable, daemon and mother, fate and
beloved. There was no mistaking her! To discover in this fashion that my dream image existed struck me as a
miracle. So there was a woman who looked like that, who bore the features of my destiny! And to be Demian's
mother. Where was she? Shortly afterwards I embarked on my trip. What a strange journey it was! I traveled
restlessly from place to place, following every impulse, always searching for this woman. There were days
when everyone I met reminded me of her, echoed her, seemed to resemble her, drew me through the streets of
unfamiliar cities, through railroad stations and into trams, as in an intricate dream. There were other days
when I realized the futility of my search. Then I would idly sit somewhere in a park or in some hotel garden,
in a waiting room, trying to make the picture come alive within me. But it had become shy and elusive. I
found it impossible to fall asleep. Only while traveling on the train could I catch an occasional brief nap.
Once, in Zurich, a woman approached me, an impudent pretty creature. I took hardly any notice of her and
walked past as though she didn't exist. I would rather have died on the spot than have paid attention to another
woman, even for an hour. I felt my fate drawing me on, I felt the moment of my fulfillment coming near and I
was sick with impatience at not being able to do anything. Once in a railroad station, in Innsbruck I think, I
caught sight of a woman who reminded me of her--in a train just pulling away. I was miserable for days. And
suddenly the form reappeared in a dream one night. I awoke humiliated and dejected by the futility of my hunt
and I took the next train home. A few weeks later I enrolled at the university of H. I found everything
disappointing. The lectures on the history of philosophy were just as uninspired and stereotyped as the
activities of most of the students. Everything seemed to run according to an old pattern, everyone was doing
the same thing, and the exaggerated gaiety on the boyish faces looked depressingly empty and ready-made.
But at least I was free, I had the whole day to myself, lived quietly and peacefully in an old house near the
town wall, and on my table lay a few volumes of Nietzsche. I lived with him, sensed the loneliness of his soul, perceived the fate that had propelled him on inexorably; I suffered with him, and rejoiced that there had been
one man who had followed his destiny so relentlessly. Late one evening I was sauntering through town. An
autumn wind was blowing and I could hear the fraternities frolic in the taverns. Clouds of tobacco smoke
drifted out open windows with a profusion of song, loud, rhythmic yet uninspired, lifelessly uniform. I stood
at a street corner and listened: out of two bars the methodically rehearsed gaiety of youth rang out against the
night. False communion everywhere, everywhere shedding the responsibility of fate, flight to the herd for
warmth. Two men slowly walked past behind me. I caught a few words of their conversation. "Isn't it just
like the young men's house in a kraal?" said one of them. "Everything fits down to the tattooing which is in
vogue again. Look, that's young Europe. " The voice sounded strangely and admonishingly familiar. I
followed the two of them down the dark lane. One of them was a Japanese, small and elegant. Under a street
lamp I saw his yellow face light up in a smile. The other was now speaking again. "I imagine it's just as bad
where you come from, in Japan. People that don't follow the herd are rare everywhere. There are some here
too. " I felt a mixture of alarm and joy at each word. I knew the speaker. It was Demian. I followed him and
the Japanese through the wind-swept streets; listening to their conversation I relished the sound of Demian's
voice. It still had its familiar ring; the same old beautiful certainty and calm had all their old power over me.
Now all was well. I had found him. At the end of a street in the suburbs the Japanese took his leave and
unlocked his house door. Demian retraced his steps, I had stopped and was waiting for him in the middle of
the street. I became very agitated as I saw him approach, upright, with elastic step, in a brown rubber raincoat.
He came closer without changing his pace until he stopped a few steps in front of me. Then he removed his hat
and revealed his old light-skinned face with the decisive mouth and the peculiar brightness on his broad
forehead. "Demian, " I called out. He stretched out his hand. "So, it's you, Sinclair! I was expecting you. "
"Did you know I was here?" "I didn't exactly know it but I definitely wished you were. I didn't catch sight of
you until this evening. You've been following us for quite some time. " "Did you recognize me at once?" "Of
course. You've changed somewhat. But you have the sign. " "The sign. What kind of sign?" "We used to call
it the mark of Cain earlier on--if you can still remember. It's our sign. You've always had it, that's why I
became your friend. But now it has become more distinct. " "I wasn't aware of that. Or actually, yes, once I
painted a picture of you, Demian, and was astonished that it also resembled myself. Was that the sign?" "That
was it. It's good that you're here. My mother will be pleased, too. " Suddenly I was frightened. "Your mother?
