you were never just my friend

One

Lukas and Emil had been together a long time. Not like that. They were just constantly at each other's sides. Lukas thought of his life in two halves; a time before he knew Emil, and the time after. The time before was dull, like he was looking at everything through a frosted window. The details were blurred out, the colours muted. And then when he met Emil, it was like he finally stepped outside and took his first, proper breath of fresh air. The world was suddenly a lot brighter than he ever imagined it could be.

Since then, they had done everything together. They studied together for their final year of high school. They went off to university together, and while they studied different things there, every minute that they weren't in their respective lectures or workshops or labs was spent together. They had a ritual, of studying in the library together on Wednesday afternoons, at their quiet table in the back corner, hidden away from the rest of the world by the towering bookshelves. Lukas loved it there; there was a window on each wall that meet to make the corner they were sat in, and the sunshine provided much better light than the overhead bulbs. Sometimes, he could get away with just watching Emil for a few minutes. He had committed to memory years ago the way his brows would furrow a little when he was concentrated, and how he chewed his lower lip when he was getting frustrated. He'd tangle his hands in his hair when he was bored, and twist the silvery strands around his elegant fingers. He would always look back down at whatever work he had in front of himself, though, if Emil ever looked up at him.

Lukas didn't know how many years he'd been in love with Emil. Time barely seemed to matter when he was with the Icelandic boy. Just as long as there was plenty of time in the future with him, Lukas was happy. It hurt, of course, that he had to bury his feelings under what felt like tonnes of emotionless acting. But he was selfish, too selfish to ever admit his feeling and possibly lose the one thing that made him smile in this world. Emil was the sun and moon to him, and what was a planet without those? But more than he was selfish, he was afraid. He didn't want the world to slip back into the dullness it had been before they had met. So he kept his love to himself, and let himself admire Emil in the silence.

In a rush, university passed, and soon they were both graduating. Lukas had never cheered so hard for anyone in his life when Emil's name was called. Lukas thought he looked beautiful, in his robes and graduation cap. He could hear Emil cheering for him in return when it was his turn to go and receive his certificate, but the smile that he got from Emil was better than anything else that day.

They found a house to live in together; nothing too expensive, rent they could split each week and pay without much of a worry. Lukas never dreamed of life being this good. Until Emil met someone. His name was Leon, not that Lukas really cared. His world slowly started to fade back to the muted tones he hated as Emil started spending less time with him and more time with his new friend, his new best friend, his boyfriend. Lukas knew he was being selfish, more so than he had been in university. A million what ifs floated through his head every day. What if he had confessed his feelings? What if Emil decided he didn't want to know Lukas anymore? What if Emil decided to move out from their cosy little home and live with Leon, in his modern high rise apartment? Lukas knew Emil preferred that kind of style, the sleek, modern lines to what their mid-fifties house provided. What if this place just wasn't home enough to Emil anymore? Lukas found himself withdrawing back more into his own shell. He headed out to pubs more, though he didn't really drink. The noise the establishments provided helped drown out his own intrusive thoughts, and he'd always enjoyed people watching. He liked noticing the little things about him, trying to learn what he couldn't through conversation.

After a few weeks of frequenting the bar down the road, a man settled down into the chair beside him. Lukas wasn't all that surprised; he'd noticed him watching him, sometimes, nursing his regular beer, often alone, sometimes with a couple; two men who seemed to be the loud blond's only friends.