Someday I Will Talk to a Stranger
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon, Author, No Peaceful Warriors!
I will never forget those days in elementary school when the teacher would go row by row, asking each student to read a paragraph from the text book. As soon as the teacher called on the first student and I discerned what her likely row pattern would be, I would count the number of students in front of me, and then count the number of paragraphs to see which one I would be delegated to read. As I did so, I would pray that it would be a short paragraph and be void of any words that started with an “f” or a “p”. Those were the worst. Once I found my paragraph, I would read each word over and over again in my mind, picturing myself reading them fluently and clearly. As my turn drew nearer, my heart would beat faster. By the time it was my turn to read, I was a nervous wreck.
This is the typical saga in the daily life of a child afflicted with a stuttering problem. I have read many stories of children fainting as their turn to read drew near in this same circumstance. The worst classroom dramas were originated from teachers who would simply arbitrarily call on students to read the next paragraph. I would spend the entire time sinking as low as I could in my desk, hoping that the teacher wouldn’t notice me.
The fear of stuttering in front of your peers is daunting and unnerving. Every time you open your mouth, you expose yourself and make yourself susceptible to mockery, embarrassment and ridicule. On a website where young people can anonymously post their thoughts and experiences with their stuttering, one young man wrote:
“I don't want to go to school because I stutter and I can't say my name, I don't want to have to say it in front of teachers! Everyone will laugh at me like they did in Math and English. In Math the teacher asked for my name and everybody laughed. In English, I had to perform a skit in-front of the class and everybody laughed!! I don't want to go back to school!”
My father pushed me to become involved in a number of things despite my impediment, one of them being Boy Scouts. I loved the scouts and as typical of my Capricorn qualities, I immediately set my goal of becoming an Eagle Scout one day. The first step of the long journey was to make Tenderfoot, for which you needed two skill awards and a merit badge. I studied and obtained my two skill awards within a couple of months, but I never got that merit badge. I never did because in order to get the merit badge, you had to call Mr. Fuller on the phone, and his name started with an “F.” I never did call Mr. Fuller, and I never got that merit badge, and 14 months later, I dropped out of scouts.
The telephone is terrifying for a stutterer. During a physical conversation, the other person can at least see you and empathize with your struggle to converse. They can read your body language and see you as a real person. On the phone however, you only have your voice to represent you, which is your weakest asset. How I wish I had access to texting or email when I was growing up. It would have been so much easier.
I remember in high school when I would decide to make the effort to ask a girl out for a date. I would begin the drama of making that call at about seven o’clock in the evening. Much of the first hour was spent staring at the phone, pacing back and forth in my room and rehearsing what I would say. I would practice my prearranged lines for every circumstance that would occur, should Carrie herself answer the phone or her mom, dad, or a sibling. This was in the days before cell phones so you never knew who would answer the phone. By 8:15 I would pick the phone up for the first time, only to put it back in its cradle. Sometimes I would press the first few digits of her phone number, and then terminate the process. This charade would continue until I would finally make the call at 9:45 only to have Carrie tell me that she couldn’t go out.
