Star Wars: A Long Drabble Ago

Musings of a Mother

While Jaina was off hunting Caedus, Leia got a moment to herself to dwell on it . . .

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  While studying the holo in depth, Leia felt like it had only been last week that the holo had been taken. All of a sudden, she couldn't comprehend how so much time had passed that her little boy was no longer . . . her little boy. Anakin had been her baby boy, but Jacen was her little boy. Her precious, treasured, little boy. Her first boy. How was it that he had grown up so fast? Where had the years gone that he was so much taller and older and . . . darker.
 Leia shivered, instantly jamming down on those thoughts. She shoved them as far out of her mind as she could and returned her complete attention, love, and fondness to the holos scattered before her. Specifically, she stared at a holo of her little boy when he was still a baby. A newborn. Seconds old and covered in blood and a slick substance as a meddroid fitted him into Leia's arms. That first time. She remembered that day crystal clear. That moment had almost been too much for her, filling her with such a joy that could never be compared to anything else. Leia held her daughter and son to her chest, staring down at them in wonder through a teary-eyed gaze. Han slipped his arms around her and they smiled at each other, pride flooding them at what they, together, had made.
  Quickly, Leia flicked that one off and turned her attention to another holo of her and Jacen again. This one portrayed her son as a toddler, standing on chubby and shaky legs. Leia held his hands and helped him walk across the living room of their home, but upon making it about halfway . . .
  She let go.
  Then, he was off, giggling, smiling at his father as he made way for him. Han beamed back at their little boy and swooped him into his arms when he finally made it. Next thing she knew, she was on her feet, cheering with Han, taking Jacen back into her arms and dancing around the room with him.
  Pouting, she turned that one off too, then, turning her glance to the others, they distracted her, but hit her like a storm.
  She came home from work, late, tired, ready to fall on the floor and sleep. But she entered the Solos' apartment to see Jacen still up. "Jace, honey, what are you doing out here? It's bedtime. It's late."
  He nodded, getting up from the couch to talk to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her. "I was waiting for you to come home. I didn't want to go to bed without a goodnight hug and kiss."
  Leia smiled, taking his hand and heading for his and Anakin's bedroom. "Well, I'm touched that you stayed up this late just to see me, but, baby, it's late! Think you'll still be feeling your best for training with Uncle Luke tomorrow?"
  Jacen just shrugged, overcome with exhaustion.

  Yes, the years had sped by, clarifying the time passed like pulling the rug out from under Leia's feet. In fact, she felt like she was still sitting on the floor, swinging her head this way and that as she searched for an explanation. Forever, she would try to fathom how this had happened to her innocent little boy. How had this happened? How had her precious Jace chosen to turn down such a dark path? How had he become so unrecognizable to her?
  And why would he ever do that to his mother?
  Jace! Why, Jace? Why did you do that to me? What did I do wrong? Was it my fault? Could I have stopped you from turning against our family, against the Order, against the galaxy? Was there a point somewhere in your life when you were looking to me for help, but I wasn't listening? Oh, Jacen, I would do anything to go back and listen to you, talk to you, whatever it would take to remind you that you could tell me anything! You could have told me about Allana and I wouldn't have told a soul. Did you really think you couldn't trust me and your father enough to tell us we had a grandchild? You could have told me anything, Jacen, and I would have done everything I could. Maybe, if you'd just told me what you were thinking, I could have saved you from the dark side, from the fate that awaited you since you made that choice. Then, you would still be here and we wouldn't have to carry this hurt you've put on us.