Is she here, too? But she doesn't know me. " "But she knows about you. She will recognize you even without
my saying who you are. We've been in the dark about you for a long time. " "I often wanted to write you, but
it was no use. I've known for some time that I would find you soon. I waited for it each day. " He thrust his
arm under mine and walked along with me. An aura of calm surrounded him which affected me, too. Soon we
were talking as we used to talk in the past. Our thoughts went back to our time in school, the Confirmation
classes and also to that last unhappy meeting during my vacation. Only our earliest and closest bond, the Franz
Kromer episode, was never mentioned. Suddenly we found ourselves in the midst of a strange conversation
touching on many ominous topics. Picking up where Demian left off in his conversation with the Japanese, we
had discussed the life most of the students led, then came to something else, something that seemed to lie far
afield. Yet in Demian's words an intimate connection became evident. He spoke about the spirit of Europe
and the signs of the times. Everywhere, he said, we could observe the reign of the herd instinct, nowhere
freedom and love. All this false communion--from the fraternities to the choral societies and the nations
themselves--was an inevitable development, was a community born of fear and dread, out of embarrassment,
but inwardly rotten, outworn, close to collapsing. "Genuine communion, " said Demian, "is a beautiful thing.
But what we see nourishing everywhere is nothing of the kind. The real spirit will come from the knowledge
that separate individuals have of one another and for a time it will transform the world. The community spirit
at present is only a manifestation of the herd instinct. Men fly into each other's arms because they are afraid of
each other--the owners are for themselves, the workers for themselves, the scholars for themselves! And why
are they afraid? You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself. People are afraid because they
have never owned up to themselves. A whole society composed of men afraid of the unknown within them!
They all sense that the rules they live by are no longer valid, that they live according to archaic laws--neither
their religion nor their morality is in any way suited to the needs of the present. For a hundred years or more
Europe has done nothing but study and build factories! They know exactly how many ounces of powder it
takes to kill a man but they don't know how to pray to God, they don't even know how to be happy for a single
contented hour. Just take a look at a student dive! Or a resort where the rich congregate. It's hopeless. Dear Sinclair, nothing good can come of all of this. These people who huddle together in fear are filled with dread
and malice, no one trusts the other. They hanker after ideals that are ideals no longer but they will hound the
man to death who sets up a new one. I can feel the approaching conflict. It's coming, believe me, and soon. Of
course it will not 'improve' the world. Whether the workers kill the manufacturers or whether Germany makes
war on Russia will merely mean a change of ownership. But it won't have been entirely in vain. It will reveal
the bankruptcy of present-day ideals, there will be a sweeping away of Stone Age gods. The world, as it is
now, wants to die, wants to perish--and it will. " "And what will happen to us during this conflict?" "To us?
Oh, perhaps we'll perish in it. Our kind can be shot, too. Only we aren't done away with as easily as all that.
Around what remains of us, around those of us who survive, the will of the future will gather. The will of
humanity, which our Europe has shouted down for a time with its frenzy of technology, will come to the fore
again. And then it will become clear that the will of humanity is nowhere--and never was--identical with the
will of present-day societies, states and peoples, clubs and churches. No, what Nature wants of man stands
indelibly written in the individual, in you, in me. It stood written in Jesus, it stood written in Nietzsche. These
tendencies--which are the only important ones and which, of course, can assume different forms every
day--will have room to breathe once the present societies have collapsed. " It was late when we stopped in
front of a garden by the river. 'This is where we live, " said Demian. "You must come visit us soon. We've
been waiting for you. " Elated I walked the long way home through a night which had now turned chill. Here
and there students were reeling noisily to their quarters. I had often marked the contrast between their almost
ludicrous gaiety and my lonely existence, sometimes with scorn, sometimes with a feeling of deprivation. But
never until today had I felt with as much calm and secret strength how little it mattered to me, how remote and
dead this world was for me. I remembered civil servants in my home town, worthy old gentlemen who clung
to the memories of their drunken university days as to keepsakes from paradise and fashioned a cult of their
"vanished" student years as poets or other romantics fashion their childhood. It was the same everywhere!
