Surviving Suicide. My Journey

The Blur

I never really imagined that my life could change so drastically in a matter of minutes and yet, it did. It was 7:35 pm, January 1st 1995, when I got that first phone call about my mother. I remember the exact time like it happened yesterday. I remember that morning like it was yesterday also.We woke up, had breakfast, and my mother spent about an hour playing with my son. My son was almost two and a half when the tragedy struck and boy, was he a grandma's boy! He would wait everyday for her to get home from work, right at the front door, and she would always bring him some kind of silly treat! The only other person that he loved that way was my younger sister and that is a whole different story that will be told later. My life had changed and I knew the holidays would never again be times of joy and happiness.

So, that day started off like any other day.. then in a split second, it all changed. My mom had been gone for hours and as the day began to wind down,I started to get worried. I had this horrible, eerie feeling in my stomach all day.. like I knew that something was wrong. At around 6:30 I began calling people to find out if anyone knew where she was. Of course, no one did. I remember sitting there with my boyfriend, who eventually became my husband, trying to decide if I should call the police. It wasn't at all like her to be gone all day and not touch base! Then the phone rang..

It wasn't the police, it wasn't my grandmother, it wasn't my father.. in fact, it was someone that I barely knew at all. On the other end of the phone was the mother of my mom's husband. And then she said the words that changed my life.. "your mother has shot herself." I remember thinking "ok but she's fine right?" I just knew that the paramedics had gotten to her in time and that she would be ok. How wrong was I? I tried to keep it together for my son who was sitting there right in my arms. I got up, called the babysitter, and began packing him a bag. After all, who knew how long I would be at the hospital.

The second call came at 7:45, exactly ten minutes later. All I was told was that my mother, the woman that gave me life and taught me so much, was dead. The scream that I heard didn't seem real, it was something out of a movie and I had no idea that it came from me. My boyfriend immediately took charge and got my son to the babysitter for me. The rest of what happened after that was a complete blur, as a matter of fact, it took me years to remember what that night was like. The only thing that I did remember was the 20 minute drive to my dad's house seemed to be taking forever.. and the fall into his arms seemed to be the longest fall ever.