Finn's journal

Day 3

Your still here yeah? Reading my minds sorrows and destroyed hopes and dreams. That's funny really I'm laughing right now, the pages are probably wet from tears. Yeah I'm crying, what of it? It's okay to cry right? That's all I want to do now until I have no tears left and maybe I'll be dehydrated and I can finally die. No one knows of these thoughts except for you who are reading this. There's a gun next to me and a knife in the drawer, should I use them? I don't want to but...its tempting.

I put them away. They're in a locked drawer right now. Mam came in today, to talk. I love her company, she's always so funny. If only she liked my company. I would love that. The only friend I have is this little skeleton kid. Sweet thing they are. They've got great parents, I wish I had that. The child has so much spunk and they're the kindest thing I've met in a while. Such a sweet heart, really I think of them more of a sibling than anything. Mandarin, they're a good kid. They're parents are lucky, I'll protect that kid with my life if I have to. No soul as bright as their deserves any harm done, unlike mine. Dark and empty, wanting something to fill it. I wanted to avenge my mother, I wanted him to feel pain like he caused me and yet....it just made me feel more empty. I should be in prison, I'd be fine in prison. Maybe the death sentence would be given to me...I want to die. Maybe then I can see my mother again. Her warm hugs, her smile. I want my mom. I want my mother back I want my dad back. I regret what I've done and now they're both dead. I just....I just was a hug. The pain eats at me, I want someone to come in here and yell at me for being so stupid and then hug me. Make it better, someone please make it better make the pain stop. I need help, someone please help me make the darkness go away. Id give anything to have them with me. To have Fonts here and Mam. I want my "sister" I want Fonts. I want them to make it better please make it better put a bandage on it and tell me that I'll be okay and maybe I will. Mam please don't hate me. I think your the best thing, the best thing I've met. I'm not worth your time why do you even look at me? Fonts why do you talk to me? Why did you say hi to me that one day? Tell me why? Why would you take one look at me and come over to say hi? To ask me my name? Finnegan Fox, a broken man who has done horrible things and still sticks around because he met someone so beautiful that he can't bare to leave them..? Haha what a joke. Dearest Fonts if you find my journal one day...don't hate me. Whatever you do don't hate me that'd probably break my heart even more till the point I'd pull out this gun and blow a hole through my head. Hm...
I'm a good actor aren't I? I act happy and normal on the outside but I sometimes think that if anyone has seen through my curtained covered window. I want someone to pull back the curtains and break down the window. I'm trapped inside and I'm running out of air. I need a hero..but until I get one I'll wait and push myself out of bed everyday.
Fonts..Mam...I love both of you. I love you all so much. Mam you hate me I know but I'm a fox...a fox is in relation to a dog and I'll stay loyal. Unconditional love for my 'sister'. A brother and his sister, even if the sister hates him I, the brother, will still love the sister.
Fonts, you already know how I feel I don't think I need to explain dear. Hm, the only think I want is praise. I'm really sorry for taking away your friends and people who you took a liking to. I don't mean to please understand that. I really don't mean too, it's out of my control. It's like my heart possesses me and I don't try to. I fight so hard to et back control but when I do the deed has been done. Fonts, Mam, Mandarin.
If I ever go crazy again and you can't seem to get me back, I'll try and you'll see me struggle to get my grip back ok reality. Go to my office. There's a key right here next to the laptop, open the bottom drawer and pull out the gun. Load it. Come back out, aim right for my chest and fire. Destroy my heart. The thing that's caused me so much strife and has caused you all so much pain and sadness. Have Mam do it, she might be happy to kill me finally. Mam the truce is broken then. Kill me. I won't be mad.

Sincerely,
Finnegan