Everywhere they looked for "freedom" and "luck" in the past, out of sheer dread of their present
responsibilities and future course. They drank and caroused for a few years and then they slunk away to
become serious-minded gentlemen in the service of the state. Yes, our society was rotten, and these student
stupidities were not so stupid, not so bad as a hundred other things. By the time I reached my distant house
and was preparing for bed, all these thoughts had vanished and my entire being clung expectantly to the great
promise that this day had brought me. As soon as I wished, even tomorrow, I was to see Demian's mother. Let
the students have their drunken orgies and tattoo their faces; the rotten world could await its destruction--for
all I cared. I was waiting for one thing--to see my fate step forth in a new guise. I slept deeply until late in the
morning. The new day dawned for me like a solemn feast, the kind I had not experienced since childhood. I
was full of a great restlessness, yet without fear of any kind. I felt that an important day had begun for me and
I saw and experienced the changed world around me, expectant, meaningful, and solemn; even the gentle
autumn rain had its beauty and a calm and festive air full of happy, sacred music. For the first time the outer
world was perfectly attuned to the world within; it was a joy to be alive. No house, no shop window, no face
disturbed me, everything was as it should be, without any of the flat, humdrum look of the everyday;
everything was a part of Nature, expectant and ready to face its destiny with reverence. That was how the
world had appeared to me in the mornings when I was a small boy, on the great feast days, at Christmas or
Easter. I had forgotten that the world could still be so lovely. I had grown accustomed to living within myself.
I was resigned to the knowledge that I had lost all appreciation of the outside world, that the loss of its bright
colors was an inseparable part of the loss of my childhood, and that, in a certain sense, one had to pay for
freedom and maturity of the soul with the renunciation of this cherished aura. But now, overjoyed, I saw that
all this had only been buried or clouded over and that it was still possible--even if you had become liberated
and had renounced your childhood happiness--to see the world shine and to savor the delicious thrill of the
child's vision. The moment came when I found my way back to the garden at the edge of town where I had
taken leave of Demian the night before. Hidden behind tall, wet trees stood a little house, bright and livable.
Tall plants flowered behind plate glass; behind glistening windows dark walls shone with pictures and rows of
books. The front door led straight into a small, warm hallway. A silent old maid, dressed in black with a white
apron, showed me in and took my coat. She left me alone in the hallway. I looked around and at once was
swept into the middle of my dream. High up on the dark wood-paneled wall, above a door, hung a familiar
painting, my bird with the golden-yellow sparrow hawk's head, clambering out of the terrestrial shell. Deeply
moved, I stood there motionless--I felt joy and pain as though at this moment everything I had ever done and experienced returned to me in the form of a reply and fulfillment. In a flash I saw hosts of images throng past
my mind's eye: my parents' house with the old coat of arms above the doorway, the boy Demian sketching the
emblem, myself as a boy under the fearful spell of my enemy Kromer, myself as an adolescent in my room at
school painting my dream bird at a quiet table, the soul caught in the intricacies of its own threads--and
everything, everything to this present moment resounded once more within me, was affirmed by me,
answered, sanctioned. With tears in my eyes I stared at my picture and read within myself. Then I lowered my
eyes: beneath the painting of the bird in the open door stood a tall woman in a dark dress. It was she. I was
unable to utter a word. With a face that resembled her son's, timeless, ageless, and full of inner strength, the
beautiful woman smiled with dignity. Her gaze was fulfillment, her greeting a homecoming. Silently I
stretched my hands out to her. She took both of them in her firm, warm hands. "You are Sinclair. I recognized
you at once. Welcome!" Her voice was deep and warm. I drank it up like sweet wine. And now I looked up
and into her quiet face, the black unfathomable eyes, at her fresh, ripe lips, the clear, regal brow that bore the
sign. "How glad I am, " I said and kissed her hands. "I believe I have been on my way my whole life --and
now I have come home. " She smiled like a mother. "One never reaches home, " she said. "But where paths
that have affinity for each other intersect the whole world looks like home, for a time. " She was expressing
what I had felt on my way to her. Her voice and her words resembled her son's and yet were quite different.
