endnote.

Chapter One - unformidable

Chapter One

In her dreams, what little dreaming she did, it was always the same. The same slide from that never-ending scene that changed everything, it inched it's way into her subconscious; it was always that moment right before he did it that haunted Beth night after night. She and Maggie had watched, wide eyed, open mouthed, speechless. Just like that fateful day she was paralysed again, stuck to the spot with an unformidible realisation of what would happen next. There was a sickening copper tasting bile rising in her throat and a guttural scream stuck in her mouth. She tried, she promise she tried to drag her eyes away but her father's own eyes bore down into her soul, seeping into her chest and grabbing a tight hold on her heart - squeezing till she was afraid she would pass out. But she never did, her mind processed everything in it's minute details till she could no longer make sense in her waking hours what was continually jumbled up in her sleep.

Hershel had maintained eye contact with her till the very end. Beth stood aghast, tears streaming down her face, her ability to look away hampered by her inability to stop shaking, she ached to look away to spare her innocence the cruelty of watching her father's execution but fear has set in and what little she owed him in this instance was drowned out by the need to see it through to the end, no matter what that end would bring.

When it happened, when all they could see was red and the light had gone out in her father's eyes that's when the screaming started. Sometimes it was Maggie who grabbed her arm and shoved her in the direction of the bus, sometimes it was Daryl who grasped her hand and pulled her away, in the hysteria she had imagined things that never really happened, her mind had hoped to cushion the blow of a reality where she wished she'd made the whole thing up and upon waking she would find her father sitting there right next to her. Alive.

In the commotion she lost her sister, what and who was there one minute vanished the next, till all that was left was a massive plume of smoke, a hail of bullets and this never-ending screaming that with a thick realisation she knew came from her own shattered heart.

Dazed. Vision blurred and ringing ears from all the explosions that reverberated around her, the bile rose further up her throat till it flooded into her mouth and she couldn't hold it down any more; retching she had vomited and stomach acid burned her lips as it spewed out. Blind-sided and even weaker than before she hadn't seen the walker's hand reaching for her leg, she'd felt the fingers close around her ankle and hadn't the energy to scream any more; ready to except her fate Beth had turned around to greet it a sudden calmness coming over her despite all the devastation; the walker's hand moved further up her leg till it's teeth were inches away from her calf, blood soaked saliva hanging from what was left of it's jaw. She'd pushed the gun away, raising her face to the sky waiting for the bite that wasn't far off. But it did not come; what ensued that moment was a sharp bolt shot through the walker's eye, the arrow protruded from it's head with a beady eyeball attached to the other end totally detached from it's skull. Beth could have wretched again but then he had her arm and he was pulling her to her feet, nails digging in like both their lives depended on it. In the haze and mist all she could see was wings, she foolishly thought it was an angel and she really had been bit; this was the way to heaven and there was a moment of hope that she would see her mother again.. but that wasn't the only hope that she remembered; no there was a very different kind of hope her father had spoken of when they first found themselves surrounded by thick prison walls.

"If you don't have hope, what's the point of living.."

His hope, his words and his faith had been imprinted on her since this had all started; she carried a secret with her that could save every single last one of them and the only two other people who knew had taken to their graves. It was a secret that was too heavy to carry on her own, her heartstrings hurt not only for her loss but for whatever her future may bring; if she fell into the wrong hands and the truth was outed. What then? She'd kept her eyes pinned to the wings, to the crossbow held by a strong arm and to the fingers that were still curled around her own.

"Com'on we've gotta go!"

He'd said gruffly and they'd run till they physically could no longer hold themselves up, and they'd collapsed inches from each other breathing hard. When they'd made a mini camp and just stopped that's when it all came flooding back and Beth had cried herself to sleep with Daryl in the background watching her shoulders shake...

When she'd fallen asleep, she'd dreamt.

And her dream of dreaming had fuzzed around the edges phasing out and sticking itself in reverse before playing the whole morbid ordeal over and over again till Beth was woken from her thrashing nightmares by Daryl; his hand lingered on her forearm and he spoke softly, kindly to her. she'd never had much of a reason to have any conversation with him before; she was weak and he was just the opposite, they were both two sides of a very different set of coins.

She sat up, leaning on her hands as she watched him silently return to his place beside the fire. "You hungry?" he offered a plate of something mushy in her direction. She shook her head, tears had dried on her cheeks and she felt dirty, exhausted and dirty and lost and so many more feelings that if she let them, would consume her. "You gotta eat.." he pressed as he held the plate out to her again, even though it was only a statement rather than an order. "I'm not.." she whispered; she'd lost her voice in the aftermath. "I can't.." she tried again then eventually gave up and shook her head again, this time with a fleeting glance at him, he'd seen it bad back at the prison too; the wear and tear on his face was visible; she wondered if she looked the same.. she sure felt like it tonight.

Hypnotized by the flickering flames at Daryl's feet, Beth's memory took her back to a memory that she'd buried some time ago, when all these people had started to become walkers.

~

She'd been out to help Maggie and her father herd the cattle back to the barn; there was a thick fog that hugged the ground that evening, thick enough that it made it difficult to see her sister let alone a steer. There hadn't been a sound, no warning no nothing. Suddenly they were just surrounded, and running back in the direction of the farmhouse; She'd tripped, landed hard and dislocated her shoulder; there was agony followed swiftly by another kind of pain, this pain stemmed from her thigh creeping up into her pelvis as shot rang out and a pressure replaced that pain; shifting her position as easily as she could, Beth caught a good hard look at what had attached itself to her leg. Whatever it was, it wasn't human – she'd only started screaming when she noticed the blood that soaked her pant leg; her thigh throbbed and Maggie was there dragging her along best as she could, her father firing off round after round at the advancing mob. She'd fainted from blood-loss and that should have been the end; it would have been easy if it has just ended like that, but drifting in and out she survived, her skin knitted itself back together but the jagged scar remained... weeks, months later some wanders had disturbed their peace, a young boy was shot and the whole world as she knew it changed on a dime... She didn't die... and she didn't turn... She was immune..

~

Daryl knew shock when he saw it; picking up a muddied blanket, he draped it over Beth's shoulders, she didn't move, didn't even acknowledge his gesture just stared into the open flames rocking back and forth. Reluctantly he settled down beside her, his crossbow laid across his lap, keeping watch.

"of dust we rise and dust we part.."

(Lyric Credits: "Aftermath" by Vancouver Sleep Club)