Behind This Smile ✔

Shadows

Shadows. I detest the shadows. Why? Because they prove there is a light. And I detest the light.

Light allows you to see, allows others to see you and what you are doing. And what if you wanted to do something you didn't want anyone else to know about? You'd detest the light and thereby shadows, too.

I like the darkness. Cherish the darkness.

But, maybe I am lost in this darkness. It provides cover to do what one wants, but eventually one may lose their way and not be able to see where they are going. Then they get lost. Is that where I am now? Lost?

I do not want to be lost. I thought I had my life planned out. Well, as planned out as one can make it when all you see in your foreseeable future is darkness. You don't plan. You make one blind decision after another as you do whatever feels best in that moment. I thought that's what I wanted.

But now, I'm not so sure. I am in pain. Heartache flows through my veins. I've cried out a thousand times, but who am I crying to? Others who are in this darkness, wandering around in their supposed freedom, yet have no idea where they're going just like me?

So death still holds me in chains. Everywhere I turn, in rare moments I see the emptiness in the sad eyes that surround me. I cover up my own insecurities with a smile; no one sees what's really underneath. No one sees the tears I cry at night, because I am in darkness. How can they?

I'm like a mirrored surface no one sees behind, just saying what's expected of me every day.

Tears also blind their own eyes.

Actually, the only way I see the darkness in their eyes is when someone with light comes close to us. I see the contrast. Light versus Dark. They try to help me. The light is searching for me, trying to illuminate a safe path for me to journey on. A narrow path, but safe. Is that what I really want?

I see the light in their eyes and wonder. Aren't they scared of the light? Isn't it hard living with light shining through you, as if you are transparent – all your flaws and failures open for inspection? But then, they seem to have less flaws....no, they have flaws, but they seem ok with that. As if they know the flaws, but live this life with an external strength that complements their flaws. A strength made even stronger in their weakness.

Maybe I want that strength, too. I see the Light. It...it somehow gives them peace of sorts, puts a smile on their face. And not just a smile like mine, a smile that clearly covers a brokenness nothing on this dying earth can fill. But a smile that seems genuine, that reaches their eyes where the light shines from. Would I like to smile like that?