Everything was riper, warmer, more self-evident. But just as Max had never given anyone the impression of
being a boy, so his mother did not appear at all like a woman who had a full-grown son, so young and sweet
were her face and hair, so taut and smooth her golden skin, so fresh her mouth. More regal even than in my
dreams she stood before me. This, then, was the new guise in which my fate revealed itself to me, no longer
stern, no longer setting me apart, but fresh and joyful! I made no resolutions, took no vows--I had attained a
goal, a high point on the road: from there the next stage of the journey appeared unhampered and marvelous,
leading toward promised lands. Whatever might happen to me now, I was filled with ecstasy: that this woman
existed in the world, that I could drink in her voice and breathe her presence. No matter whether she would
become my mother, my beloved or a goddess--if she could just be here! if only my path would be close to
hers! She pointed up to my painting. "You never made Max happier than with this picture, " she said
thoughtfully. "And me, too. We were waiting for you and when the painting came we knew that you were on
your way. When you were a little boy, Sinclair, my son one day came home from school and said to me: there
is a boy in school, he has the sign on his brow, he has to become my friend. That was you. You have not had
an easy time but we had confidence in you. You met Max again during one of your vacations. You must have
been about sixteen at the time. Max told me about it --" I interrupted: "He told you about that? That was the
most miserable period of my life!" "Yes, Max said to me: Sinclair has the most difficult part coming now.
He's making one more attempt to take refuge among the others. He's even begun going to bars. But he won't
succeed. His sign is obscured but it sears him secretly. Wasn't it like that?" "Yes, exactly. Then I found
Beatrice and I finally found a master again. His name was Pistorius. Only then did it become clear to me why
my boyhood had been so closely bound up with Max and why I could not free myself from him. Dear mother,
at that time I often thought that I should have to take my life. Is the way as difficult as this for everybody?"
She stroked my hair. The touch felt as light as a breeze. "It is always difficult to be born. You know the chick
does not find it easy to break his way out of the shell. Think back and ask yourself: Was the way all that
difficult? Was it only difficult? Wasn't it beautiful, too? Can you think of a more beautiful and easier way?" I
shook my head. "It was difficult, " I said as though I were asleep, "it was hard until the dream came. " She
nodded and pierced me with a glance. "Yes, you must find your dream, then the way becomes easy. But there
is no dream that lasts forever, each dream is followed by another, and one should not cling to any particular
one. " I was startled and frightened. Was that a warning, a defensive gesture, so soon? But it didn't matter: I
was prepared to let her guide me and not to inquire into goals. "I do not know, " I said, "how long my dream
is supposed to last. I wish it could be forever. My fate has received me under the picture of the bird like a lover
and like a beloved. I belong to my fate and to no one else. " "As long as the dream is your fate you should
remain faithful to it, " she confirmed in a serious tone of voice. I was overcome by sadness and a longing to
die in this enchanted hour. I felt tears--what an infinity since I had last wept--well up irresistibly in my eyes
and overwhelm me. I turned abruptly away from her, stepped to the window, and stared blindly into the
distance. I heard her voice behind me, calm and yet brimful with tenderness as a beaker with wine. "Sinclair,
you are a child! Your fate loves you. One day it will be entirely yours--just as you dream it--if you remain
constant to it. " I had gained control of myself and turned toward her again. She gave me her hand. "I have a few friends, " she said with a smile, "a few very close friends who call me Frau Eva. You shall be one of them
if you wish. " She led me to the door, opened it, and pointed into the garden. "You'll find Max out there. " I
stood dazed and shaken under the tall trees, not knowing whether I was more awake or more in a dream than
ever. The rain dripped gently from the branches. Slowly I walked out into the garden that extended some way
along the river. Finally I found Demian. He was standing in an open summer house, stripped to the waist,
punching a suspended sandbag. I stopped, astonished. Demian looked strikingly handsome with his broad
chest, and firm, manly features; the raised arms with taut muscles were strong and capable, the movements
sprang playfully and smoothly from hips, shoulders, and wrists. "Demian, " I called out. "What are you doing
there?" He laughed happily. "Practicing. I've promised the Japanese a boxing match, the little fellow is as
agile as a cat and, of course, just as sly, but he won't be able to beat me. There's a very slight humiliation for
