Call Me Ella (ft. Niall Horan)

Chapter 30 - Decision

Chapter 30 - Decision

As I head to the stables I still feel numb, like I’m not really here. I still feel sick and can’t believe all that has happened. I still hope I’ll wake up any moment now and all this would be a bad dream. It’d only be the beginning of summer and nothing of this would’ve happened. I would only have Liv and Charlie and I’d be ready to endure my last summer here.

But I keep breathing, I keep walking and I feel my nails burying in my arms, reminding me that I am awake, I feel pain. Even if I wish to every star in the sky that this is a nightmare, I know it’s not. No matter for how long I stayed in the toilet, crying, hating myself, hating every choice I made, every turn I took… nothing will change. I can’t undo what has happened this summer and although I was happy at some point, now I look back and I only feel regret, and hatred towards myself for being fool enough to fall in Rhonda’s game. I stepped right into where she wanted me all this time.

I’m so proud of you.

Oh God, I feel like throwing up all over again when I remember her smile, her words, the way she looked at me. How… dear God, how did I end up here? How’s that I never saw it coming? I allowed myself to be blinded with all the happiness and sparks Niall brought along. With the butterflies in my stomach and all the drama of falling for a guy I shouldn’t fall for.

I allowed myself to get caught in a cliché drama and I ended up doing what I ran away from all these years. I ended up doing what I never wanted to do… and I didn’t even realise it until it was too late.

I’m not surprised when I see Niall in the stables, I knew he would be here. I came here hoping to find him here. I can’t undo what I did, but I can end all this. He turns around and looks in my direction, worry written all over his face but a smile creeps its way to his lips as his eyes light up and he starts walking over to where I am. I stopped the moment I saw him.

I feel a jab in my chest, hurting me mercilessly for what I feel for him. I knew I was falling for him but now I’m afraid I actually fell for him in this summer, in these almost three months since I met him. And that only makes things worse.

“Ella,” he calls me, reaching out for me with his hands, but I don’t move so he has to actually grab my hands, which I keep at my sides, and pull them towards him. “Are you okay? How did it go?” He asks and I can hear his concern.

I’m numb. I’m still numb. But I still feel pain and remorse.

I know it’s not his fault, he’s a piece in this game, just as much as I am, and maybe he can’t escape from this, but I can. I still can refuse to be part of this. That’s what I have left.

“Whatever she told you she’d do, I’m sure we can do something about it. Don’t be scared,” he speaks again, pulling me closer but I still don’t speak a word, I just look at him.

Those big blue eyes, so expressive, so honest. He is a good boy, he is a nice, caring, sweet and extremely sappy boy.

That smile, so heart-warming, so contagious. Just like his laughter. That smile that never failed to make me smile, until today.

This amazing boy, so cute and wonderful, so happy and optimistic. This is the boy who made me fall for a celebrity, who made me realise many things, but he’s also the guy who made me forget some of the most important things I stand for. He’s the guy who made me lose against Rhonda. He made me betray myself. Being with him means giving into what I’ve fought for so many years. He may be worth many things, but he’s not worth this. No one is worth giving up on what I believe and what’s important to me, even if it’s not important for no one else. It is important to me.