Roommates

Roommate: 1

Oh my God. I am a horrible, horrible person. Kirstie's fiddling nervously with her cutlery and looking at me with an expression I can't quite figure out, but it's not good. She looks confused, I think, like she can't quite believe what I've just told her.

"But you've had lots of gay friends, why do you suddenly think you have a problem with Mitch?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that I thought I was going to throw up when I walked in on him kissing some random guy. I can't stop thinking about it... it makes my blood boil and my skin crawl; the thought of some guy with hands all over him," I shudder involuntarily, "And I know, I know I have absolutely no right to feel this way, but I can't help it." I feel sick to my stomach just talking about it and push my meal away. I can't even face eating. Very unlike me.

"But you've been roomies for more than a year and you're good friends; why do you suddenly have a problem now? You always knew he was gay; I mean; he's pretty open."

I chuckle a little at that. Yep. Mitch is pretty open alright. He's, like, super gay; and awesomely proud of it. "I don't know. He's normally pretty discreet when he brings men back to the apartment. The only reason I walked in on anything was because I'd told him not to expect me back for another four hours."

"But I've seen you two together; you're normally so comfortable with him; hell, you're actually quite flirty. If you were - " she leans closer and whispers the word 'homophobic' before moving back and continuing in a more normal voice, " - don't you think you'd have noticed before now?"

I shrug again, feeling hollow and distant, like I'm watching our conversation from the outside. I always thought I was as far from prejudiced as you could get. But apparently not. It's a pretty shitty realisation to have. "It gets worse," I say, leaning down to press my forehead against the cool table.

"Why? What did you do?"

I groan. I don't really want to talk about this. I feel my insides coil and twist as I think about it. "I was a total dick. I completely lost my cool and went off on one about not having to put up with PDA's in the shared areas of the apartment." I sit back upright and see Kirstie wince.

"The other guy got really embarrassed and fled and then Mitch got really defensive. He brought up all the times he'd walked in on me and Sarah being affectionate, and, well, damn it, he's right - I've got no right to feel this way. And then, I don't know, I said some more shit and Mitch got really upset and... and I walked out." I sigh and look at my watch. "That was three hours ago." I focus my gaze out the window and blink back the tears that are threatening to spill.

"Oh Scotty," Kirstie reaches for my hand across the table and strokes her thumb over my knuckles soothingly.

I look back and see her looking at me with pity - which I definetely don't deserve - and a hint of something else too. Amusement? She thinks this is funny?! I glare back, failing to see what could possibly be amusing amongst all this.

"What?"

"Do you think you might be a bit, um, jealous, maybe?"

"What, that he's actually getting some, as opposed to the desert wilderness that is my love life?" I shake my head. I mean, it's been a while but I don't think that can even begin to explain it.

"No, you dummy. Jealous of the random guy. Because you like Mitch. Like, romantically."

I blink and pull my hand away from hers. "But I'm straight."

"Are you?" She's staring intently at me. I feel like my every move is being mentally recorded, ready for detailed analysis. It's disconcerting.

"Huh? I mean, yes. Of course I am." But my voice doesn't sound entirely certain, even to my own ears.