which I have to pay him back. " He put on his shirt and coat. "You've seen my mother?" he asked. "Yes,
Demian, what a wonderful mother you have! Frau Eva! The name fits her perfectly. Sheis like a universal
mother. " For a moment he looked thoughtfully into my face. "So you know her name already? You can be
proud of yourself. You are the first person she has told it to during the first meeting. " From this day on I went
in and out of the house like a son or brother--but also as someone in love. As soon as I opened the gate, as
soon as I caught sight of the tall trees in the garden, I felt happy and rich. Outside was reality: streets and
houses, people and institutions, libraries and lecture halls--but here inside was love; here lived the legend and
the dream. And yet we lived in no way cut off from the outside world; in our thoughts and conversations we
often lived in the midst of it, only on an entirely different plane. We were not separated from the majority of
men by a boundary but simply by another mode of vision. Our task was to represent an island in the world, a
prototype perhaps, or at least a prospect of a different way of life. I, who had been isolated for so long, learned
about the companionship which is possible between people who have tasted complete loneliness. I never again
hankered after the tables of the fortunate and the feasts of the blessed. Never again did envy or nostalgia
overcome me when I witnessed the collective pleasures of others. And gradually I was initiated into the secret
of those who wear the sign in their faces. We who wore the sign might justly be considered "odd" by the
world; yes, even crazy, and dangerous. We wereaware or in the process of becoming aware and our striving
was directed toward achieving a more and more complete state of awareness while the striving of the others
was a quest aimed at binding their opinions, ideals, duties, their lives and fortunes more and more closely to
those of the herd. There, too, was striving, there, too, were power and greatness. But whereas we, who were
marked, believed that we represented the will of Nature to something new, to the individualism of the future,
the others sought to perpetuate the status quo. Humanity--which they loved as we did--was for them
something complete that must be maintained and protected. For us, humanity was a distant goal toward which
all men were moving, whose image no one knew, whose laws were nowhere written down. Apart from Frau
Eva, Max, and myself, various other seekers were more or less closely attached to the circle. Quite a few had
set out on very individual paths, had set themselves quite unusual goals, and clung to specific ideas and duties.
They included astrologers and cabalists, also a disciple of Count Tolstoi, and all kinds of delicate, shy, and
vulnerable creatures, followers of new sects, devotees of Indian asceticism, vegetarians, and so forth. We
actually had no mental bonds in common save the respect which each one accorded the ideals of the other.
Those with whom we felt a close kinship were concerned with mankind's past search for gods and ideals--their
studies often reminded me of Pistorius. They brought books with them, translated aloud texts in ancient
languages, showed us illustrations of ancient symbols and rites and taught us to see how humanity's entire
store of ideals so far consisted of dreams that had emanated from the unconscious, of dreams in which
humanity groped after its intimations of future potentialities. Thus we became acquainted with the wonderful
thousand-headed tangle of gods from prehistory to the dawn of the Christian conversion. We heard the creeds
of solitary holy men, of the transformations religions undergo in their migrations from one people to another.
Thus, from everything we collected in this manner, we gained a critical understanding of our time and of
contemporary Europe: with prodigious efforts mighty new weapons had been created for mankind but the end
was flagrant, deep desolation of the spirit. Europe had conquered the whole world only to lose her own soul.
Our circle also included believers, adherents of certain hopes and healing faiths. There were Buddhists who
sought to convert Europe, a disciple of Tolstoi who preached nonresistance to evil, as well as other sects. We
in the inner circle listened but accepted none of these teachings as anything but metaphors. We, who bore the
mark, felt no anxiety about the shape the future was to take. All of these faiths and teachings seemed to us
already dead and useless. The only duty and destiny we acknowledged was that each one of us should become so completely himself, so utterly faithful to the active seed which Nature planted within him, that in living out
its growth he could be surprised by nothing unknown to come. Although we might not have been able to
express it, we all felt distinctly that a new birth amid the collapse of this present world was imminent, already
discernible. Demian often said to me: "What will come is beyond imagining. The soul of Europe is a beast that
