ANGELS || jb, au

four

"Josh was a good man." I looked out at the small crowd of people. We were at his funeral, and I was asked to give a speech about him because his family knew I was a friend of his.

What they didn't know was that he was my only friend.

A few people looked up at me to watch me speak from up in front of the group, but the rest of them stared down at the casket sitting in the ground.

Inside that casket was his body. I presumed it was cut up and mangled in some way, but I didn't really know for sure. I hadn't seen it.

I thought back to the night, just a week ago now, that I found out he was dead. I thought back to the morning after.

Josh knew I loved fortune cookies, so he had given me two. He usually did. When I went to eat the second after a sleepless night, I read the note inside. I didn't know if it was possible to be even more taken aback than I had been after reading the unexpected first note. Somehow though, the even more unexpected second one really got me.

"It's your fault."

That's what the front read.

"Your lucky number: 666"

Needless to say, I hadn't slept in a week. I knew that was probably apparent to the crowd standing in front of me now, waiting to see what I had to say about Josh. None of them even knew me besides his mom and dad. Why was I here?

I gave them my best. I told them all about what I knew of Josh, and how he had helped me so many times along the course of my time in the city.

It was a good story, I guess. Telling them about how he helped out a struggling college kid with meals every week.

When I was done with the speech, a couple of people pat my back lightly as I stood there staring down at the casket in the ground.

Everything inside of me hurt. Every muscle ached and for the first time since the initial aftermath of the fall, I felt alone.

Even though Josh and I never really hung out much, and didn't talk often, we had just the best unspoken friendship. It was so unconditional, too. He was always there for me, never expecting anything in return.

I couldn't think about it any more.

It's your fault he's dead.

Why? Why me?

I shook my head, clenching my jaw. I refused to let these people see that I was weak. I never let anyone see who I was.

I was the quiet kid with occasional anger problems. I preferred to keep it that way.

After nodding a few goodbyes, I got in my car and drove towards home.

It took everything in me not to break down in the car.

It's my fault.

---

That night, a bottle of vodka was my only friend. I stared up at the starless sky as I sat on top of the roof of my apartment building. It was cold, but the alcohol burned in my throat and made me feel like I was on fire.

Tears kept drying on my cheeks, their trails feeling sticky against my skin, only to be replaced by fresh ones.

I didn't understand. Why did Josh get killed? Was it really because of me? I didn't want to ask any questions further than those, but I knew I would soon have to.

It's because of you, Justin.

"Why?!" I let out a loud scream, staring up at the sky. "Answer me!"

Nothing. I got nothing.

He's dead because of you.

My jaw tightened and I grabbed the near empty bottle, slamming it down against the ground. Glass shattered, a gash running across my palm. Blood poured out of it.

I stared at the blood for a moment before resting my forehead against my knees. I closed my eyes tightly, my entire body shaking as I sobbed.

I was alone.

You're alone, Justin. Everyone hates you. It's all your fault.

"It's not my fault.." I whispered, feeling helpless. Any power I had as a fallen angel couldn't even help me now.

Nobody could help me now. I sat there, crying until I had no more tears to give.

"It's all my fault..."

-----

I cried writing this. Poor Justin lost his only friend.

If you listen to Unsteady by X-Ambassadors while reading this, you'll cry too.