She's With Me

One

The last few days of school. Everyone is either lounging around, not listening to Mrs. Carmichael or dosing off trying their best to drown out her lecture on teenage fun and the consequence of pregnancy. I, on the other hand, couldn't have been more invisible. Mom's hat is fixed over my head and my hair is fanned on either side of my face to obscure the slightest hint of my existence. The seat beside me is empty and so is the one in front of me. 

"Absolute tranquility," I mutter to myself. The outside world behind the glass panel window is frozen in place. There are no cars passing by on the main road and the wind seemed to have stopped whisking completely. No birds, no squirrels, no wandering students on the field. A frozen time.  I close my eyes, because I know it isn't real. It was an illusion I had put up. The outside world was doing just fine. It was continuing, I; however, wasn't. I stopped living completely almost six months ago. 

My journal is opened in front of me. Scribbles embedded on every inch of the two leaves, whereas the centers held the words of two very wise boys. The infamous Reese Miller and Jake West of somewhere in the UK. They weren't a band. Just two blokes who so happen to have made it big from the X-Factor UK, thanks to Simon Cowell, and were now touring across the world to capture the hearts of millions of teenage, hormonal girls. I wasn't them, if I am being entirely honest here. I just enjoyed their music, because quoted from my older brother Matthew: "Life is an instrument, and I guess sometimes, people should fucking tune it." Wise, isn't he? Well, despite how confused I was on the saying, I concluded that music somehow held purpose and the music I chose to be involved in my life was by the two British singers. Because, the cliché songs they write about love can actually give me the peace I want in order to forget about my bent-all-the-way-backwards life. 

The lyrics, in my journal, are random choices. A few from Reese's new album and a single line quoted from Jake's latest song Shatter.

'Never glue the broken pieces back' It wrote. I start murmuring the song inaudibly. 

"Miss Leviticus?" I hear a sharp, womanly voice echo across the room. Uncertain, I continue to whisper the lyrics until a large hand clamps on my shoulder. I look up to see a stern, Mrs. Carmichael. 

"You wish to join us anytime soon, Croatia?" Her eyebrow is arched and I dare say, she almost reminds me of my old aunt Betty in New Zealand, but for a twenty-nine year old teacher, it most certainly is  not be a compliment. 

I gulp. Everyone's eyes, specifically the ones who are awake, are staring at the girl in the back corner with the large, black, wide-brimmed hat. My mouth hangs open and no words come out and I can hear Joseph snicker from the front. "Probably still at loss from our little performance last night." My eyes narrow, not at the captain of the soccer team, but at Mrs. Carmichael. I don't say anything after two seconds, but sink my teeth into my lip and focus on the lyrics in my journal.

She doesn't leave, of course, but grabs my book from underneath my fingertips. "What is this?" I want to protest, but I've already gained too much attention for my liking. 

"A Reese Miller and Jake West fan, I assume." The whole class laughs and suddenly I wish the hat was even 'brimmier' in order to consume myself completely. Mrs. Carmichael continues, and I have to hold my untamed tongue. This was the usual Mrs. Carmichael. She was always up and about in other people's businesses. 

She skims through the papers, and I am suddenly relieved that I am not an actual boy-crazy girl. No hearts. No classy ship-names. And no photoshopped picture, whatsoever. Just lyrics and lyrics and lyrics. The very words that keep me breathing. 

She's at the front, sitting partially on her desk with her nose in my journal when photo slips from the crevices of the context. She squats down and picks it up, but in doing so, the photo is exposed to everyone in the room.