has lain fettered for an infinitely long time. And when it's free, its first movements won't be the gentlest. But
the means are unimportant if only the real needs of the soul--which has for so long been repeatedly stunted and
anesthetized--come to light. Then our day will come, then we will be needed. Not as leaders and
lawgivers--we won't be there to see the new laws--but rather as those who are willing, as men who are ready to
go forth and stand prepared wherever fate may need them. Look, all men are prepared to accomplish the
incredibleif their ideals are threatened. But no one is ready when a new ideal, a new and perhaps dangerous
and ominous impulse, makes itself felt. The few who will be ready at that time and who will go forth--will be
us. That is why we are marked--as Cain was--to arouse fear and hatred and drive men out of a confining idyl
into more dangerous reaches. All men who have had an effect on the course of human history, all of them
without exception, were capable and effective only because they were ready to accept the inevitable. It is true
of Moses and Buddha, of Napoleon and Bismarck. What particular movement one serves and what pole one is
directed from are matters outside one's own choice. If Bismarck had understood the Social Democrats and
compromised with them he would have merely been shrewd but no man of destiny. The same applies to
Napoleon, Caesar, Loyola, all men of that species in fact. Always, you must think of these things in
evolutionary, in historical terms! When the upheavals of the earth's surface flung the creatures of the sea onto
the land and the land creatures into the sea, the specimens of the various orders that were ready to follow their
destiny were the ones that accomplished the new and unprecedented; by making new biological adjustments
they were able to save their species from destruction. We do not know whether these were the same specimens
that had previously distinguished themselves among their fellows as conservative, upholders of the status quo,
or rather as eccentrics, revolutionaries; but we do know they were ready, and could therefore lead their species
into new phases of evolution. That is why we want to beready. " Frau Eva was often present during these
conversations yet she did not participate in quite the same manner. She was a listener, full of trust and
understanding, an echo for each one of us who explained his thoughts. It seemed as though all thinking
emanated from her and in the end went back to her. My happiness consisted in sitting near her, hearing her
voice occasionally and sharing the rich, soulful atmosphere surrounding her. She was immediately aware of
any change, any unhappiness or new development within me. It even seemed to me that my dreams at night
were inspired by her. I would often recount them to her and she found them comprehensible and natural; there
was no unusual turn in them that she could not follow. For a time my dreams repeated patterns of our daytime
conversations. I dreamed that the whole world was in turmoil and that by myself, or with Demian, I was
tensely waiting for the great moment. The face of fate remained obscured but somehow bore the features of
Frau Eva: to be chosen or spurned by her, that was fate. Sometimes she would say with a smile: "Your dream
is incomplete, Sinclair. You've left out the best part. " And then I would remember the part I had left out and
not understand how I could have forgotten it. At times I was dissatisfied with myself and tortured with desire:
I believed I could no longer bear to have her near me without taking her in my arms. She sensed this, too, at
once. Once when I had stayed away for several days and returned bewildered she took me aside and said:
"You must not give way to desires which you don't believe in. I know what you desire. You should, however,
either be capable of renouncing these desires or feel wholly justified in having them. Once you are able to
make your request in such a way that you will be quite certain of its fulfillment, then the fulfillment will come.
But at present you alternate between desire and renunciation and are afraid all the time. All that must be
overcome. Let me tell you a story. " And she told me about a youth who had fallen in love with a planet. He
stood by the sea, stretched out his arms and prayed to the planet, dreamed of it, and directed all his thoughts to
it. But he knew, or felt he knew, that a star cannot be embraced by a human being. He considered it to be his
fate to love a heavenly body without any hope of fulfillment and out of this insight he constructed an entire
philosophy of renunciation and silent, faithful suffering that would improve and purify him. Yet all his dreams
reached the planet. Once he stood again on the high cliff at night by the sea and gazed at the planet and burned
with love for it. And at the height of his longing he leaped into the emptiness toward the planet, but at the
instant of leaping "it's impossible" flashed once more through his mind. There he lay on the shore, shattered.
