Tonto

1

The room was a speaker, the music thumping through my feet. On a quest to have a girls night, I was lost in the crowd. Sweaty bodies moved from side to side, dancing to the music. Many bodies bumped each other in the small space they shared. On my first wild night out in America, I found it hard to enjoy myself. Squeezing past people and wandering hands I finally made my way to the bar. The black light illuminated the the bar, showing it's many colors.

Getting the attention of  the bar tender, I only got a club soda, having no interest on getting wasted tonight. Some how while going to school in america, I met a few people and we all started meeting up every once in a while. Then outside of school they like to party, which hadn't been my cup of tea but I grew to like it from time to time. That was only back at home. Here, being out is slightly stressful. I'm always feel as if I been watched and I'm not used to being the odd ball out. 

Staring down into my soda my stomach flipped at the thought of just waiting for my friends to resurface again. I wasn't feeling the stay out all night tonight. I really need to go home and get some rest. Sighing I slumped my shoulders. I hated feeling helpless and out of control. Its been happening on and on lately. I just can't get my head around where and when these emotions started attacking me. Frustrated and tired, I stood from my chair and headed out the club. 

Pulling out my cell phone, I called an Uber and texted my friends saying I was on my way home. Huffing I shoved my phone in my purse and looked around. The city was buzzing with life but I just couldn't get into it, at least not now. Sitting on a bench, I watched the cars whiz by and people stumble in and out of the club. Looking down at my hands, I figured I need some silence; some silence that could make one's ears ring. The school library is a good place for that kind of silence.

Glancing at my phone, it showed that my Uber was going to be here soon. God I guess I better get a grip on that stupid class at school. That teacher was going to drive me insane. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my pen and scribbled down to remember to ask around for tutoring. Finally, after 30 minutes of waiting and groaning my Uber pulled up. Climbing into the car, I sent a small smile to the girl in the drivers seat. 

"I'm so sorry, traffic at that end of town is just crazy. Lucky for us we are going to the other side of town." She said a bit flustered. 

"No worries, I'm  just glad you came." I said laughing lightly. As she began to drive, I got lost in my thoughts once again. Smooth jazz flowed freely through my ears as we rode down the street and the light wind whipped around my face gently. 

"So if you don't mind me asking, why did you leave the club so early." She asked breaking me from zoning completely out. Glancing around I noticed that the bright lights where fading slightly and we were coming up on my neighborhood, looking back at her, I gave her a sad smile.

"I feel like it's just one of them nights. I lost the feeling of wanting to let loose. I just have a lot on my mind I guess" I say pushing my hair away from my face. "You know?"

Smiling she nodded. Looking out the window I saw my house at the end of the street. Pulling up to my house, she smiled sweetly unlocking the door. Gathering my things, I thanked her and trailed up slowly to the house. Looking back at the street I noticed that the driver didn't move. Smiling broad and wide she wave as I put my key in the door. Waving back, I opened the door and made my way into the house, shutting the door with my foot. Sliding off my jacket, I kicked off my heels too. Walking past the living room, I saw my brother passed out on the couch and heard the soft hum of the t.v. Rubbing my eyes, I headed upstairs to my small room.

Glancing at the window in my room, I noticed that I left my curtains open. Trudging over to them, I pulled them closed. Setting my phone on the nightstand I hooked it up the the speaker and played H.E.R radio. Pulling my hair into two careless puffs, I picked out my clothes for next day and took a quick shower. After dressing, I sat down on my bed and pulled out my journal. Turning off the light, I settled in bed and turned on my lamp light. Flipping through written pages in my journal, I signed, frustrated at having to write another entry on why I couldn't stay out tonight. Maybe there was just more to me than getting wasted and passing out. At the age of 18, I felt embarrassed to explain that never in my life had I had any real and natural relationship in my life, at least not with a guy.