I was eight when my greatest fantasy about love was ruined— the rainbows and unicorns, the roses and gentle smiles. The promise of I love you and the epiphany of butterflies inside you while you kiss them. The crimson red cheeks as you hold each other hands and the great euphoria felt by just being with them, heart beats fast.
It was the day where everything changed, my dreams and perspective about love completely changed in just a snap of a finger. That was the day when my mother broke her vows as a wife, gave up her marriage in the name of lust and drowned herself in her temptations— the very same day my father first raised his fists, screaming of such profanities that I know have managed to break not only her heart but as well as her soul.
I used to believe that love only comes with joy. I used to think it was ethereal and just utterly beautiful. I fell in love with the idea of love that somehow, in the midst of comprehending, I forgot that love couldn't be love without it's flaws. I forgot the one real thing existing in this cruel world; pain.
Love can never be perfect, and as a famous author once said, pain demands to be felt. No love can ever be pain-free. Love demands sacrifice no matter how strong the bond may be. Love is messy, sometimes it's stupid and other times, it drives you insane. But that's love, I guess. It is love in it's realest form— idiotic, psychotic and pure of bullshits.
But still, we crave for it nevertheless.
Stupid Humans, smh.
I sat on my seat, frozen and unable to move, eyes close to tears as I bit my lip. I watch as my two hyungs argued, anger painted in their very eyes, their hearts going farther and farther away as they rather share profanities and such expletive words, hands fisted on their sides like they were so close to punching the other on the face.
Slowly, I could feel my heart tighten, not liking this moment one bit. "I fucking told you she's nothing but my goddamn ex!" Hoseok yelled in anger. I could see red in his eyes, gone was the sweet and serene hoseok everybody have come to know. "For fuck's sake taehyung, grow the fuck up!"
"I told you to fucking stop replying to her messages!" Taehyung argued, the corners of his eyes glistening with tears. "That bitch still loves you, you dickhead! That motherfucking whale still wants you! Don't you fucking get that?!"
"You talk as if I cheated," hoseok hissed. "I told you, I love you. Isn't that enough?!"
"You went behind my back, hoseok. Don't you fucking dare tell me you never did. I told you stop any forms of communications with her, you told me you already did. So how the fuck is she still fucking texting you?" Taehyung asked in disbelief, a tear cascading down his left eye. "You fucking lied to me, hoseok. You fucking cheated on me!"
"How is that cheating?" Hoseok glared, "Sure I reply to her messages but I never did flirt back, taehyung. Now, how the fuck is that cheating? Why are you like this? Why do you hate her so fuckin—"
"— because she's your great love, hoseok!" Taehyung screamed all of a sudden, shutting hoseok up and everybody else. I felt namjoon still beside me, his arm tightening on my brother's waist. And from my peripheral vision, I could see yoongi picking jooheon up, Seulgi covering both his ears. "...s-she was your first in fucking everything— love, kiss, sex and just simply everything. She's flawless and beautiful and gorgeous. She's smart, sexy and adored by many, and I hate it. I hate how she could just effortlessly sway your family and fall for her charms that easily while here I am, still hoping to be accepted by your mother. I hate how she's a girl and can have kids, because I've always dreamt of having kids with you, hyung. I hate how she could provide you something I could never do no matter how hard I try. I hate her, because she is everything I will never be." Taehyung's voice broke, whispering the last part as he was now in tears.
The anger that once took place in hoseok's eyes slowly vanished, gaze softening and his lips parted as he stared back at his lover. He was about to take a step closer when taehyung stepped back, eyes low and empty as he stared down the ground. "Let's end this, hoseok-ah," his voice broke. "I'm tired."
"No!" Hosoek rushed to him, his steps hurried and aggressive as his eyes screams of nothing but pain. "N-no, baby, let's talk this out. You can't...please no, don't. Taehyung, don't." he pleaded, pulling taehyung to his chest.
"You're free now," taehyung muttered, looking away. "Do as you wish, I'll no longer hold you back."
I badly wanted to speak up, tell them to fight for their love and fulfill my great dreams and fantasies about love. Inwardly, I screamed. I never longed to see taehyung and hoseok in such state. I wanted to run up to them and slap them out from their madness. The great desire to intervene made my heart pound, I wanted them to stop. It hurts, seeing them like this hurts. I've always hated arguments. I hated it when couples fight for some useless shits. I hate break ups, and lastly, I hate separations. I wanted to tell them how perfect they both are for each other, how great they look together. I wanted to speak up and tell them that. I had so many things I wanted to tell them, but then it hit me.
No love is ever perfect.
So I didn't.
Hoseok wailed, not wanting to let go of his lover. And beyond everything, I could hear seokjin's soft whimpers as he tugged closer to namjoon's side. He had always been weak when it comes to such scenes like this. Break ups are his worst nightmare and his deepest paranoia. He is weak— like me.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, only to be met by yoongi. "Let's give them some privacy," he whispered, his voice low and empty. His eyes were void of any emotions but I know, deep down, yoongi hated seeing these kinds of scenes too.
He beckoned me to leave, grasping my arm gently and lead me to the staircase. Namjoon and the teary seokjin followed close behind, his low sobs and whimpers could be faintly heard as we ventured up the stairs. Nobody said anything as we entered our separated rooms. I didn't dare to look back and see such desolation take place in everybody's eyes, especially my brother's.
I could still hear the faint screams and pleads from downstairs. I leaned back on my headboard, eyes locked outside the window that I have forgotten to close earlier. I could feel the stinging of my eyes, such burden on my sleeves as I gazed up at the lonely moon above.
My heart broke as I hear the lonely moon's plea. It was a rhapsody filled with nothing but blues and grays. It shines bright but it was just as dark as it's shadow. The moon, though without a face, looked sadder than ever, and suddenly, I am too.
So without hesitation, I turned on my back and closed my eyes, hoping to speed the night.
Jimin, whatever we are, wherever you are, please never break my heart.
Not like that and not like this.