He had not understood how to love. If at the instant of leaping he had had the strength of faith in the
fulfillment of his love he would have soared into the heights and been united with the star. "Love must not entreat, " she added, "or demand. Love must have the strength to become certain within itself. Then it ceases
merely to be attracted and begins to attract. Sinclair, your love is attracted to me. Once it begins to attract me, I
will come. I will not make a gift of myself, I must be won. " Another time she told me a different story,
concerning a lover whose love was unrequited. He withdrew completely within himself, believing his love
would consume him. The world became lost to him, he no longer noticed blue sky and green woods, he no
longer heard the brook murmur; his ears had turned deaf to the notes of the harp: nothing mattered any more;
he had become poor and wretched. Yet his love increased and he would rather have died or been ruined than
renounce possessing this beautiful woman. Then he felt that his passion had consumed everything else within
him and become so strong, so magnetic that the beautiful woman must follow. She came to him and he stood
with outstretched arms ready to draw her to him. As she stood before him she was completely transformed and
with awe he felt and saw that he had won back all he had previously lost. She stood before him and
surrendered herself to him and sky, forest, and brook all came toward him in new and resplendent colors,
belonged to him, and spoke to him in his own language. And instead of merely winning a woman he embraced
the entire world and every star in heaven glowed within him and sparkled with joy in his soul. He had loved
and had found himself. But most people love to lose themselves. My love for Frau Eva seemed to fill my
whole life. But every day it manifested itself differently. Sometimes I felt certain that it was not she as a
person whom I was attracted to and yearned for with all my being, but that she existed only as a metaphor of
my inner self, a metaphor whose sole purpose was to lead me more deeply into myself. Things she said often
sounded like replies from my subconscious to questions that tormented me. There were other moments when I
sat beside her and burned with sensual desire and kissed objects she had touched. And little by little, sensual
and spiritual love, reality and symbol began to overlap. Then it would happen that as I thought about her in my
room at home in tranquil intimacy I felt her hand in mine and her lips touching my lips. Or I would be at her
house, would look into her face and hear her voice, yet not know whether she was real or a dream. I began to
sense how one can possess a love constantly and eternally. I would have an insight while reading a book--and
this would feel the same as Eva's kiss. She caressed my hair and smiled at me affectionately and this felt like
taking a step forward within myself. Everything significant and full of fate for me adopted her form. She could
transform herself into any of my thoughts and each of my thoughts could be transformed into her. I had been
apprehensive about the Christmas vacation--to be spent at my parents' house --because I thought it would be
agony to be away from Frau Eva for two whole weeks. But it did not turn out like that. It was wonderful to be
at home and yet be able to think of her. When I arrived back in H. I waited two more days before going to see
her, so as to savor this security, this being independent of her physical presence. I had dreams, too, in which
my union with her was consummated in new symbolic acts. She was an ocean into which I streamed. She was
a star and I another on my way to her, circling round each other. I told her this dream when I first visited her
again. 'The dream is beautiful, " she said quietly. "Make it come true. " There came a day in early spring that
I have never forgotten. I entered the hallway, a window was open and a stream of air let in the heavy fragrance
of the hyacinths. As no one was about, I went upstairs to Max Demian's study. I tapped lightly on the door
and, as was my custom, went in without waiting for a reply. The room was dark, all the curtains were drawn.
The door to the small adjoining room stood open. There Max had set up a chemical laboratory. That's where
the only light came from. I thought no one was in and drew back one of the curtains. Then I saw Max
slumped on a stool by the curtained window, looking oddly changed, and it flashed through me: You've seen
this before! His arms hung limp, hands in his lap, his head bent slightly forward, and his eyes, though open,
were unseeing and dead; in one of his pupils as in a piece of glass a thin, harsh ray of light snapped the lens
open and shut, open and shut. The wan face was absorbed in itself and without expression, except for its
immense rigidity; he resembled an age-old animal mask at the portal of a temple. He did not seem to breathe.
Overcome by dread I quietly left the room and walked downstairs. In the hallway I met Frau Eva, pale and
seemingly tired, which I had never known her to be before. Just then a shadow passed over the window, the
white glare of the sun suddenly fled. "I was in Max's room, " I whispered rapidly. "Has something happened?
He's either asleep or lost within himself, I don't know which; I saw him look like that once before. " "You
didn't wake him, did you?" she quickly asked. "No. He didn't hear me. I left the room immediately. Tell me,
what is the matter with him?" She swept the back of her hand once across her brow. "Don't worry, Sinclair,
nothing will happen to him. He has withdrawn. It will soon pass. " She stood up and went out into the
garden--although it was beginning to rain. I felt that she did not want me to accompany her and so I walked up
and down the hallway, inhaled the bewildering scent of the hyacinths, stared at my bird picture above the doorway, and breathed the stifling atmosphere that filled the house that morning. What was it? What had
happened? Frau Eva returned before long. Raindrops clung to her black hair. She sat down in her armchair.
