Dear Niall

one

Dear Niall,

I needed you again today. Actually, scrap that. I need you every day.
I never stopped needing you.

But I broke again today. I thought everything was alright for once, that maybe I had finally moved on. Three weeks without an episode and you think you’re in the clear. And then you wake up crying and you know that it’s all down the drain.
It’s strange to think that it’s something I’ve almost gotten used to. I never thought you could get numb to the feeling of having your heart ripped out, again and again. Because that’s what it feels like. Like a monster reaching into my chest and pulling out my insides, only to go back for more. How long until I don’t have anything more for him to take? I hope it’s soon, I’m sick of feeling like this.
I’d rather be completely empty.

Days like today are the days that I miss you the most. I can practically see you, feel you, hear you. I know exactly what you’d do if you were here. You’d make me a cup of tea and wrap me up in that ratty old blue blanket we always swore we’d get rid of and you’d hold me. We’d play cheesy movies and you’d try to make me laugh in the way that only you ever can. I’d be safe in your arms and it would be okay.

Of course if you were there to do that then I wouldn’t be having any episodes anyway. That fact only makes it worse because some mornings I still wake up expecting to see your smile. I’ve still got that blanket, you know. Sometimes I get it out. It still smells of you. So I always have to put it away again because some things just hurt too much. It’s nice to know it’s there though.
 I hope you’re still smiling. I hope you’re balancing out all of my sad with your happy.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I tried to stop, I really did, but today made me realise that I can’t. I don’t care that you don’t want me to. I don’t think I can last if I can’t at least talk to you. I hope you understand.
Writing to you makes it seem like you’re here with me. I wish you were here with me.
Oh god, why aren’t you here with me?

I’m trying to be tough, but I don’t know if I can.
Love,
Liam.

To Liam,

Of course I don’t mind you writing to me. It would probably be better for both of us, especially you, that you didn’t. But if I’m being honest with you I miss you almost as much as you miss me.
Please be okay.
I know things seem terrible. I know you feel lonely. But I’ll always be with you. Whenever you’re feeling sad remember that. I’ll always be there. Wherever you go. As long as you love me I’ll be with you.

Stay strong for me baby.
Love,
Niall.

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This popped into my head late at night so I wrote it. I don't know if I should continue or not, so I guess if you guys like it I'll write more.
It's going to be pretty sad, just in case you can't tell.
Let me know what you think xx