If Not I

PLEASE NOTE : THERE ARE SOME DISTURBING DETAILS HEREIN, PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION IF YOU ARE A SENSITIVE PERSON. *NB I have never been raped nor do I understand the feeling of the after effects. This is just my version of the event.

An eerie tune played in the background as I felt a wet and slippery tongue like roughness run along my arm. I tried to pull away but the ropes that were used to bind me were preventing just that, movement. My mouth was gagged with some feign cloth and my saliva soaked into it, causing my mouth to dry out. I could feel my wrist bruising from the ropes above but I didn't care; I would break them if I had to, I would do anything in order to get far away from whoever is doing this to me. Another wet stroke trailed up my neck. Nausea washed over me as the realization of what was bound to happen hit me... It was going to happen again tonight...

I took a deep breath as the heaviness still sits on my chest even today. I cannot tell you when this had started happening or where, in a matter of fact, I can't remember how I even got there. My life simply revolved around this lonely and pitiful life. In a routine way which I knew so well that it killed me to simply accept , I could remember hearing a grunt as my captor would set my hands lower, allowing myself to eat, he never took the blind folds off but scrapped the tray along the floor to make me aware that I had to eat. I remember not eating the food once; I thought if I could starve myself to death, it would be better than being alive for this kind of man's sickness. But what I got was far worse than his everyday abuse. That day I was force fed, beaten and group raped. His friends came over and well, let's just say, I thank god that I blacked out through most of it. That was the worst part... so I thought.

It turned out that if I was a "good girl" I got to bathe myself still with the blindfolds on, sleep on a mattress or even get to wash and brush my own hair myself. I was not allowed to interact with objects for very long and whatever time I did get with it, I valued it too much to even try to hurt him with it, I used it like it was gold. Before that my captor would do it all, he would make sure I was up to his standards and liking. He would wash and brush my hair, he would brush my teeth and trust me I had no option but to obey. He even... I gulped... shave me clean from underarms to legs. This was the part I would cry and hate the most. It seemed that the more he touched me the more he couldn't wait for later and he would have his way then and there with me shivering from the cold dripping water. I didn't mind the icy water, I welcomed it with opened arms, it was one way that actually helped me and saved me from his touches by numbing me and giving me that little peace. I cannot use enough words to describe the feeling of what betrayal felt like or to explain how uncomfortable it can be to live in your very own skin.

After weeks went by I was grouped raped for another two more times before it came to a complete stop. I was thankful that it did and I prayed everyday that I would wake up and think of it as just a bad dream or that someone would save me... every day I prayed a little harder as the prayer the day before failed. The blindfolds became a part of me and with that I became accustomed to the dark. Adjusting the shades back a little as it sat on my face. Everyday my captor would come, do the essential everyday duties as if he was a loving husband, raped me and leave. I eventually just sit there and wait for it to be over, before I use to cried or scream which only fed to his sickness so instead I remained silent. The only sounds that could be heard was his sickening grunting, his heavy breathing, a few flesh and flesh rubbing or slapping together and finally a howl of delight as he released himself all over me. I gently wiped my tears away. Before it was worse, he would first seek enjoyment of making me twitch with unwanted pleasure that make my body buzz with fire but made me sick to my very core. I cannot describe the feeling of betrayal... when your body acts as if he is my lover and ruler of it , gently and lovingly caressing it yet it was an illusion my mind conjured up to hind the dark ugly truth of the pleasure been taken by force. I tried so hard to hate it, hate myself , my body for allowing this, for responding in the way it did but I couldn't, I couldn't because I didn't want this. My captor grew tired and just did what he needed to and left.

One rainy day my captor was highly intoxicated judging by his fowl breath and the wonderful smell of rain. My captor that day starved me, beat me with a raped my over and over and over... in the end of the third round I cried out in pain as he started again, moving faster and more violent , he slapped me so hard that I hit the wall, crying out in pain as he turned me around and shoved his erected penis back in, slamming against my broken and raw skin. I begged under the gags for him to stop, but to him that was music to his ears. I cried so hard that I was on the verge of passing out until I heard the most beautiful words in all of my life... "James Crook, halt!, you are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent" a gruff voice pulled my captor James off me and took him far away completing the Miranda rights . "my lord, Head quarters, this is unit Alpha 51, we have a women down here in need of help, send back up and assistants" a sweet angel like voice said "My name is Grace and I'm going to take you home" and just like that, a warm blanket wrapped my entire frame, the bounds were cut off and the blindfold removed. I remember crying from joy and pain, the darkness was trying to claim me but I fought it until I felt my bare feet touch the grass. This made me cry even harder and I finally succumbed to the darkness. I couldn't see for months and the doctor said I had some eye damage.

After that I use to cry myself to sleep until I went for counselling which helped a lot and today here I am... in front of all of you. Time was up and I smiled as everyone started to sing their little pledge song that was made up for them, I thought it was silly but for them, it held hope for tomorrow and that's what they needed. I smiled again as they sung it with so much love and dedication. After everyone left, I grabbed my staff and took a slow walk home thinking about what I shared today, it wasn't the first and surely not the last, but somewhere in between I knew what I was doing was the right thing, talking about it and helping those who had been through a similar thing was the right thing to do, no matter how many times I have to rip open my wounds all in the sake of helping others , then I am more than willing too, In my case, I feel that I'm healing in the process. besides... who else would do it and risk their well being? ...

IF NOT I