She seemed weary. I stepped up to her, bent over her head, and kissed the rain out of her hair. Her eyes were
bright and calm but the raindrops tasted like tears. "Should I go and see how he is?" I asked in a whisper. She
smiled weakly. "Don't be a little boy, Sinclair!" she admonished me, loudly as though trying to break a spell
within herself. "Get along now and come back later. I can't talk to you now. " I half walked, half ran from the
house and the town, toward the mountains. The fine rain slanted into my face, low clouds swept by as though
weighed down with fear. Near the ground there was hardly a breath of air but in the higher altitudes a storm
seemed to rage. Several times the lurid sun broke briefly through harsh rifts in the steel-gray clouds. Then a
loose, yellow cloud swept across the sky, collided with the other, gray bank of cloud. In a few seconds the
wind had fashioned a shape out of this yellow and blue-gray mass, a gigantic bird that tore itself free of the
steel-blue chaos and flew off into the sky with a great beating of wings. Then the storm became audible and
rain rattled down mixed with hail. A brief, incredible, terrifying roar of thunder cracked across the rain-lashed
landscape and immediately afterwards a gleam of sunshine burst through. On the nearby mountains the pale
snow shone livid and unreal above the brown forest. When, hours later, I returned wet and wind-blown,
Demian himself opened the door. He took me up to his room. A gas jet was burning in his laboratory and
papers were strewn about the floor. He had evidently been working. "Sit down, " he invited, "you must be
exhausted, it was horrible weather. One can see that you really were outside. There'll be tea in a moment. "
"Something is the matter today, " I began hesitantly. "It can't only be a thunderstorm. " He looked at me
inquiringly. "Did you see something?" "Yes. I saw a picture in the clouds, quite clearly for a moment. "
"What kind of picture?" "It was a bird. " "The sparrow hawk? Your dream bird?" "Yes, it was my sparrow
hawk. It was yellow and gigantic and it flew off into the blue-black clouds. " Demian heaved a great sigh.
There was a knock on the door. The old servant brought in the tea. "Help yourself, Sinclair, please. I don't
believe you saw the bird just by chance. " "By chance? Does one get to see such things by chance?" "Quite
right. No, one doesn't. The bird has a significance. Do you know what?" "No. I only feel that it signifies some
shattering event, a move on the part of destiny. I believe that it concerns all of us. " He was pacing excitedly
back and forth. "A move on the part of destiny!" he shouted. "I dreamed the same kind of thing last night and
my mother had a presentiment yesterday which conveyed the same message. I dreamed I was climbing up a
ladder placed against a tree trunk or tower. When I reached the top I saw the whole landscape ablaze --a vast
plain with innumerable towns and villages. I can't tell you the whole dream yet, everything is still somewhat
confused. " "Do you feel that the dream concerns you personally?" "Of course. No one dreams anything that
doesn't 'concern him personally. ' But it doesn't concern me only, you're right. I differentiate quite sharply
between dreams that reveal movements within my own soul and the other, far rarer dreams in which the fate of
all mankind suggests itself. I have rarely had such dreams and never before one of which I could say that it
was a prophecy which was fulfilled. The interpretations are too uncertain. But I know for sure that I have
dreamed something that doesn't concern me alone. For this dream links up with others, previous dreams I have
had, to which it is a sequel. These are the dreams, Sinclair, which fill me with the forebodings I've spoken of
to you. We both know that the world is quite rotten but that wouldn't be any reason to predict its imminent
collapse or something of the kind. But for several years I have had dreams from which I conclude, or which
make me feel, that the collapse of an old world is indeed Imminent. At first these were weak and remote
intimations but they have become increasingly stronger and more distinct. I still know nothing except
thatsomething is going to happen on a vast scale, something dreadful in which I myself will be involved.
Sinclair, we will take part in this event that we have discussed so often. The world wants to renew itself.
There's a smell of death in the air. Nothing can be born without first dying. But it is far more terrible than I
had thought. " I stared at him aghast. "Can't you tell me the rest of your dream?" I asked shyly. He shook his
head. "No. " The door opened to let in Frau Eva. "You're not feeling sad, I hope. " She looked refreshed, all
trace of fatigue had vanished. Demian smiled at her and she came up to us as a mother approaches frightened
children. "No, we are not sad, mother. We've merely tried to puzzle out these new omens. But it's no use
anyway. Whatever happens will suddenly be here; then we shall learn soon enough what we need to know. "
But I felt dispirited, and when I took my leave and walked alone through the hallway, the stale scent of the
hyacinths seemed cadaverous. A shadow had fallen over us.