Painfilled Diary

Am i noticed?

Thursday, September 1st 2016 2:30 pm
My name is Alaine. I'm 16 years old. I live in Brooklyn, New York. My family and I live in a 3 bedroom apartment it's just my mom Kelly, her boyfriend John and my sister Ada and I. My sister is 17 years old, and as well a honor roll student she plays volleyball and soccer, my mom sees a lot of potential in her and for me I'm a C is a good enough grade student who plays nothing. There was once a time when I believed in myself, where I thought I'd become something. Now being in my junior year, I'm going to yet be another nothing in the family. Right now I should be in class, instead I'm outside down the block with my 2 friends Jack and Hayes. We've all been friends for 5 years now. I've still been hiding the fact I've been in love with Jack for 2 of those years, he's so sweet and gives off a bad boy vibe. I couldn't stop watching him. The way his lips formed perfectly on his cigarette and his blue eyes always caught with mine and the way his blonde hair came across his face when the wind would blow. Hayes was most of the time a good kid but hanging with us there's no such thing as being a good kid. He'd always say
"Come on let's go back now." Or
"We are going to miss class."  Me and jack would just let him go...
"I need to get out of this hell hole." says jack
"what do you mean...?" I say softly
"Here. This place. It's not for me. I need to be free, live life the way I want." he replied
"Jack, you do live life the way you want, I mean we aren't even in school right now."
"No, living as I want is not having to come to school please my parents or to stay off the radar. I'm not you Alaine, I can't be bossed around like this anymore, for god sakes you're so blind to everything. Your mom forgets your even home half the time, we need get out of here.."
in this moment as he speaks nothing but truth I feel numb. Does my mom even care for me or does she notice the things I do? Or has she just gotten so use to me fucking up that she just expects nothing from me. If I were to say 'mom guess what' would she really care or just ignore me. I haven't really been talking to her lately. She's so distant, every time I come home she's always leaving with john going to my sisters games or to talk with the counselor about how my sister receives 4.0s and needs to pick a college.
"Alaine are you listening to me?"
is all i can remember over me and jacks conversation or what seemed like a lecture. I was thinking about other things at that moment.
Friday, September 2nd 2016 5:15pm
I've been out of school since 3:30pm. My sister has a volleyball game at this very moment instead I'm with Jack and my friend Eliza, Eliza is 17, she's a smoker of course and she does a lot better than me in school, her green eyes and brown hair can charm almost anyone, and her chokers are phenomenal. Eliza tells me and Jack about her friend that lives in Queens. Of how he makes fast money and asked her if she wanted in. She's been in the job for about 3 weeks, Eliza tells us about how she enjoys the fast cash, she asks if I'd be interested. I mean she didn't say what the job was so I said of course who can't take a little fast money, little did I know what I got myself into. Later that night jack dropped Eliza and I a little out of town, it was a brown building, nothing off about it. Hearing jacks tires scurry off I knew I had no choice but to keep going.