So, I have never really tried to start a blog before but alot of things have been on my mind lately and I thought why not? I am a survivor of suicide.. not that I have tried to kill myself, but I have lost two people that were my entire world. I came from a relatively normal family and was a happy, carefree child. My teens years, like most people's, were a roller coaster of hormones and emotions. But I survived. My world was pretty normal until, suddenly it wasn't. And 22 years later, I remember that night like it was yesterday.
December 31, 1994 was the last night that I spent with the most important person in my world, my mother. It started like any New Years Eve.. watching the ball drop and laughing. However, the next day, my entire world crashed down around me. My mother had committed suicide. I was 22 years old and not at all prepared for the landslide of emotions that followed. That phone call is etched in my brain forever and I am sure that I will never be that same woman that I was before that night. She was my role model, my idol, the woman that I wanted to be when I got older and in that split moment, she made a choice that I will never understand. How is it possible that this beautiful, amazing, funny woman felt that was her only option? How is it possible that my love for her wasn't enough to make her stay and fight? The amount of guilt that I lived with was consuming me.. what if I had called someone? What if I had gone to find her? Why didn't I tell her that I loved her before she left that day? would that have made a difference? It has taken me 22 years of tormenting myself to realize that my mother's suicide was not my fault. Even as I sit here writing this, the doubt creeps back up. Could I have made a difference? Could I have stopped her? Probably not but maybe by writing this, I can make a difference in someone else's life. Maybe by trying to reach others, I can help them or their loved ones. That is what I hope that this blog will accomplish.
Understandably this is not the easiest thing for me to write so I am ending this, just for now. I will write more every day that I can.. this blog will be about survivors! Survivors of addictions, survivors of tragedy and loss, and survivors of just life in general. So keep coming back because I promise that the best is yet to come!
Thanks for reading! Karen
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Surviving Suicide. My Journey
Non-FictionI had survived.. barely but I had. There was no way of knowing just how far reaching the suicides of my mother and sister would be but I was about to find out. Jail, addictions, failed relationships all directly related to those two deaths..
